Redefine Me, Redesign Me

“We never hang out anymore,” Lisa complained over lunch the next day, “I mean we didn’t even get to celebrate your birthday.”

Ellie suppressed the urge to groan. “I don’t really celebrate it,” She replied shrugging, “and we don’t really hang out anymore because a certain someone decided to take over my house.”

“Speaking of Alex, how is that going?” Lisa asked leaning in suddenly excited for the change of topic.

Ellie chuckled at Lisa’s reaction. She wasn’t even sure how things were with Alex. After she cried her eyes out multiple times Alex had stayed the night. She had woken up this morning with her limbs tangled up in Alex’s… Alex took advantage of the situation just to make Ellie blush, and oh was he successful. If Ellie hadn’t woken up with a bad bout of morning breath she might have actually let him kiss her.

“Answer the question, Ellie,” Lisa demanded narrowing her eyes at the younger.

Ellie shrugged her shoulders trying to stall. “It’s…” she began, “I…” she couldn’t form a sentence.

“So you like him,” Lisa filled in for Ellie knowingly.

Ellie shook her head but not even her face looked convincing.

Lisa laughed and nodded her head. “I knew it!” she exclaimed, “I knew you guys would make a good match.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, she hadn’t quite convinced herself that yet. “I don’t know, Lisa,” she replied, “We hang out a lot and we get along alright but I don’t really know anything else.”

“El-lie,” Lisa whined separating her name into two syllables, “You get along great, you both like the same things, you feel comfortable enough to talk to him, you think he’s cute,” Ellie tried to interrupt and explain that she had never said that she thought he was cute… out loud, but Lisa wasn’t having it. “I know you think he’s cute so don’t deny it, and the most important point: he makes you happy.”

Lisa sent Ellie this understanding smile. Like she knew that this was hard for Ellie to admit.

Ellie sat back for a moment taking in the last thing Lisa had said. He made her happy. Alex made her happy? She thought back to the way she felt when she moved to Baltimore… she definitely had a mood improvement with much thanks given to the distance between Ellie and her mom. But she hadn’t been all together happy then either. Sure the new place made her feel better than home, but she was lonely. She only had Lisa and work in the beginning and that had been enough. She was happy enough.

“You know that you’re happier now than you were right?” Lisa asked after a while sensing that Ellie was struggling with this. “When I met you, you were a fish out of water. You were easily flustered and you buried yourself at work insisting on staying late even if you didn’t have to. Do you realize that now you get antsy towards the end of the day and as soon as your shift is over you are flying out the door to get home. Don’t tell me it’s because you’re just ready to go home, because you and I both know that Alex plays a big role in that.”

Realization hit Ellie hard. It was all true. She went to work happy, but left even happier knowing that she was going home to Alex. She knew she gave him a hard time but that deep down that she really liked having him around.

Ellie put her head in her hands and groaned, “Why is everything always so complicated?”

Lisa patted her back, “It’s only complicated if you let it be,” she tried.

“You sound like Alex,” Ellie mumbled.

Lisa just shrugged her shoulder and changed the topic to something about her own life. Ellie couldn’t have been more relieved to have the attention taken off of her. Lisa always seemed to know when enough was enough maybe that was why they got along so well.

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Ellie couldn’t help but notice how giddy she felt as she clocked out of work. Damn Lisa for pointing out how happy she had been lately. Now she wasn’t even going to be able to enjoy it. But even knowing that she was just happy that she was going home to see Alex she couldn’t hold back the bright smile that took over her lips when she opened her front door and could already smell whatever it was that Alex was making for dinner.

Payton and Sebastian unfolded themselves from their dog bed and made their way to Ellie greeting her happily. She bent down after taking off her shoes and putting her things down to greet them in return.

“How was your day?” Ellie called to Alex straightening back up and making her way into the kitchen.

“I went out and got more groceries,” he stated sounding awkward.

Ellie’s eyebrows pulled together at his tone.

“Is everything okay?” she asked eyeing his back after she hoisted herself onto the island countertop.

He shrugged his shoulder and turned around to face her. “I think so,” he said sounding uncertain, “But there is something I need to talk to you about.”

Ellie could feel her chest tighten. She didn’t know if what he had to talk to her about was bad but she couldn’t get herself to calm down. She was just starting to accept the fact that he made her happy and was working through exactly what about him made her so happy and now he wanted to talk? What if he had decided that she was too much?

“What is it?” she asked trying to keep her tone even and not sound too worried.

