Lidocaine Lips
Prologue.
“Happy twelfth birthday, Honey!”
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and feel the way I did that day.
I envy my twelve-year old self for being able to still feel that feeling of complete and utter happiness.
I clearly remember I hadn’t slept properly for days, I’d been counting the days and hours and minutes even, all up to this very important day.
22nd of July, the sun was shining and the day I turned twelve would be the best day of my life.
I had spent an eternity whining to my parents about this, they still tell me to this day how fanatic I was, ever since the early age of five years old; it had been all I ever talked about. And since we moved to a small village just outside Delaware, it was finally going to happen; I was finally allowed to take riding lessons.
I envy my twelve-year old self for being such an active little girl, being able to feel on top of the world whenever I climbed a horses' back, not having a care in the world.
I envy my twelve-year old self for having ambitions, dreams, motivation, I guess I really did have the wind in my shoulders.
I remember I used to baby sit all of the time to save up money for more lessons.
At the stables, there was this older man named Jeffrey Budé, he was one of the people that regularly dropped by to watch us ride the horses and he would help us out sometimes.
He told me that back home, he had these two Andalusian mares; a little girls absolute dream, graceful white horses with big diamond eyes and fairytale manes, silver like the moon, I was mesmerised the first time Jeff showed me a picture of them.
I was over the moon when he offered to let me ride them sometime.
Looking back on it now, I wish I wouldn’t have whined so much, I wish I hadn’t literally fallen down to my knees and begged my parents to allow me to go with Jeffrey. I wish I hadn’t yelled at my parents and told them I hated them when they wouldn’t let me at first.
Oh, the humiliation, looking back at it.
I literally begged them to let me go with him.
I was heartbroken when they refused to let me go and eventually, they gave in. I wish I could stop blaming them for what happened.
My dad would come with me the first couple of times, I remember feeling embarrassed as hell about it, but Jeffrey seemed to understand, he even mentioned how he thought my dad was being a really good parent, because you just can’t trust anyone these days.
Bijoux and Rose, oh I fell in love with Rose straight away.
Once a week soon turned into two, three, four, five times a week and after three weeks; my dad would just drop me off and pick me up; Jeffrey was such a nice guy.
Jeffrey and me, training his horses, making them walk better and better, I even entered in competitions with Rose and won a couple of times.
He was like a second father to me and his house was like my second home, his wife was like my second mother and the horses were like my own.
Jeff, so proud of me when I won this big local competition with Rose. Jeff hugging me from behind when we were alone in the stable for a second, whispering in my ear how glad he was to have me in his life.
Jeffrey casually brushing his hand over my thighs and ass when he would help me get up my horse when really, he didn’t need to help me at all.
Jeffrey sitting really close next to me when we would make a picnic stop on our rides out together.
One day, Jeffrey inviting me into his house to help him out with his computer, his wife was out doing groceries shoppinh, I had never been inside his house before, I remember watching the happy pictures of Jeff and his wife the entire time as he roughly shoved me on the couch.
Jeffrey threatening to have Rose put down if I as much as spoke a single word about what happened, telling me how much he loved me, kissing me, ruining me, staining me, scarring me, traumatising me, making me wish he would kill me.
Jeffrey doing this to me over and over again, until I didn’t even get to see Rose anymore, he’d grab every single opportunity, I even remember the times when his wife would be in the house and we would be in the stables, barely fifty feet away.
Every time I hoped it would be the last time, I hoped he would promise me to stop, apologise and just let me have my life back again, but I kept asking my dad to drop me off four times a week, even when he kept on going, I was so scared he was going to hurt Rose.
I didn’t know at the time Jeffrey was going to be on my skin for eleven more months; then in my mind like a haunting ghost for the rest of my life.
June 23rd, I remember sitting on my bed, trying really hard to cry, clawing at my own skin to provoke the tears that would just never show up, when I heard a knock on my door.
