Redefine Me, Redesign Me

“Didn’t get enough of the place last night?” Brady asked as Ellie leaned against his office’s doorframe. He leaned back in his chair behind his desk eyeing her curiously. He really had expected her to be the same when she came back to Sycamore but here she was in a bar not being forced or looking to drown her sorrows. “There isn’t even an acoustic show until 5, it’s noon.”

Ellie shrugged, “Would you believe me if I said I am pretty fond of the place?” she asked kicking the doorframe.

Really Ellie was just trying to get out of the house so she didn’t have to be with her mom. She could have been having lunch with her dad, but she didn’t really want to chance him figuring her out so soon. Mallory was still sleeping when she left… last night must have really worn her out.

Brady shook his head his eyebrows pulled together doubtfully.

“I doubt that you have decided suddenly that the atmosphere in a bar feels like home,” Brady told her crossing his arms, “Besides you just left here at one o’clock this morning.”

Ellie sighed dropping into the chair across from him, “Can we not do the thing where you squint at me for a while and then tell me that you know something is wrong even though I will deny it and then you insist that you could help and I insist you can’t?” Ellie asked, “Just this once?”

Brady chewed on his lower lip, thinking over her words. She seemed desperate to avoid whatever this problem was.

“I just need time,” Ellie insisted, “please?”

Brady looked to her face to find her wide eyes begging for him to let this one go. Ellie wasn’t one to beg so whatever the problem was she definitely didn’t want to talk about it, or at least not to him. She was looking for a hideout… it was always what she looked for in him. He was like her protective big brother, it was his job to make sure she had a safe haven.

“Are you willing to make yourself useful?” he asked standing from his seat.

She nodded her head vigorously as she stood from her chair as well ready to follow any order he gave.

“Good!” Brady announced clapping his hands together before heading towards the door, “because this place is in serious need of a good mopping.”

Ellie groaned jokingly causing Brady to playfully elbow her ribs.

“You asked for it missy,” he teased leading her to the supply closet for the mop.

She rolled her eyes taking the mop and bucket, she wasn’t going to complain.

-------------------------------

Ellie sighed settling onto a stool at the bar after mopping the floors. The bar didn’t seem that big two hours ago.

“Fancy seeing you here,” she heard a familiar baritone voice muse as someone took the stool beside her.

“You’re always here,” Ellie replied rolling her eyes and glancing over at Collin, “So I already knew I’d be seeing you eventually.”

Collin grinned, “You only show up for a show,” he recalled, “So am I supposed to take this as you coming to see me?”

Ellie chuckled and nodded, “I figured it would be you when Brady said there was an acoustic show today.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he confirmed still grinning like an idiot.

Ellie let a small smile work its way on her lips but didn’t say anything. Maybe she should ask Collin if the accident changed how he thought about her. Or maybe she should just ask if the panic attacks ever made him want to keep his distance. Collin was a good guy, he was a lot like Alex in some ways.

“What’s on your mind?” Collin asked turning to sit sideways on his stool. His knees bumped Ellie’s hip gaining her attention.

She chewed on her bottom lip not sure if she wanted to talk about her problems or not. Just as she had decided it was best to keep it to herself Collin spoke up again.

“Missing the Baltimore boy toy?” Collin teased playfully. He knew that Ellie wasn’t one to keep a ‘boy toy’, he was an exception… sort of.

Ellie scoffed and rolled her eyes at his jokes. She had seen the local papers, word had gotten out about Alex and it was the hot topic of the gossip columns.

“Boy toy,” she mocked chuckling and shaking her head.

“He treats you well?” he asked resting his elbow on the bar and leaning his chin on his fist. He looked away from her trying to make the question seem more offhanded than it was. He was concerned for her and she knew.

Ellie chewed her bottom lip attempting to bite back a smile. Alex was too good to her. He was patient. He was kind. He was sort of perfect as much as Ellie hated to admit it.

“Good,” Collin said after glancing at her, the look on her face enough of an answer for him, “I’d hate to have to go all the way to Baltimore just to kill a man.”

Ellie laughed at him, “You wouldn’t hurt a fly,” she retorted rolling her eyes.

Collin slid off the bar stool and reached one hand up to the side of her face.

