"Blessed" with a Curse

“I-I’m home…”

Alan walked through the front door with a small smile on his face and a plastic bag in his hand.
I was on the couch, holding my knees to my chest.

Let’s just say that I haven’t been feeling well…but that’s usually the norm for me…
I drank at least three glasses of Jack earlier to numb my thoughts.

It worked for the most part…

The cuts on my hip itched, and I was coming close to scratching them open again, along with the ones on my wrists.

Mitch should’ve known that I’m not a very good listener…

I haven’t seen Kellin for a couple of days…he must still be mad at me for yelling at him…
I don’t blame him…even I’m mad at myself…

Alan sat next to me on the couch, holding a black notebook in his hands.

“What is that…?”
“It’s a notebook…I heard that writing down thoughts helps…I bought it for you…”

I looked away from him.

He took my hand, exposing the cuts on my wrist. He gently brushed his thumb against one of them, a sad look on his face.

“It’s better than drinking or cutting…”

I didn’t know what came over me, but I felt a sickening, twisting feeling in my stomach.

I snatched my hand away from him and grabbed him by his shoulders, quickly pushing him until he was lying down.

My hands went to his throat, squeezing slightly.

“The fuck do you know, huh?! Maybe I like the numbness of alcohol! Or the pain of cutting! Maybe that’s all that I have left! What the fuck do you know?! Huh?! Answer me?!”

I started to squeeze harder.

“A-Austin…y-you’re…hurting me…!”
He tried to pull my hands away, but I wouldn’t let go.

Why am I doing this…? Why am I doing this?

Why am I so angry at him…? He didn’t do anything wrong…

Why can’t I stop…? He was only trying to help me…!

I have to stop…! I’m going to end up killing him…!

“Austin…! P-Please…!”
Tears rolled down his cheeks, his hands weakly trying to pry mine from his throat.

I finally let go. I could only stare at him numbly, watching him cough and gasp for air.
My hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
The effects of the alcohol were wearing off, and I was becoming fully aware.

Another innocent person almost died because of me…

I hugged my knees back to my chest and started to cry.

“I’m sorry Alan…I’m so so sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…”

He was hesitant, but he crawled over to me and gently placed a hand on my head, petting my hair softly.

“It’s okay, Austin. You were upset…”

I closed my eyes and relaxed into his touch.

“Why would you forgive me so easily…? I nearly killed you…”
“I don’t know…I just can…”

I gently pushed him away.

“Just stay away from me for a bit…I don’t want you to get hurt again…”
He stared at me blankly.

“Let’s just say…that I’m cursed…”

He rested his head against my shoulder.

“I’ll take that chance…”

I bit down on my lip, and gently ran my hand through his hair.

First…he drove me to the point of almost killing him…now he’s calming me down…

Alan…what the hell do Kellin and Mitch see in you…?