Mom and dad, telling me they are “so very sorry, but dad got reassigned and we have to move once more”, a thousand apologies flowing from their lips, explaining to me that I was going to have to say goodbye to Jeffrey and Bijoux and Rose, promising they would let me come visit in summertime, promising they would do anything in their power to make sure I didn’t have to give up on riding entirely, glancing over at each other as I stared at back at them numbly as I sat on my bed in a room, angry looking band members on posters clad to the walls, my parents must have been wondering what the hell happened to their little girl.
When they left, I tried to strangle myself with a pillow. I tried for so long and so hard, I guess at some point I must have just passed out because the next morning I woke up, still lying on top of the sheets.
June 30th, moving the last boxes into the truck parked outside the house, I hadn’t slept at all that week, dreading the moment I’d have to say goodbye to Jeffrey like everyone was expecting me to.
I was terrified of going over to his house one last time, so I told my parents I didn’t want to see the horses because it would be too hard on me, but there was no stopping Jeffrey, he even came over to our old house that particular day; supposedly to wave us goodbye.
Nobody suspected anything at all, everybody just smiled as Jeffrey offered to help me shift the last few things from my room. This was the last time he touched me inappropriately, although in my eyes; any touch of him was inappropriate, everything about him had become just that.
I would cringe as he would dip a little spoon into his coffee cup, stirring it while smirking at me.
By the time we were about to leave, I’m pretty sure I would have puked if I had eaten anything at all that day, I felt so sick to my stomach and actually thought I was going to pass out as Jeffrey touched me one last time; a warm and friendly hug and three kisses on my cheeks, making everybody smile. My father was standing right next to him and the feeling of wanting to die was so overwhelming; I started to cry.
I thought I actually was going to die when Jeffrey was the one comforting me, supposedly whispering sweet things in my ears. He told me he would find me and he would kill me if I ever told anyone about the things we had done. He raised his voice so everyone could hear him as he thanked me for almost a year of my full dedication, for making his horses so much better, for “helping him out” like I did. He winked and patted my hair.
I had never felt more humiliated, defeated and disgusted in my entire life.
He took away my childhood, my passion for horses, my trust in other people, my dignity, my smile and my will to live.
As we drove off to our new home in Newark, New Jersey, the only thing I could think about was how bad I wanted to die.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and feel the way I did that day.
I envy my twelve-year old self for being able to still feel that feeling of complete and utter happiness.
I clearly remember I hadn’t slept properly for days, I’d been counting the days and hours and minutes even, all up to this very important day.
22nd of July, the sun was shining and the day I turned twelve would be the best day of my life.
I had spent an eternity whining to my parents about this, they still tell me to this day how fanatic I was, ever since the early age of five years old; it had been all I ever talked about. And since we moved to a small village just outside Delaware, it was finally going to happen; I was finally allowed to take riding lessons.
I envy my twelve-year old self for being such an active little girl, being able to feel on top of the world whenever I climbed a horses' back, not having a care in the world.
I envy my twelve-year old self for having ambitions, dreams, motivation, I guess I really did have the wind in my shoulders.
I remember I used to baby sit all of the time to save up money for more lessons.
At the stables, there was this older man named Jeffrey Budé, he was one of the people that regularly dropped by to watch us ride the horses and he would help us out sometimes.
He told me that back home, he had these two Andalusian mares; a little girls absolute dream, graceful white horses with big diamond eyes and fairytale manes, silver like the moon, I was mesmerised the first time Jeff showed me a picture of them.
I was over the moon when he offered to let me ride them sometime.
Looking back on it now, I wish I wouldn’t have whined so much, I wish I hadn’t literally fallen down to my knees and begged my parents to allow me to go with Jeffrey. I wish I hadn’t yelled at my parents and told them I hated them when they wouldn’t let me at first.
Oh, the humiliation, looking back at it.
I literally begged them to let me go with him.
I was heartbroken when they refused to let me go and eventually, they gave in. I wish I could stop blaming them for what happened.
My dad would come with me the first couple of times, I remember feeling embarrassed as hell about it, but Jeffrey seemed to understand, he even mentioned how he thought my dad was being a really good parent, because you just can’t trust anyone these days.
Bijoux and Rose, oh I fell in love with Rose straight away.
