Kissing Death

Nighttime - almost midnight

Sophia is dead. All along, she was only a hundred feet away from us, in Hershel’s barn. He was collecting walkers. He said he believes that they’re sick people and not the flesh-craving monsters that they truly are. His wife and stepson were in there and Hershel had been hoping he could cure them someday.

When Glenn told us about the walkers in the barn this morning, Shane went completely mad over it. He impatiently allowed Rick to try and settle things with Hershel.

By the time Rick and Hershel had been returning with walkers to put in the barn, Shane had already rallied up most of our group and handed out the guns.

We were all gathered around the barn when Shane forced the doors open. The walkers all filed out and the guns started firing. I witnessed Hershel’s transition into misery and tried to get Jason to stop shooting, but he ignored me.

Then, finally... The last walker exited the barn. It was Sophia. Everyone just stopped and stared. We didn’t know what to do.

Daryl held down Carol as she cried for her daughter and Rick raised his gun as Sophia approached him.

I covered my ears and closed my eyes, but the gunshot still rang through my head.

When I opened my eyes and saw Sophia on the ground, I suddenly thought of my students. Those kids that changed my life as a first-year teacher and made me so happy. I wondered where they could be and realized that they were all probably dead or starving. Those children didn’t deserve this horrific lifestyle. But God’s wrath still reached them, even though they did nothing wrong. It was the adults--people like me and Rick--that disgusted the watchful eye of God. And the children were suffering and dying for it.

In that moment, I turned to look at Carl as he mourned the loss of his only friend. I wanted to hold him as he cried, but Lori had already beat me to it--as a mother should.

Out of the pile of walker bodies, we set Sophia, Annette, and Shawn aside. I helped dig up the three graves while the rest of the bodies were taken away.

I was left alone for a minute while I was deep in the grave I was working on. I stared at the dirt beneath my feet and then glanced up at the sky. I laid on my back, feeling the cold Earth against my skin.

I gazed into the sky, hoping that I would see God staring down at me, telling me that I could make it through each day. But I saw nothing but blue. There was no way I would see him.

Maybe he’s not even there anymore, I thought.

The service was very brief and didn’t last very long. Carol wasn't present. The group separated in silence. I noticed that Jason was following me around and I finally confronted him when we were behind our tent.

“What is it?” I asked.

He looked around as though he didn’t know what I was talking about--something he did quite often.

I objected and demanded to know why he was following me.

Jason sighed and crossed his arms. “I just want to know where you were last night.” His voice was strict and that meant he would turn into a monster if he sensed that I was lying.

“I was writing in my journal... Don’t you remember?”

“Yeah, but I went to go get you for dinner, and you were gone... And so was Rick.”

I grunted in frustration to cover up my fear. “I was off relieving myself, for fuck’s sake. What are you trying to say?”

“Were you with him?”

“No,” I said. “Why would I be with Rick while taking a leak? That’s unheard of.”

Jason scoffed. “So, you both happened to be off taking a piss at the same time and returned a couple minutes apart?”

I shot a harsh glare at him. “Have you ever heard of coincidence, Jason? It happens.”

He grabbed me by the arm with an excruciating grip and I yelped. “You keep lying to me,” he said through his teeth. “I’m sick of your lies.” He slapped me hard with the back of his hand.

Two hands came to Jason’s shoulders and spun him around. A fist flashed across Jason’s face and he fell to the ground. T-Dog stood before me, pointing a finger down at Jason.

T-Dog threatened to break every bone in Jason’s body and have him sent away for being an abusive asshole.

Jason got up, laughing hysterically, and wiped the blood from his lips. He pointed at me. “Are you fucking this whore, too?”

That question sent a painful chill up my spine and tears forced their way out of my eyes and down my face. Before T-Dog could respond, I approached Jason with an agonizing slap to his other cheek.

“What’s going on over here?” an intervening voice said.

The three of us turned and Shane was standing before us. T-Dog did the explaining and Shane stared at Jason for a moment.

“Jason,” Shane said. He pointed to the dirt road. “Go take a walk and come back when you’re calm.”

Jason hesitated, but then stormed off.

He then tapped T-Dog on the shoulder. “Thanks for taking care of this. Go see if they need any help in the house, okay?”

T-Dog gave me a reassuring nod and left Shane and I alone.

Shane observed the tears on my face and pulled me into a hug. Then, for some reason, I started sobbing. “It’s okay,” he said, rubbing my back.

Eventually, he spoke again. “You think I don’t know what’s going on between you and Rick?”

My crying came to a pause and I stepped out of his arms. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t try and fool me, Emily,” he said. “Do you and Rick really think you two haven’t been seen together?”

I was caught in silence and Shane smirked, laughing at my moment of weakness.

“Last night, your husband came to me with a concern,” he went on. “He said you weren’t where you were supposed to be and I happened to know that Rick wasn’t present either. I told him to keep quiet about it. So, I went to look for you two. And you want to know what I saw? I saw you two fucking like animals in the woods.”

I was still silent and this time, I was shaking from both fear and anger.

Shane shortened the distance between us, standing only an inch from me. “What was it like, Emily? How did it feel to fuck a married man with a pregnant wife? Did it actually make you feel special for once in your life? Well, hear this...” He brought his voice to a whisper. “Rick doesn’t love you. You are nothing to him. You’re just that little rag doll that he fucks when he feels like it.”

“He didn’t bring me out there to fuck me,” I fought back. “He was upset about the fact that Lori’s pregnant with your baby. He knows, Shane. And I’ve seen you with Lori.”

That certainly shut him up. He began to walk away and then turned around to threaten me. “If you tell anyone about me and Lori, I’ll tell her about you and Rick... There won’t be any secrets around here.”

As he walked away, I wanted to scream. In fact, I still do. I can’t even bring myself to finish this entry with further details about today. The last thing I can say is that Rick isn't here right now, but I'm sure it's a good thing.

I’ve been looking over my shoulder constantly, worried that Jason will strike me again. But he stayed away from me for the rest of the day, and is sleeping in the RV tonight. Even though he was confronted today, I can’t keep living in fear that I’ll be abused again--or even killed--by my own husband.

I’m packing my bags and leaving. Now.