The Dream and the Dreamer

Jake was very much aware that as soon as they reached the office, Amir would shriek about their brand new relationship, and everyone would be an amalgam of different responses (confused because they either thought Jake hated Amir or they assumed the two were already a pair, absolutely excited because they had a sense this would happen, disgusted because of how truly Fucked it was in a way because they have yet to forget the time Amir poisoned him, or stabbed him and every time he busted up his face-but perhaps there was some individuals who were totally indifferent and wanted to get back to work.)
But this didn't happen; they both walked together to their desk clump and sat down in silence. It felt as though Jakes heart fell into his stomach, he rubbed at his jaw, attempting to get over the feeling. Throughout the day he stole muted glances in between busy conversations.
Standing in front of the vending machines, Jake wondered if this was one of those times of complete misunderstanding and Amir expected him to step to the plate. A flip flop of characteristics, he questioned to himself. He chewed on the flesh around his thumbnail, contemplating what to do as he listlessly stared ahead. He heard footsteps and he turned quickly, expecting Amir to walk in, but it was just Patrick and his smile fell. Cassels was taken aback, "were you expecting someone else?" He asked, slightly hurt. Jake glared, exaggerating his no. Patrick shrugged, "are you getting anything?" He mumbled, gesturing towards the machines, cash in hand. Jake fumbled over the clenched money in his hands, muttering apologies, "just getting Amir something" he said as he punched in some numbers. Patrick chuckled, "yeah, I've been meaning to ask! What's up with you guys?" He asked, hands on his hips, a quirky smile plastered on his face. It was almost as if he knew
. Jake leaned down slowly to pick up the candy bar that dropped with a heavy thud, much like how Jakes insides felt. His mind raced, he stared over Cassels shoulder, still fumbling for an answer as he stood back up. The quietness was wrenching. Jake stared at the wrapper of the candy, how it shined in the florescent lights and good God, it wasn't helping at all. He gulped, "we're fine," he whispered in a scratchy, rather aloof voice. Patrick just simply gave him a confused look without saying a word, so Jake took the opportunity to leave as quickly as possible. He stopped short in the hallway, clenching his fists, squeezing the candy bar as a result. It was as if his brain was panicking, as if he were split in two as one part of him screamed to tell the world, another hushed him desperately.
Jake turned on his heel and marched back to the kitchen area. Patrick stared at him over a bag of chips, completely bewildered. Jake clutched the door frame, tapping his fingers in rhythm with the throbbing of his head. He cleared his throat, though his voice still held that element of scratchy shyness, "actually, we're dating now" he said, louder than he thought. Patrick’s jaw dropped the corners of his mouth turning into a smile. Jake nodded at the lanky man’s strangeness though it certainly lifted his spirits. He knocked on the frame and waved a brisk goodbye. He walked back to his desk trying not to smile and a blatant spring in his step. He plopped down in his chair and spun around, doing a couple fist pumps in the air. Amir stared at him, brows furrowed in immense suspicion. Jake bit his bottom lip as he stared back, still unable to quell his smile. Amir opened his mouth, about to question him when Jake interrupted, "listen up, everyone!" He shouted as he stood up, "I know it's a bit soon, but I'm just fucking happy as hell, but as of this morning, Amir and I are together!" And with finishing that, he took a bow. It was an immense relief, shame and hated fell away after years of wearing it like a shield. He was finally at the moment where not only could he do so but he could actually say he was dating the man that drove him nuts and be maddeningly proud about it. His heart swelled, as his coworkers responded kindly. They wore mixed expressions, out of confusion really, but they applauded and laughed. Amir stared ahead, a light blush on his cheeks; he too tried to suppress a grin. Jake stood up again, tossing over the candy bar, which was squished from his fingers. Amir stared at where it landed on his desk, then back up as Jake with a quizzical look. The man shrugged, smiling, “I did that because of Pat Cassels, so if you want to blame anyone, blame him,” he stated, laughing shortly as he sat back down.
Adulthood didn't save them from the silly teasing their coworkers partook in, whooping and hollering as Amir and Jake left together. They both grinned wildly, blushing heavily. Jake felt very proud, absolutely confident and almost brand new. It was as if he shed a layer of angst. In the elevator, Amir just stared at him, unmoving.
"What’s up?" Jake asked after a few seconds of awkwardness. Amir didn't answer, even as the doors opened and they walked out in step. He stayed silent until they reached the street, the city basked in the glow of the setting sun. He paused outside a store front window, fidgeting with the strap of his bag. Jake waited for him, rather impatiently.
"I thought you would be ashamed of me,” he mumbled, eyes down cast. This struck a nerve, a pang of guilt in Jakes chest. He gulped, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands and what to say in response to that. It reminded him of when he left for California, when he thought he was saying goodbye for the last time.
The truth was that he often felt a sense of embarrassment, but he was definitely used to the offensive and annoying things Amir did and said. He could generally fix the situation. He had learned how to calm the older man, when his anger became overpowering; he had learned to adapt the clinginess; he learned what to expect and it all stopped bring a hindrance long ago, though he certainly pretended for the sake of it. He enjoyed the banter, in all honesty. He craved the affection and attention, especially. Amir may have fucked a lot of things up, but for some reason, Jake was fine by it. It wags unhealthy and strange, surely. But it was Jake who had to choose what to do. So, shame? Shame never existed, not for a moment. It was only clear to him. It was not Amir’s fault he felt that way, by far. Jake replayed past events over in his head, all those times he pushed Amir’s confidence down further, and the blatant dislike he portrayed. He was stunned and saddened. He was ashamed of himself.
Jake inhaled sharply and looked up at Amir, who wore that shame on his face.
"I've never been ashamed of you,” he said quietly, but sternly, “I’m just a huge asshole." With that, Amir cracked a small, rather short lived smile and continued to walk, Jake following suit.
He sighed deeply and nudged Amir’s hand out of his coat pocket, intertwining his fingers with Amir’s.