Redefine Me, Redesign Me

Ellie missed Baltimore the further she drove from it. She did her best to keep her mind on seeing Mallory and her dad maybe stopping by Brady’s bar to catch a show… there was usually come local band playing there. But, of course, her mind wasn’t going to keep to the less worrying topics floating around her head.

Her mind kept straying to Alex and how much she was willing to admit he meant to her. She knew she didn’t want to push him away anymore but she still wasn’t sure how close she was really willing to let him get. She trusted him, but there were things that she still hadn’t told him. Things that she wasn’t sure would change his mind about her. She didn’t know if she was capable of putting herself on the line just yet. The more she thought about telling him the things she’d been keeping from him the more anxious she felt.

And despite how unfair it was she worried that Alex would react the same way that Hunter did. She was terrified that he would laugh and tell her that she was being ridiculous, she was scared that he would take advantage of her and that wasn’t fair at all. Alex is nothing like Hunter and that is something she was entirely sure of. And the more her mind attempted to compare the two of them the more she wanted to think about something else.

The more she pushed Alex from her mind, the more she thought about the panic attack. She knew that her dad was going to be able to tell something was wrong… well Mallory would probably notice something was off but she wouldn’t bring it up if Ellie didn’t mention it first. Her dad, however, would bring it up as soon as the two of them were alone. She knew that her dad worried about her and it killed her to know that she couldn’t bring back entirely good news from Baltimore. She really had thought that she had left this mess behind her in Sycamore.

She took the rout less traveled to get to her parent’s house, she just wasn’t ready to go through town just yet. The alternate route, however did take her by her Gram’s old house which is still not something she likes to see. She kept her eyes focused completely on the road ahead of her until she knew for sure the dilapidated former estate was out of sight.

She let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she was holding as she pulled into her parent’s driveway. Maybe if she was lucky no one would be home. Maybe she was so lucky that her mom would attempt to avoid her for once. Ellie flipped down her mirror just to be safe, checking her appearance. She frowned at her windblown hair she should have known better than to leave her windows down. She fussed over it only for a second before deciding that she didn’t care and got out of the car.

Ellie extended her fist about to knock before she decided that she didn’t care if it bothered her mom she would walk in if she damn well pleased.

“Arielle?” Kathleen called from somewhere down the hall, “Is that you?”

“She’s sort of the only person we’re expecting so I hope it’s her,” Ellie heard Mallory mumble before her head peeked out into the hallway.

“Ellie!” Mallory shouted before bounding down the hall and wrapping her older sister in a rib crushing hug.

Ellie laughed to the best of her limited ability as she wrapped her arms around Mallory returning the hug. She had certainly missed her.

“Well you certainly took your time getting here,” Kathleen commented as she made her way down the hall to them, Ellie’s dad close behind.

“It’s a long drive,” Daniel said defending his daughter. He didn’t want Kathleen running her off before she had barely made it through the front door; he knew how the two of them could be with each other.

“Well if she didn’t sleep in I’m sure she would have made it here for a normal dinner time,” Kathleen replied hell bent on making sure Ellie realized just how unwelcome she was in Kathleen’s mind.

Kathleen didn’t even wait for Ellie’s reply before she was calling for everyone follow her into the dining room for dinner before it got cold.

“Well if she wasn’t such an unbearable hag I might have been more motivated to get here sooner,” Ellie mumbled as Daniel pulled her into a hug chuckling lowly at her.

“Be nice to your mother, she’s still sore over your move,” he told her knowing that it would only serve as motivation for her to bite her tongue.

If it was what her dad wanted then Ellie would do her best to make sure she upheld it.

“Yeah okay,” Ellie sighed pulling away from him and following Mallory to the dining room.

Daniel’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Ellie hadn’t even made a noise in protest at his request. Something, though he didn’t know what, was wrong.

“Why don’t you tell us about Baltimore?” Daniel suggested looking to Ellie as they began eating. He would try to gather as much information as he could to put together what was going on with her.

Ellie frowned, she didn’t want to have this conversation with her mom in the room. She’d much rather meet her dad for lunch the following day and discuss it then. She didn’t know what he was up to but she knew that Kathleen would soon soil it with a distasteful comment from the malicious look in her eyes.

“Yes, Arielle,” Kathleen interjected, “Tell us about your fairytale life you lead in Baltimore, and maybe you could throw in some bits about your knight in shining armor.”

Daniel cleared his throat without going on to say anything, but the message was clear, he was done with Kathleen’s snide comments.

“I don’t really know where to start,” Ellie shrugged knowing that she would know where to start if her mom’s judging glare wasn’t settled on her.

“How is work?” he asked still tickled that she went through the motions of having a job when she could certainly live comfortably off the money he had been sending her.