“You’d be surprised, Brady would help and as a team I’m sure we could get the job done,” he promised, “We wouldn’t dream of letting you get hurt again.”

He pulled her head closer and kissed her forehead, “I’ve gotta go warm up, if you leave before the show starts I’ll hunt you down.”

“Then I suppose I better stay put,” Ellie joked as he walked away smiling over his shoulder at her.

The exchange probably looked more intimate than either of them meant for it to. She just hoped no one from the paper was in the slowly filling bar, she really didn’t want her and Collin to be the topic of discussion again.

Ellie ordered some ridiculously cheesy fries to tide her over until she got home. If she was going to stay for Collin’s set then she would be missing dinner and Brady’s bar had better food than most.

By the time Collin stepped out on stage with another guitarist from his band, Taylor, the bar was packed, it was an all-ages night at Brady’s a special treat for the underage locals. They had developed a pretty large fan base with the younger crowd.

Ellie stayed at the bar, not feeling up to the crowded pit. Both the guys goofed off on stage making the girls giggle. Ellie remembered being one of those girls laughing at anything the band on stage said, even if it wasn’t funny. She chuckled as a few of the girls that walked passed her wearing Collin fangirl shirts, it was a sight she never thought she’d see.

“Do you guys want to hear a really old one?” Collin asked the crowd.

A chorus of girls shouting filled the bar making Collin smile in response.

“I wrote this one while I was in high school,” he told everyone as he and Taylor adjusted their guitars and took sips from their waters.

“Isn’t it about a girl?” Taylor asked knowing the answer but enjoying the crowd’s reaction to the question.

Collin chuckled into the microphone, “Yeah, she’s here tonight,” he answered grinning eyes finding Ellie at the bar, “This one’s about one of my best friends, Ellie Emanuel.”

With that he and Taylor both began to strum a tune that was all too familiar to Ellie. She laughed and rolled her eyes as they played the song that Collin had written while he was teaching her how to play guitar. It was a really silly song that made absolutely no sense to anyone but them.

After they had finished their set a bar tender came over to Ellie and told her she was wanted backstage. Ellie checked the time groaning inwardly seeing that it was seven already. She was going to get an ear full from her mom. Mallory had sent her a text letting her know she wouldn’t be home for dinner which made Ellie glad she had decided to stay.

“Did you like the song?” Collin teased as soon as she entered the dressing room.

Ellie rolled her eyes, “You did that just to embarrass me,” she pouted.

Collin shook his head but before he could argue with her Taylor cut in.

“Yes, yes he did,” Taylor confirmed before taking a big gulp of water, “and the gossip column is going to blow up with it tomorrow.”

Both Ellie and Collin both turned to Taylor with confused expressions.

Taylor rolled his eyes at how oblivious both of them were, “That lady from the paper was here and the photographer took like a million pictures of you guys talking before the show.”

“Col-lin,” Ellie groaned drawing out his name dramatically.

Collin’s eyes went wide, “It’s not like I knew they were here!” he defended himself, “I was just messing with you.”

She sighed nodding, “Yeah I know,” she said sinking into the extremely old couch that sat against the wall.

She knew she wouldn’t be able to leave for a while. The photographer for the gossip column was a guy she had gone to high school with. He used to follow her around all the time then and just never grew out of it. She knew that he was probably still waiting outside now.

---------------------------------------------

The next morning Ellie woke up, what felt like way too early, but in actuality it was the middle of the day. She mentally cursed herself for going out the night before. It was stupid, and she ended up not getting back until three because she had to wait for the stupid newspaper photographer to go home.

And by the time she got home Mallory was waiting in her room to ask a million questions. Apparently word had gotten out that she was with Collin and Mallory was afraid that Ellie was doing “something stupid”, as she had put it.

It took Ellie another half hour of convincing Mallory that she and Collin were just friends before she could finally lay down. Even after her head hit her pillow she made the mistake of looking at her phone to see that she had missed Alex’s call.

She was still beating herself up for that last one as she climbed out of bed. With any luck Kathleen had plans for the day and she wouldn’t be home to scold Ellie for staying out so late again. It made Ellie’s blood boil just thinking about it.

“Good morning!” Daniel called from the kitchen table where he was reading the morning newspaper.

Ellie grimaced at the paper knowing that she was mentioned somewhere within the inked pages.

