Redefine Me, Redesign Me

Ellie had been strumming her guitar working out the chords to various songs that she used to know really well, while on the other side of the couch Alex had been staring her down for nearly half an hour now. She was faking being blissfully unaware and she knew that would only last for so long before Alex broke the silence, but she was beginning to think she would break first.

“Is there something you need?” Ellie asked without looking up from her fingers handling the strings of her guitar.

“We have to talk about it eventually,” Alex pointed out using the tone of his voice to guilt Ellie into looking at him.

It wasn’t going to work though, no matter how wounded he made himself sound. Ellie was incredibly stubborn when she wanted to be, and right now she was in a fragile state of denial so she definitely wanted to be stubborn.

“Eventually is a beautifully undefinable word,” Ellie sighed smiling.

“Elle, stop it,” Alex whined, “We had a good time, you said yourself that you wanted to go out again, so why aren’t we talking about making this a real official thing?”

Ellie frowned and grumbled unintelligible things at the guitar in her lap. She didn’t want to talk about it because she was scared to make things official. She knew it was stupid. She didn’t need anyone to tell her that Alex was good for her, because she knew that too. She was simply scared.

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” Alex begged, “If you don’t want this anymore that’s fine,” he tried to sound believable but it wasn’t working out for him. She could hear how unhappy it would make him for them to go back to being just friends.

“No that isn’t it,” she promised finally turning to look at him. She was honestly a little upset that he would think that, but she couldn’t blame him she was an emotionally distant person.

“I’m here,” Alex said, “I’m not going anywhere, you can talk to me.”

He moved closer scooting down the couch and taking her guitar from her hands and laying it on the floor. His hand reached out taking hers and lacing their fingers together, his thumb moving to massage circles into her skin.

“It’s stupid and I just need time, okay?” she tried, but after looking to his face she knew it wasn’t going to work.

“I don’t care if it’s stupid,” Alex promised sending her a small smile.

She let her head fall back and she stared at the ceiling breathing deeply and trying to convince herself to just talk to Alex. Telling herself that it wasn’t that hard to just open up to him. She just needed to get the words out.

She lowered her head and her eyes landed on their hands. She watched his thumb and counted each circle he made there.

She had counted 11 slowly massaged circles before she convinced her voice to work.

“I’m scared,” she mumbled.

And just like that, after those two words, her mouth couldn’t stop.

“I’m not scared of you, I’m scared that a label might ruin us. I’m scared that if we really do this, really commit to this it will screw up our whole dynamic. I’m scared that you’ll get tired of me the way everyone else has. I’m scared to lose you and that’s it.”

Alex chuckled, it wasn’t cruel it was a fond sound. Ellie chanced a glance up at him and found him smiling and shaking his head.

“I thought you were having second guesses and here you are telling me you’re scared you’ll lose me,” Alex said, his voice full of disbelief.

Ellie gave him a small bashful smile shrugging her shoulders because it was true.
Alex shook his head smiling.

“So you don’t want to put a label on it,” Alex didn’t make it sound like a question.

Ellie sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, her teeth worrying the skin.

“I don’t care what we call this,” he told her looking down at their hands before meeting her eyes, “I just don’t want it to be exclusive.”

Ellie snorted and hid her face in his shoulder as she continued to laugh.

“I’ve gotta say I thought you’d take me seriously,” Alex said in a thoughtful tone.

“Who do I even talk to other than you?” She asked as her laughter died down into giggles.

Alex shrugged jostling her head slightly. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something when his phone rang. He let out an exasperated sigh and showed Ellie the screen of his phone that told her it was his mom.

Ellie sat up taking her head from his shoulder and detangled their fingers as Alex kissed her cheek before answering his phone and getting up.

Ellie reached for her guitar but was stopped midway as her phone began to ring. She rolled her eyes slightly amused until she read that Kathleen was calling.

“Hello?” she answered knowing that it was better to just get the conversation over with than wait for her mom to call again.

Alex was starting to sound annoyed somewhere behind her.

“Oh you actually answered,” Kathleen sounded surprised, but not pleasantly so.

“You called, the phone rang, I picked up,” Ellie sassed, “What do you need?”

“I wanted to apologize for inviting Hunter to Thanksgiving,” Kathleen announced sounding very rehearsed and not exactly sorry.

“You did?” Ellie was surprised nonetheless.

Kathleen let out a breathy sigh before continuing, “Yes,” she admitted, “It was unfair of me to not consider your feelings on his attendance and it was wrong of me to force that on you.”

Ellie hated how clinical the whole thing sounded but her mother hadn’t exactly apologized for much of anything before, or at least not to her.

“Well,” Ellie was at a loss for words, “Thanks,” she finished lamely, “It means a lot.”

Alex let out a groan from what Ellie guessed was the kitchen as Kathleen stammered into the receiver.

“Why don’t we talk about Christmas,” Kathleen tried changing the subject, “you’re still planning to attend?”

Ellie rolled her eyes at how distant her mom could be, it was probably where she had learned her own bad habits.

