The Dream and the Dreamer

Two weeks passed from the night Jake held Amir with careful fragility, from when he figuratively kissed the wounds he knew he could never heal and slept next to a man who was the vain of his existence, a bacterium he despised, the fruit of his struggles. God, he hated Amir, he thought of this to himself, a scowl settling into his features comfortably. The older man was acting quiet unlike his age, going off into some delirious synopsis only painting himself as an awful person as he mimicked his movements wildly. Things were back to normal, finally. Ordinary antics and the usual level of loudness existed once more, and the two had even argued a few times, much to the annoyance of those around them. So, yes, things were certainly normal and while it was a nuisance, everyone was washed with relief--save for Rosie who was stabbed by Amir with a paper clip. Normal.
But normal was not the agonizing fluttering in Jakes chest, nor was the unabridged closeness he shared with the shirt Amir had worn. It still sits on Jakes side if the bed, often finding itself tangled in his arms as he slept. He meekly confirmed to himself that he was just lazy. There was, however, a gap between the two, their odd closeness was tenser now. Amir’s affection that once border-lined obsession was now simply a casual closeness, which wouldn't have been such a problem even a year ago. But now it was a sad, pitiful joke to Jake, he wished for that unconditional attention, that rampant, creepy love. Now he didn't just need the attention to inflate his own importance as if Amir’s nagging desire and messed up life and constant need for approval and total lack of basic, modern human qualities--as if it was a measure of worth because in the reality that thrived outside their bubble, it was nothing but disgusting wrongness. But that's not the only need or want anymore. As Jake walked he cursed himself for this, because dear God there was something so much more now. A healthy and normal feeling that
grew out of the festering wound that they once were. Damn Amir and his deviousness, his feverish attempts and inept understanding that should have kept him at bay. His constant nagging, his constant everything infected Jake and ultimately flourished into this forsaken feeling. No longer was there a sense of urgent pity or guilt that once drove him into putting up with Amir, nor was it just a sense of putting up at all. Despite his arrogance, ignorance, and all in between--Jake was madly in love. That self-admitting, even in his head, made him frustrated and devastated because he sure did fall for it. How could he betray himself? How could he put up with it and actually desire the man when he could barely wash himself regularly? These questions brewed heavily in his mind, but all the while he internally screamed "I can change it and this can be okay" as if he could ever really persuade himself that. His thoughts were just as loud as the busy New York night surrounding him.
Two months had phased by without a single moment of change to settle Jakes awful feelings. Fear and nerves and shame stopped him short of every move he tried to reenact from his thoughts. But Amir continued, absolutely unphased in the slightest. Here now he was stuffing day’s old chicken nuggets into his mouth, trying to prove how many he could fit. Clearly disgusted, Jake warned him not to even try. Again, normalcy. As Amir began to cough up the food, it spilled down his shirt and Jake winced visibly.
"Are you alright?" He asked, rolling his eyes as the other man sputtered. He fortunately nodded, however and was able to swallow the food correctly. The former grimaced.
"See, what did I tell you mother fucker?" Amir taunted, his sentence ending with a high pitched yelp. Jake sighed dramatically, "you did it buddy!" He encouraged flatly, "what do you want as your prize?" Amir ducked his chin into his chest add stared up over his glasses with deviancy written all over his face. The look sent a small shiver down Jakes spine.
"I want to hang out tonight,” he whispered, pouting. Jakes heart leapt and he swallowed hard, but shook the feeling away. He stared at his screen, though it had turned off to conserve power, he stared at his dull reflection trying to dismay the smile forcing itself on his features. He swallowed that happiness, "fine, whatever” he muttered, adding in a scoff and an eye roll for Good measure. Still in his tucked pose, Amir grinned, rather eerily.

Here they were, yet again, in Jakes apartment with bags of McDonalds. His heart raced, nerves plummeted into his veins making him jittery and jump every time Amir yelled his name. He was just about silent, caught in a swell of stage fright, since the moment they walked in, and for the most part Amir filled the void instead of wallowing in it. A quality most wouldn't dare to embrace, certainly setting Amir apart and once upon a time Jake couldn't stand it but now he cherishes every dribble of thought that pours past those lovely pink lips. He couldn't stop those wandering thoughts. He trembled with the incredible velocity of their distance, hungered for erasing the space between them and God, the mounting, bubbling feelings he had kept so lock and key, earning to burst forth like fireworks and crashing waves and--
"fucking fuck!" He had jumped up, and was screaming obscenities, the only words he could confidently spew. After his string of angry words, he turned towards his friend, chest heaving, hands still shaking. Amir looked so different; vulnerability had washed over him, shrinking him for he looked so small and frightened. Jake mouthed an apology, but he couldn't muster the sound. But this was it, it all came to this or he wouldn't be able to survive.
"Amir," he started, his throat felt like it was shaking, he fumbled for the words, his stomach lurched painfully, "I'm crazy for you," he whispered, stinging tears brimming his eyes. His breath came out in heavy gasps that burned his tongue. Amir was still, staring at the floor. Jake grabbed at his hair, "I used to hate you so much, you were so annoying and creepy, I just wanted you to go away," his breath was now scratchy sobs, his desperation and unrelenting attempts at trying to be ordinary, "but you've been the constant, you made me feel real and important." Silence fell over him, crumbling all over his body. There was so much danger in this; Amir was like a child in many ways, and the fact that they had to work together. He hit this wall of incredible uncertainty, the wish he could take it back stung in his throat like bile. Sound stuttered in his mouth, "I just hate you now because you made me fall in love with you and I just can't take it anymore," his voice was just above a whisper, hushed but strong with years of pent up aggression and resentment. Amir still hadn't moved a crushing blow to Jake and he felt it puddle in his stomach. His limbs felt like lead as he stood there, waiting. His skin tingled.
Finally the silence was too much to bear any longer, "maybe you should go,” Jake whispered, shame painting his face with a hot, flushed red as he stared at his shoes. He heard the shuffle of Amir’s clothes, the creek of the sofa and he felt a small burst of air as Amir rushed by him. He didn't turn at the clicks of the locks, or at the brushing of the door opening, and certainly not at the gentle slam, followed by heavy footsteps.