When We Stand Together

The magazine falls from your hand, sleepy and bored, you rub your eyes and glance at the time. Jeremy's been in surgery for three hours and your worry swells like a sponge. You know he's in good hands and that he's going to be fine, but the irrational part of your brain is working overtime. That irrational part has you worrying over nothing and remembering the fear in Jeremy's eyes had reduced you to tears as soon as you were alone.

"I thought you could use this" Beryl says softly, entering the room and handing you a mug of coffee.

"Thank you" You take a sip and you are glad of it's strength.

"They are just finishing with Jeremy in surgery and he'll be up here in about an hour and a half"

"Why so long in recovery?" You ask, panicking.

After surgery it's unusual for anyone to be in post-op so long.

"Don't panic. The operation went okay." Beryl explains."Jeremy's blood pressure dropped a bit low and we just want to keep an eye on him"

"Is he okay?"

"He's going to be just fine. It's just a reaction to the anaesthesia, but he's been given something to combat that." Beryl says quite optimistically.

"Thank you for letting me know. Do you think it would be okay if I stretch my legs?"

"Go ahead, sweets. As soon as I know he's coming back up here I'll let you know" Beryl gives you a warm smile as you pull on your coat.

You step out into the fresh air and squeeze your eyes close, relief finally hitting you. You fumble in your pockets for your cellphone and you recoil slightly as your fingers brush against the packet of cigarettes Jeremy had asked you to keep safe for him. These days you only smoked socially when drinking and you tended to enjoy the second-hand smoke from Jeremy. Your brain is debating with itself as you slide out one of the cigarettes and place it between your lips.

The nicotine hits you hard and fast. Feeling dizzy, you start to enjoy the taste and the way the smoke coils above your head on the exhale.

"Susie?" Beryl says behind you."Jeremy's being brought up in twenty."

You thank her and finish your cigarette. It's strange to think how relaxed you feel after doing the one thing you swore you would never start again. Spraying perfume, you re-enter the building and make your way back to the ward.

Standing out of the way, you allow the porter and nurses to resettle Jeremy in the private room. He's attached to a few monitors to keep an eye on his blood pressure and a few bags of fluid. Beryl told you on the way back to the ward that Jeremy had felt a little weird when he was breathing in post-op, another possible side effect of the anaesthesia and you can't help but squirm at how vulnerable he looks.

He is breathing in oxygen through his nose and the sticky things attached to his chest, well, he's going to love having them pulled off. It doesn't escape you that there's another IV in his arm and the cardboard bowl to vomit in is sitting near his hand and he looks to be in some pain. You can tell by the grimace he seems to be wearing as the nurse sits him up a bit.

Beryl returns with a jug of iced water and a straw.

"Jeremy" She says, filling the plastic cup."Jeremy?"

You aren't sure whether you should hold his hand or stroke his forehead. You stifle a giggle as she pokes Jeremy's shoulder, jolting him from a drug induced sleep.

"Hey" he says, his voice raspy as he turns to look at you.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

Exhausted and sleepy, he shrugs his shoulder as best as he can and looks around.

"They keep waking me up"

"They're supposed to" You giggle."It's to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine."

You watch him as he tries to wet his lips with his tongue and he coughs, groaning slightly. You double check with Beryl if it's okay to give him a drink from the water.

"Small sips remember or I'll make you suck on an ice cube"

"Yes, ma'am" he replies, croaking.

"You remember that. Do you want something for the pain?" She replies, laughing.

Jeremy asks for another drink and you oblige, willingly. You are just ecstatic that he made it through the surgery because every operation had it's risks and you would be insane to forget that.

"I need to pee" he says suddenly.

"Wait a second and I'll get the nurse"

"I'm fine. I need to go, now" He replies and tries to push himself up so he can swing his legs over.

"I don't think so, Hawkeye" Beryl says as she walks in.

You laugh as she pushes him gently back against the plump pillows. He groans a little and sighs.

"Look, I need to go pee"

"I'll get you a urine container" she says.

"I'm not peeing in that thing!" He says in a snappy tone."Let me use the toilet"

"No, Jeremy" she replies evenly."I can't let you leave the bed until at least three hours after surgery. You could collapse. Your legs will feel like rubber and you are as high as a kite on medication. You either pee in the container or you hold it"

Even drugged up on pain relief, Jeremy's face is a picture.

"Fine" he says finally.

You kiss him softly on the lips while you both have a few minutes of privacy and in true Jeremy fashion, he slides his tongue lazily into your mouth.

"You taste of cigarettes"

"I know" you say quietly."I accidentally had one of yours"

He chuckles softly and winces at the same time. By the time Beryl returns, he's dosed off again and she pokes him awake and you feel guilty for not stopping her. You also notice she's wearing gloves.

"Okay, since you aren't wearing any underwear this will be a lot easier"

"Wait a second, what's with the gloves?" He asks, squinting to focus on her gloved hands.

"You need to pee, don't you?"

"Oh no, there's no way you're helping me pee. I can manage" He replies stubbornly.

"Go ahead" She stands back with her hands on her hips.

You want to step in, but she shakes her head at you to stay out of the way and you have a feeling she deals with this a lot. Jeremy groans as he tries to reach down between his legs and a wall of emotion hits you, making you a little teary at how helpless he looks and how useless he probably feels. He winces as his stomach bends, putting pressure on the two wounds from surgery.

"Need a hand?" Beryl asks.

Jeremy nods and glares at her. He doesn't mean it and he's just embarrassed.

"I'll do it" You say quickly.

If you help him he maybe won't feel so embarrassed about it. At least this way he's keeping his dignity. You reach under the blanket and position the bowl type thing and you hold his member over it. His cheeks are flushing red and he can't look at you as he relieves himself.

"Done?" You ask and he nods.

You shake him off and hand the bowl to Beryl who has been busying herself with his charts. After washing your hands, you take the seat next to him and hold his hand. He watches you through half closed eyes.

"Thanks" he mumbles.

"It's okay." You reply, smiling back.

Beryl returns with some pain medication and as she slowly pushes it into the IV, Jeremy's eyes begin to close.

You sit with him for a few more minutes before leaving him in the capable hands of the nursing staff and it's not until you are in the privacy of your car you finally break down.