“Mo-om,” Alex whined loudly still in the kitchen.

Ellie tried to tune him out and focus her attention on her mom.

“Yeah,” she answered, “I’ll be there.”

Alex huffed as he fell onto the couch next to her and buried his face in her neck. Ellie giggled silently and pushed him away to send him a questioning look.

“Mom and Dad are going on a cruise for Christmas,” he replied rolling his eyes.

Ellie frowned because that would mean Alex would be alone for Christmas.

“Does he have anyone to spend Christmas with?” Kathleen’s voice chimed in from the phone. The strange unsure tone was gone and her normal candy sweet and innocent demeanor taking back its place.

Ellie scrunched up her nose at her mom, she really didn’t want her to meet Alex, but she also didn’t want Alex to be alone.

“Ask him,” Kathleen urged brightly.

Evil, pure evil, this woman was made of.

“Mom would like to know if you have anyone to spend Christmas with,” Ellie asked to appease Kathleen.

Alex gave her an unsure look and Ellie smiled back apologetically and nodded egging him to answer honestly.

“No,” he replied sounding unsure.

“Oh goody!” Kathleen squealed.

Ellie made another face at the phone, she really hated to hear her mom so excited about this. It gave her a nervous twist in her stomach.

“You should invite him to join us,” Kathleen gushed.

“Yeah I’ll talk to him,” Ellie said wishing there was a way to bring him to Sycamore without him ever meeting her.

“Oh good,” she said sounding pleased, “I’ll tell your father.”

“Bye mom,” Ellie grumbled before hanging up.

“If you don’t want me to meet your family I can figure something out,” Alex said sounding a little put off.

Ellie shook her head and reached out to squeeze his knee, “No I swear that’s not it.”

Alex didn’t seem all that convince as his lips twisted into a halfhearted crooked smile.

“I just wish there was a sure fire way to keep you from my mom, or to keep her from you, really,” she rambled.

“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” Alex said his face almost sad and puppy-like.

Ellie rolled her eyes and bumped his shoulder with hers, “You’re coming with me to Sycamore for Christmas and I will slay the dragon lady if need be,” she assured him.

Alex laughed like she was joking, but Ellie knew this Christmas was going to be Hell no matter how much she wished it could be nice.

“Then I guess I’ll be meeting my girlfriend’s family this Christmas,” Alex sighed smiling widely.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Ellie held up her hands in mock offense, “When did we tack on a label? Not twenty minutes ago we agreed to no labels.”

Alex’s face was innocent as he shook his head, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he insisted.

“I never said you were my boyfriend,” Ellie countered.

Alex shrugged in mock apology, “Well you can’t take it back now.”

Ellie scoffed as Alex wrapped his arms around her and used his body weight to push her back into the couch cushions.

“I am not your girlfriend,” Ellie announced without conviction as Alex chuckled.

He ducked down rubbing his slightly scruffy chin against her neck tickling her and making her giggle.

“It’s already been said,” he replied holding her tighter as she wiggled beneath him, “There’s no changing it now.”

Ellie squealed until Alex gave up tickling and placed kiss at the base of her throat grinning as she caught her breath.

“You know,” Ellie began, “boyfriends are supposed to be nice.”

Alex lifted himself up so he could meet her eyes, “Oh really?” he asked.

She nodded smiling up at him.

“What exactly does this ‘being nice’ entail?” he questioned in a teasing tone.

“I think there might be something about ice cream in there,” Ellie offered.

Alex frowned, “You don’t have any ice cream,” he pointed out.

Ellie nodded and raised her eyebrows, “I know a place that does.”

Ellie wiggled her way out from under him leaving him on the couch as she went for her shoes.

“Oh,” Alex exclaimed, “I see now you’re going to make ridiculous demands for ice cream. Is that what girlfriends do?”

Ellie chuckled and shrugged slipping her feet into her shoes, “I don’t make the rules Romeo.”

Alex laughed putting on his own shoes and grabbing his car keys.

“I am going to make you regret ever meeting me,” Ellie promised as Alex opened the front door.

He caught her wrist pulling her closer to press a kiss to her lips.

“I sincerely doubt that,” he murmured without fully pulling away from her.

“I hope you don’t mind being proven wrong,” she teased pecking his lips and dancing out of his grip.
Alex watched her dart to his car smiling fondly.

Ellie wished things could stay like this. Stay fun and sweet. She wouldn’t mind dealing with the occasional fight, that wasn’t her big worry. She was certainly going to milk this time for all that it was worth, because in a few short days she was going to be taking Alex to Sycamore.

She was going to be taking Alex to meet her mom.

There really was no telling what Kathleen would say or do, but she knew it would put a strain on her relationship with Alex.

Strain on a relationship that was still so shiny and new.

She knew that Alex was good. She knew that Alex wouldn’t just leave.

But what she didn’t know was how she would react and that was what worried her.

She knew that she would defend Alex vehemently and she worried what the costs might be.