Once a week soon turned into two, three, four, five times a week and after three weeks; my dad would just drop me off and pick me up; Jeffrey was such a nice guy.
Jeffrey and me, training his horses, making them walk better and better, I even entered in competitions with Rose and won a couple of times.
He was like a second father to me and his house was like my second home, his wife was like my second mother and the horses were like my own.
Jeff, so proud of me when I won this big local competition with Rose. Jeff hugging me from behind when we were alone in the stable for a second, whispering in my ear how glad he was to have me in his life.
Jeffrey casually brushing his hand over my thighs and ass when he would help me get up my horse when really, he didn’t need to help me at all.
Jeffrey sitting really close next to me when we would make a picnic stop on our rides out together.
One day, Jeffrey inviting me into his house to help him out with his computer, his wife was out doing groceries shoppinh, I had never been inside his house before, I remember watching the happy pictures of Jeff and his wife the entire time as he roughly shoved me on the couch.
Jeffrey threatening to have Rose put down if I as much as spoke a single word about what happened, telling me how much he loved me, kissing me, ruining me, staining me, scarring me, traumatising me, making me wish he would kill me.
Jeffrey doing this to me over and over again, until I didn’t even get to see Rose anymore, he’d grab every single opportunity, I even remember the times when his wife would be in the house and we would be in the stables, barely fifty feet away.
Every time I hoped it would be the last time, I hoped he would promise me to stop, apologise and just let me have my life back again, but I kept asking my dad to drop me off four times a week, even when he kept on going, I was so scared he was going to hurt Rose.
I didn’t know at the time Jeffrey was going to be on my skin for eleven more months; then in my mind like a haunting ghost for the rest of my life.
June 23rd, I remember sitting on my bed, trying really hard to cry, clawing at my own skin to provoke the tears that would just never show up, when I heard a knock on my door.
Mom and dad, telling me they are “so very sorry, but dad got reassigned and we have to move once more”, a thousand apologies flowing from their lips, explaining to me that I was going to have to say goodbye to Jeffrey and Bijoux and Rose, promising they would let me come visit in summertime, promising they would do anything in their power to make sure I didn’t have to give up on riding entirely, glancing over at each other as I stared at back at them numbly as I sat on my bed in a room, angry looking band members on posters clad to the walls, my parents must have been wondering what the hell happened to their little girl.
When they left, I tried to strangle myself with a pillow. I tried for so long and so hard, I guess at some point I must have just passed out because the next morning I woke up, still lying on top of the sheets.
June 30th, moving the last boxes into the truck parked outside the house, I hadn’t slept at all that week, dreading the moment I’d have to say goodbye to Jeffrey like everyone was expecting me to.
I was terrified of going over to his house one last time, so I told my parents I didn’t want to see the horses because it would be too hard on me, but there was no stopping Jeffrey, he even came over to our old house that particular day; supposedly to wave us goodbye.
Nobody suspected anything at all, everybody just smiled as Jeffrey offered to help me shift the last few things from my room. This was the last time he touched me inappropriately, although in my eyes; any touch of him was inappropriate, everything about him had become just that.
I would cringe as he would dip a little spoon into his coffee cup, stirring it while smirking at me.
By the time we were about to leave, I’m pretty sure I would have puked if I had eaten anything at all that day, I felt so sick to my stomach and actually thought I was going to pass out as Jeffrey touched me one last time; a warm and friendly hug and three kisses on my cheeks, making everybody smile. My father was standing right next to him and the feeling of wanting to die was so overwhelming; I started to cry.
I thought I actually was going to die when Jeffrey was the one comforting me, supposedly whispering sweet things in my ears. He told me he would find me and he would kill me if I ever told anyone about the things we had done. He raised his voice so everyone could hear him as he thanked me for almost a year of my full dedication, for making his horses so much better, for “helping him out” like I did. He winked and patted my hair.
I had never felt more humiliated, defeated and disgusted in my entire life.
He took away my childhood, my passion for horses, my trust in other people, my dignity, my smile and my will to live.
As we drove off to our new home in Newark, New Jersey, the only thing I could think about was how bad I wanted to die.