Caraphernelia

I felt numb. And it seems all the spirit of happiness had left my bones. I know exactly who the cause of it. Me. I had asked for it. But I could not help falling in love with the same man that I had always been in love with. Jaime Preciado. All those years without him in my life, was the hardest, and when Perez enter my life, it seems to lighten my wanting for him. But Perez too had gone from my life, forever.

Sometime I wonder why all the people that I love most left me. First Perez, followed by my ex-husband, even though he was nothing compare to people that I loved most like Jaime and Perez, my deceased husband still willing to love me and provide me the best marriage life possible, even though he knows from the start that my love had always been for Jaime.

With Jaime, I’ve chose to left him because of my illness that I am currently suffering. Maybe I should shared it with him, if he love me that much as he had claimed to be, but I don’t know. It was a delicate matter with him. Even a tiny bits of rejection from him, I will be destroyed. I rather lost him on my term than seeing the pain look in his eyes.

I would not blame him from now and out, he will hate me forever. I am so sure he will be so angry that I choose not to confide him of my illness but I willing to share it with someone stranger like Oliver instead. I really hope that Jaime will understand that I am saving him from pain and regret for being with a lost hope like me. As much as I love him, I could not bring myself to see any dejection from him.

Years ago, before I took my wedding vow and a week to go before I will become Mrs Ramos, I had make a trip back to San Diego, to the same hometown where I had first left Jaime. Not that I had cold feet of my marriage with Santos, but I want to see, or maybe to say my final farewell, to my first love. Unfortunately, Jaime family had move to another town and I could not do anything else but return home. Everyone asked me of my whereabouts. I keep my silence and so does Santos, but I knew he knows of where I am.

Later I had told Karel about my trip back home. “What if you had meet him? What will you do, Marcela?” she asked me incredulously. I told her of my intention but she laughed at me cynically. Because she knows exactly of what I will do, even though I tried to deny the truth of it. Bluntly she points out that I will be acting like a fool to beg him to have me in his life when I had be the one to suddenly vanish into thin air, with no news. “You are acting like a self-centred bitch, cousin. Can’t you just leave the past in the past and never meddle with it ever again? Tsk!!”

Even when I had decided to return to San Diego again, after the death of my Perez and, without her knowing, of my decision to end my remaining life here, Karel had been thoroughly objected my decision. She can’t see of how it will help me to move on with my life when I had been seen moving backward in the past rather than forward, as in continuing my successful career life as a Chef for my 2 existing restaurants back in Camas and Madrid.

Well, she does not know of my illness and it has always been in her perspective that anything got to do with San Diego has already been stamped as “in the past” for me and her, so in her opinion, we should not be bothered with San Diego in our life no more. It is laughable even to me, for her to think of this city like that. I simply could not understand her way of thinking, so mundane.

“Marcela...?”

I heard Oliver voice interrupting my trails of thought. I felt guilty for using him to somehow breaking my ties with Jaime. I should not be treating him that way when he had seemed sincerely with his offer of friendship to me. I turn to him. His eyes still train on the road ahead. Ever since he helps me back to my home after a heavy spell from my treatment a month ago, he had been relentlessly been a caring friend. His concern and the attention of my health, at first had me rather flustered but I have become used to him and his endless concern.

Never once did I truly explain my illness to him. He never seems to ask me for more details than it is. I own him much. I own him an explanation that he deserves to understand more because that’s just fair to both of us. With him, I know I won’t feel much dejected and pain from what I might felt with Jaime. He is easier compare to Jaime. But then again I should not take him for granted. I can’t be that self-centred, just like Karel had conveniently labelled me with.

But before I could begin my tale, he beat me to it. “The tablets that you always consume before every meal, isn’t that related to cancerous illness?” he asked blatantly with no hesitation. I guess he had been determine to ask me this question and tonight, he just finally gather enough confident to bring it up to me.

I smiled. “I never did tell you of my cancer, did I?”

Oliver shook his head but his eyes remains on the road. “Do you want me to stop at the nearest café and chat over cups of coffee?” He suggests as he nodded towards the Starbuck at the row of shop houses. He slower the speed of the car and change the light indicator signal to change the lane on the left side of the road.

“Ok I’m craving for a cuppa too as it is.” I smiled at him. He has been such a dear friend recently, the least I could do is let him aware of my illness. I don’t know the exact reason why I could easily confess to him of my sort of secret but not with Jaime. Did I not trust Jaime with my secret? Maybe my love for him is not enough for me to let him in my inner life. Why could I not be fair with him?

