I Hope You Like the Stars I Stole for You

Vic’s POV

I felt a presence near me, but I didn’t care enough to open my eyes. After a minute, I knew it was Tony, because I had heard his voice. He was with Jaime and someone else, all three of them standing over me discussing what to do. They sounded so scared, and I felt bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to just jump up and act like everything was fine.

I told myself I would only get up for Mike or my parents.

A few minutes later, I could hear more people shuffling up the dirt road. How had everyone found me ? I heard Mike’s voice, and then he was on his knees next to me, shaking me, begging me to wake up. My eyes fluttered open, and I was face to face with the heartbroken eyes of my little brother. Now I absolutely had to get up.

He pulled me to my feet, him and the other guys supporting me. No one said a word, and I just stared straight ahead. I had nothing to say, because I couldn’t feel anything anymore, it was if I had been shut down. It almost felt like I wasn’t alive….If I hadn’t have felt my heartbeat in my throat, then I would have thought I wasn’t.

I zoned out, letting them guide me as we trudged through the darkness. The search party consisted of Jaime, Tony, Mike, Jack….and Alex and Pruitt. I couldn’t even look at Pruitt, because I would break down again for sure. Being numb was the only thing I had left right now, and I couldn’t lose it. The next thing I know, I’m at Alex’s house, being lead inside. From my understanding, we were all staying here tonight. I stood near the couch, unsure of what I was supposed to do. Mike came over and helped me sit down, and I continued to ignore everyone and focus on nothing. They tried to force me to eat, but I refused. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even feel. I don’t even know how I’m still breathing. Why do they expect me to just hop up and shove some popcorn down my throat and sleep over my enemy’s house like its nothing ? Because it’s not nothing, it’s everything.

Pillows and blankets and other various bedding were laid on the floor, and everyone took their place on the makeshift bed. I denied laying down, what was the point ? Not too long after they laid down, I was the only one up, just sitting with my back against the couch. I kept my eyes focused on the window, contemplating just walking out and leaving again. Surely they wouldn’t find me the second time. The more I thought, the more my will to live drained away. My hopes and dreams spiraled down, down, down, and eventually out of sight. The love of my life had cheated on me right in front of me while I was in the hospital, and now I was forced to sleep with her and the cheater. No, that wasn’t fair, Pruitt hadn’t cheated on me. I couldn’t blame her for being so desirable, and I couldn’t blame her even if she had cheated on me with Alex. He was better looking than me, richer than me, and I had to admit, he was a pretty nice guy. I wouldn’t choose me either.

I sat there pondering, my knees drawn to my chest. The numbness I so relied on was now wearing off, being replaced by an intense pain. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest, constricting me, like my heart was beating too fast and too slow at the same time, like my blood was rushing ice cold through my veins. This is what heartbreak feels like.

As I climbed the stairs, I felt something new with each stair.

This is what hopelessness feels like.

This is what shattered dreams feel like.

This is what depression feels like when it wins.

This is what insanity feels like.

This is what death feels like.

This is what suicide feels like.

As I closed the bathroom door, a single phrase swirled around my head “I don’t wanna wait for the down-set date, I would rather end it all tonight…” Nothing had ever described what I was feeling more than that, except for maybe “My love for you was bulletproof, but you’re the one who shot me.” It made me a little sad when I thought about how I would never get to write the rest of those songs, but it wasn’t enough to make me stay.

I poured the contents of a pill bottle into my hand, ready to take the plunge. In the same moment, the bathroom door busted open, revealing Pruitt. She took in the scene before her. “Vic.” She whispered , terrified. I didn’t look at her, for fear of losing it. I kept my eyes on the pills, my palm outstretched and filled with little white pills that would make this all go away. “Vic ?” Pruitt stepped forward, and when I didn’t reply, she smacked my hand up, causing the pills to fly everywhere. I glared at her, “Why. Did. You. Do. That.” I couldn’t believe it, she had just wrecked my escape plan, my way out. She began to cry, and the pain in my chest returned. “Vic please. Goddamit Victor Vincent. Please stop. I love you more than anyone else in the entire world, more than anything in the entire world, more than the entire world itself. I only broke up with you because I thought you didn’t want me anymore and I wanted you to be happy. Your happiness is the most important thing to me, Vic. I would do anything to make you happy, okay ? I’ll do anything you want. I’ll leave right now and never come back if that’s what you want. Just please stay alive, I can’t exist in a world where you don’t. If you go, I go. If you die, I die too.”

I was filled with rage and something else I couldn’t even identify. She thought I was mad at her, she thought that she had made me want to do this, but that wasn’t it at all. It was me who had done everything wrong, it was me who had stayed in her life even though I knew it was wrong. I was all wrong for her, because I wasn’t good enough for her, she deserved so much more than me. She had never been more wrong than right now, when she blamed herself when the culprit was me.
I looked at her, desperately trying to get her to understand, “Is that what you think ? That I’m mad because you broke up with me ? That I want you to go away and I’ll never get to see you again ? That I want you to die, that I want you to love me, to feel this way ? Because Pruitt, I’m angry with myself. I want to die because of ME. I pushed you away, I let you go, and now I just feel so…empty. When you broke up with me, I pictured my life without you and it meant nothing. I didn’t have to look forward to anymore, it was just hopeless. I felt utterly devoid of emotion, nothing mattered anymore. I could physically feel how meaningless everything was, and it was terrifying. It was like looking into the deepest, darkest pit that you can imagine and knowing that you were about to climb in it and never escape. But you have another option- kill yourself before you climb into this pit, so the obvious choice is to take the easy way out. I felt so much pain and so much nothingness at the same time, and I couldn’t function and I didn’t know what to do and I just kept walking and walking. I don’t know how you guys found me…I didn’t even want to find myself. I didn’t even know where my own soul was. You took it with you when you left, you took my heart…it’s beating for you anyway. But look at how upset I’ve made you, and everyone else in this house. I’ve gone and wrecked everything, and I can’t…I don’t know how to fix it. I DESERVE to die.”

I collapsed onto my knees unable to bear it any longer. I had hurt the one person I loved the most and I just wanted to end her pain. I felt her next to me, “No you don’t Victor, don’t ever say that. People make mistakes, and things can always be fixed. No one is mad at you, I’m not mad at you. We can move past this, but you have to be alive to see it.” She was pleading with me know, and my emotions were so mixed up I didn’t even know what the hell was going on anymore. Her arms encircled me, and things got a little better. “Darling, you’ll be okay. I promise fix, I’m going to help you okay ? And I won’t tell anyone, if you don’t want.” She whispered the sentences to me, sounding just as broken as I.

I looked at her without thinking, blurting out “I would rather end it all tonight.”
“Victor, you’re the only thing that’s keeping me alive. Without you, there is no me. So we either stay alive together or die together, your choice.”

Now that was an unfair choice if I’d ever heard one. But I would suffer through everything in the world if that’s what she wanted, so doing something to keep her alive ? I didn’t even have to think about it, I accepted in a heartbeat. I squeezed her hand, “Then you know what my answer is.” I stood up, leading her back downstairs with me before someone noticed we were up. I took her to the edge of the “bed” on the floor, cuddling up to her with warm blankets. We didn’t sleep, not at first, just enjoyed each other’s company. I can’t believe I almost missed this, almost threw away this feeling. Even when I was numb, Pruitt still made me feel something. She broke the barricade and swam the sea to save me from drowning within myself. She was my life-raft, my beacon of light, my guardian angel.