“How is Collin?” Daniel teased chuckling when Ellie shot him a glare.

“Shouldn’t you be at work?” Ellie fired back sarcastically as she poured herself a bowl of cereal.

“I’ve decided the town can function without me for the next couple of days,” he told her shrugging his shoulders, “My daughter is in town and she seems to be avoiding me, so it seemed like a good idea.”

Ellie sighed sitting next to him at the table, she should have seen this one coming really.

“So,” he began as he sat the paper aside, “Tell me about Alex, I’ve heard a lot about him from Mallory.”

Ellie rolled her eyes, Mallory couldn’t keep a secret to save her life.

“He’s really great, dad,” she said, “but he’s just a friend and I don’t really know if it can go anywhere from there.”

“She’s lying!” Mallory chimed looking exceedingly chipper as she waltzed into the kitchen clearly having been on a run only moments ago.

Daniel raised a questioning eyebrow at his youngest daughter, “and what information are you bringing?” he asked.

Ellie really hated when the two of them got together on her. They both knew various details about her and when they came together they simply knew too much. Ellie was going to have to start confiding in Brady and Collin again if these two kept this up.

“Well I know that Ellie is freaking out about telling him about the accident,” Mallory replied taking a seat at the table as well, “She seems to think it will scare him off.”

Ellie’s head lolled back against the chair, “I should have just stayed in bed,” she mumbled.

Daniel sent her a soft smile, “Why don’t we talk about it, and while we’re at it we can discuss whatever has got you avoiding me,” he joked.

Ellie closed her eyes taking a deep breath, “I had a panic attack while Alex was driving us back to my house, it was awful but it wasn’t as bad as the ones I’ve had in the past,” she admitted. “That’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Dammit,” Daniel sighed leaning back in his chair. He thought she was passed this. She had been doing so well. “I’m sorry, Ellie,” he mumbled because he didn’t know what to say or do.

Ellie shrugged her shoulders, she didn’t want an apology, and she knew there was nothing that he could do about it.

“I’m not upset that it happened,” she confessed, “I’m upset that I ruined Alex’s night, possibly his weekend. It’ll happen again, I don’t want to push him away so I have to tell him, I have to explain.”

Daniel nodded glad she was taking the panic attacks well, and he wished she would have told Alex about the accident so he would have known what to do.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone that means that much to you,” Daniel told her a thoughtful smile on his lips. He knew that Ellie had never wanted to tell anyone about the accident. She definitely hadn’t wanted to tell Hunter about it, and he knew that the after math of that was probably what had her worried. He had started to wonder if she ever would find someone.

Ellie smiled but it soon faltered, “I just don’t want him to decide he can’t handle it,” she mused seriously.

Mallory stiffened next to her and Ellie knew she had something to say.

“Go ahead,” Ellie said turning to look at her younger sister. She could tell that something she’d said had made her angry.

“Alex is a really great fucking guy, and I know that you’ve had problems in the past over this issue with guys but, Ellie, Alex isn’t Hunter,” Mallory stated in an urgent tone.

Ellie couldn’t speak. Mallory had never been this direct with her before, she didn’t know how to take it.

“He cares about you so much, and don’t tell me I don’t know,” Mallory continued, “because I’m the one who got a phone call at two thirty after your panic attack asking if there was anything I knew to do to make you feel better. He was worried sick about you, Ellie.

“He begged me to tell him what happened to bring them on. He wanted so badly to fix this for you and you have the nerve to say that he would leave or treat you differently if you told him?” She was fuming and Ellie just sat there wide eyed blinking. “He doesn’t deserve that, Ellie, and you know it.”

Ellie turned away from her sister and glanced over to her dad.

“I don’t think there is much more that I can say that covers it any better than that,” Daniel said throwing up his hands.

Ellie nodded and covered her face with her hands rubbing it roughly.

“Are you mad at me?” Mallory asked in a small voice like she was afraid for the answer.

Ellie let out a bark of a laugh shaking her head and letting her hands fall.

“No, Mallory,” she laughed, “I think I needed that, I’m going to go get dressed.”

She was far from mad at Mallory. Though, she was mad at herself. She was so angry that she had let herself convince her that Alex was anything less than what he is. She was angry that she had judged him so harshly. Furious that she had let herself compare him to Hunter.