Ellie couldn’t hold back her answering smile, “It’s really great, I don’t really work in the planning aspect of it all anymore I mostly handle advertising and marketing, it’s a much better fit for me. I’m actually heading my own project right now.”

Daniel smiled widely back at her, he hadn’t seen Ellie this happy in a long time. If he thought back on it she wasn’t even this happy when she started college. He knew of a time when he’d seen Ellie like this, but it broke his heart to know that it had taken her this long to recover enough to let herself be happy.

“Tell us about your boyfriend,” Kathleen urged, “I’ve overheard Mallory say how perfect the two of you are for each other.”

“I’ve already told you mom,” Ellie began keeping her cool, “he isn’t my boyfriend and I’m not sure that he is any of your business.”

“Calm down, Arielle,” Kathleen laughed innocently, “I was just making sure, we wouldn’t want to have any awkwardness at the Thanksgiving dinner.”

Ellie knew that Kathleen was up to something but she didn’t care enough to get to the bottom of it. Daniel didn’t say anything about the exchange he knew what battles to fight when it came to the two of them.

“He’s hot,” Mallory announced off handedly before taking a bite of her broccoli.

“Mallory!” Ellie hissed under her breath.

Mallory shrugged her shoulders, “It’s true,” she said defending herself.

Daniel laughed releasing all tension in the room and quickly and changed the topic of conversation over to Kathleen and the holiday plans she had made. Ellie envied how easily her dad could handle uncomfortable situations, she guessed that he had a lot of experience with that kind of thing, politics and all.

---------------------------------------------

Ellie knew that if she stayed she would get into a fight with her mom. And if she didn’t fight with her mom then her dad would figure out that something was bothering her. He would ask all the right questions, or the wrong questions depending on how you looked at it, and she would be telling him all about the damn panic attack she’d experienced. Seeing as she wasn’t ready to talk about her panic attack she decided to pull Mallory upstairs with her.

“I cannot believe it has been months since I’ve seen you!” Mallory gushed as they fell back on Ellie’s old bed.

Ellie was surprised that her mom had kept her room the way she left it, she expected it to be wiped clean of all evidence pointing to her existence.

Ellie chuckled before responding, “You can always come out to Baltimore, no one is shunning you there,” Ellie told her.

“No one is shunning you here,” Mallory replied knowing exactly what her sister had meant by her statement.

Ellie rolled her eyes, “Not today, anyway.”

“So tell me, how have things been with Alex?” she asked, “I’ve been so busy with school lately that I hardly get to call you for more than five minutes at a time anymore.”

Ellie sighed and rolled on to her stomach, “They are as complicated as ever,” she groaned into the comforter as Mallory laughed at how dramatic Ellie could be.

“Why can’t you just ask him on a date already, it isn’t like he would say no,” Mallory reasoned, “he is far from a stranger, so what’s holding you back?”

Ellie didn’t want to be on this subject right now. She didn’t want to talk about this to Mallory, or anyone for that matter, but if there was one person that she knew she couldn’t beat around the bush with it was Mallory.

“He doesn’t know, Mallory,” Ellie sighed finally telling someone out loud, someone who knew what she was talking about.

“Are you serious?” Mallory demanded sitting up, “That’s what is holding you up?” She was outraged really. She couldn’t believe that Ellie would let something from the past keep her from being happy.

Ellie just looked at her blankly, because she believed it to be a very viable reason to postpone dating someone.

“What does that accident have to do with Alex? Why should that mean anything to him?” Mallory asked. She wasn’t angry with Ellie she was angry that Ellie was keeping herself down this way. She looked to her big sister’s face and saw the hurt in her eyes. “I know it’s important to you,” Mallory continued in a softer voice, “but honestly, why let it hold you back any more than it already has?”

Ellie glared at her younger sister for a moment before deciding it wasn’t worth it. She didn’t want to have an argument about this right now.

“Do you have class tomorrow?” Ellie asked changing the subject quickly.

Mallory shrugged her shoulders, “No, why?” she knew she had pushed the matter too far and was ready to move on as well.

“Then let’s go,” Ellie insisted pushing herself off the bed and grabbing her leather jacket from her bag.

“Where are we going?” Mallory asked confusion written all over her face, “It’s nearly eleven.”

Ellie laughed at her little sister, “To Brady’s bar, of course!” she answered pulling on Mallory’s wrist.

“Baltimore really has changed you,” Mallory mumbled a smile on her lips as she let her sister drag her past their parents.

“Where are you two going so late?” Kathleen called after them.

“To make bad decisions!” Ellie yelled back slamming the door behind Mallory grinning like a fool.

If she kept putting herself down with worry then she was going to revert right back to the person she had been before she went to Baltimore, so Ellie made a split decision to avoid her problems for a while. Sure it wasn’t the best decision, but she wanted to feel free again… just for a little while.