Oliver pulls a stop to the car, right in front of Starbuck. I did not wait for him to open my door. I’m not anyone’s princess and refused to be treated as an invalid, despite my illness. I lead the way to the café and choose an outdoor seating area than indoor.

Well, it is convenient for Oliver who wants to take a puff or two. Like our previous lunch together, Oliver had make our order while I’ll waited for him outside, enjoying the night scene.

Oliver had ordered my favourite Caramel Macchiato and for him, a cup of hot Espresso. “Do you want any desert to go along with it?” I shook my head and slowly took a sip of my drink while Oliver lights his cigarette.

Silence

It is not the usual awkward silence but a peaceful one where both of us just seem to enjoy the night scene, with me sipping my favourite beverage and him, puffing away his cigarette. And the casual glance when our eyes did meet is nothing more than a friendly gesture between us.

Oliver cleared his throat. “I’m sorry that I overheard your argument with Jaime. I didn’t mean to…”

I shook my head but I averted my eyes away from him, watching the old couple strolling by the pathway across the other side of the road. I wonder will I able to stay that long to be an elder citizen, walking side-by-side with my older partner? It will be lovely and sweetest things ever to enjoy a simple night walking with your partner; after all, the night seems to be lovely and serene.

“I don’t think I ever be that much longer to be an older person. Well, I am going to die young instead of old age. You know, if I could choose of what age that I want to draw my last breathe, let me die at the age of 85 years old and due to old age but not due to health.” I said dreamily, while watching the old couple.

“Why? What’s so special of 85 years-old?” Oliver asked curiously. He turns to the direction of my interest - the old couple. I turn my attention to him now, sitting across of me with a smile on his sunken face. I could not help it but appreciate the great look of one Oliver Sykes. I wonder how does it feel to kiss those lip of his and touching his handsome feature, while getting lure to his melodious voice as he sing to me.

“That’s the same age when my grandma had died. There was nothing that special about her but she was a vibrant old woman who never understands when to stop doing that salsa.” I chuckled. I saw a ghosting of smile on his handsome face. “And when she did stop dancing Salsa, that’s the end of her life too and I guess she did have a beautiful life when she was younger. I guess.”

“She did fight until the end am I right to assume that?”

I simply nodded and that’s the simple truth. Grandma, she was a strong woman and fight she had until the end. But I am nothing compare to her strength, even though, just like me, she did not have a strong family support of her illness and again just like me, both of us chose not to, she was a fighter. I’m weak and a weaker person always dies first.

“And what’s stopping you for not fighting until the end of the battle?” Oliver asked cynically.

“Because Grandma had only reached the final stages of her cancer at the ripe age of 85 whilst I at the young age of 26 years-old. That’s a big difference between us. My chances of survive is rather thin that I could hope so.” I could not help it but feel the anger to the unfairness of my fate. That’s the reason I had long thrown the idea of the existence of God.

There is no such thing as God. The mere existence of a deity that calls himself a God is pure nonsense. Well, where is he when I cried…begged and even prayed to him to not taken the only soul that I could possibly hold on to? Did I ever anger him to face such unfairness ordeal?

“Did Jaime know of your illness?” Oliver asked out of sudden. When I turn to look him in the face, cold hard eyes return my rather timid eyes. I averted my eyes, without saying another word I shook my head no to his question. “Why not? Isn’t him someone important to you in your life? If it is me, I would want to at least share the load with him.”

“Well, I am not you. He will only be worried sick of my health that will only pain for him and me to bear, I would just rather not telling him so of my illness. So what’s the point of telling him?” I could feel my tears threaten to roll down my cheek. As hard I tried to control it, but I just stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks.

Quickly I grabbed the serviette on the table and wipe the tears, bowing my head. Then I felt Oliver fingers on my chin as he pulls it up to face him. A look of concern washes over his handsome face. He pulls my body to him and I buried my face at the crook of his neck, smelling his Lacoste cologne on his skin. By then my cries had turn into a mere hiccups. I feel calm when somehow my body moulded into his.

After sometime had pass between us, with Oliver allowing me to cries out my sadness and even telling me to just ignore the passer-by, a sense of relief overcome me. With his arm still linger on my waist, he kisses my forehead and I don’t seem to mind the touch of his lip. Wiping away my tears from my eyes and cheeks, I could just watch him with the movement of my eyeballs. His touch is so gentle and kind that I could not help it but feels so grateful of his presence.

“Could I ask a favour from you?” I asked timidly. He scowled at me. “I know I have no right to let you be the middle person between Jaime and me, but I really wish that if you could please keep it to yourself about my illness. There is only my papa and now you know of my illness. No one else...”

He nodded. “I will do anything for you.”