“It isn’t a big deal,” he assured her moving so that he was standing in front of her, “I just don’t know how to go about telling you and I’m not sure if I should make a big deal out of it or just throw it out there…”

Ellie’s chest was beginning to cause her physical pain. She knew that if she lifted her hand from the cool countertop that they would be shaking.

“Why don’t you just tell me and we’ll decide from there?” she suggested hoping he would agree and just spit it out. She was going to have a heart attack if he didn’t tell her soon.

He sighed and moved her legs so that he was standing between them. He was close, very very close. Ellie couldn’t tell if her heart was beating fast because she was anxious or if it was because Alex was so close to her. She could feel his breath on her face.

“I’m leaving for tour at the end of next week,” he informed her searching her eyes trying to read her reaction.

Ellie had stopped breathing. She knew this shouldn’t be a surprising thing. She knew that she shouldn’t be reacting the way that she was, but she couldn’t help it. While she knew that Alex was in a band and would inevitably be touring she’d never stopped to think about how their strange relationship would work while he was gone.

“I wanted to tell you about it,” Alex continued when Ellie didn’t say anything, “I just didn’t know if I should tell you casually or have some sort of sit down talk with you about it. I didn’t realize just how complicated we are.”

He had put his hand on her cheek more to comfort himself than her, but she did feel better.

Ellie didn’t know what to say. ”Sorry I complicated things by wanting to keep you as just a friend but let you get away with acting as if it were more”? She couldn’t even blame how complicated they were on him, she let him get away with it because she wanted it too.

“So what does that mean?” she asked trying to avoid her real question: what does this mean for us? Was there even an “us”?

Alex didn’t answer or move. Ellie’s heart fell. When he left that would be it. He would be on the road. Girls that would actually let him be with them would be everywhere. He didn’t need her when he had them. She felt stupid. Stupid for thinking that she might actually mean something to someone.

“Right,” Ellie said moving her face away from his hand and trying to figure out how she could get around Alex to get down. She couldn’t be near him. The rejection stung too much.
“We’re too complicated,” she continued trying not to look at Alex, “You’re a big rock star and you’re going on tour and we’re complicated. Who needs complicated when you’re on the road, right?” she asked him. She knew she sounded harsh, but the harshness wasn’t aimed at Alex, it was aimed at herself. She was angry that she had been so stupid. Angry that she had let him in. “I mean, who would want complicated when they can have whoever they want?” she asked bitterly.

“Elle?” he tried to get her attention but she was too busy trying to push him away, trying to get away. She shoved at him but he didn’t budge. Instead he caught both of her wrists in his hands. “Elle, what are you talking about?” he asked trying to get her attention again.

Ellie’s head was turned away and looking at the countertop. She didn’t answer him, she felt that she had made herself quite clear. Alex rearranged their limbs so he held both of her wrists in one hand against his chest. He used his free hand to turn her face back to him.

“Elle,” he said his voice soft making eye contact with her by ducking down a little.

“You don’t have to stay,” she whispered trying to just make him leave. The sooner he was gone the sooner she would get used to life without him.

“Ellie,” her name came out as a sad sigh colored with disbelief. Realization had set in. He couldn’t believe that she thought he was just going to leave her. He let go of her wrists and took her face in both hands and standing straight, brining Ellie’s face up with him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised.

“But you will be in a couple of weeks,” she pointed out frowning, “and then what?”

“What are you even talking about?” he asked laughing without humor.

“We are complicated,” she stressed, “You’ll be on tour. How are we going to work?”

It sounded as if they were in a relationship, but she knew they weren’t. She couldn’t let them be.

This time Alex’s laugh was genuine, “What do you mean how?” he smiled down at her, “There are phones and video chats, you silly thing.”

“That isn’t going to stop us from being complicated,” she pointed out, “and who knows it might even complicate things even more.”

“I think we’ve mastered our level of complicated we can take the next level, no problem,” he insisted.

“Good,” Ellie sighed wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in his neck.

Alex smiled caught off guard but wrapping his arms around her waist returning the hug.

“because I need you,” Ellie whispered softly.

“Same,” he whispered back kissing her hair.

Ellie couldn’t for the life of her think of why Alex would ever need her, but she decided not to question it. If he needed her too then he wouldn’t leave and that was good enough for Ellie.

Alex couldn’t help but relish in the fact that Ellie needed him. He knew it was wrong. But he also liked that she had been so upset over the idea of losing him. She might be saying that she doesn’t want a relationship but she certainly did want him. And who knows maybe she will eventually want to be in a relationship and Alex would be right there waiting, because he couldn’t give up on her. He’d made a promise after all, right?