When We Stand Together

The cup of coffee you had intended drinking has long gone cold and you consider microwaving it, but the thought of actually drinking it turns your stomach.

You have a pounding headache right across your forehead and your eyes feel heavy, almost dry from crying so much. Make-up this morning hadn't been an option because you knew you would end up crying again. Last night Michelle had texted you and you broke down by a simple, how's the trip?

You close your hands around the mug, staring into the dark blend and you can feel yourself drowning. You are really at a loss at what to do, how to fix things for everyone.

"Hi" Jeremy's gravely sounds from the doorway.

He's hanging back like a shy kid and he looks like that kid in adult form.

"Hey" You reply, licking your lips.

Your mouth suddenly feels so dry and you take a sip of coffee.

"I didn't want to wake you"

"I heard you come in" You reply "I was awake anyway"

He nods and shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, he's still dressed in last nights clothing. He's inspecting his shoes and you glance up at him, his eyes are red and irritated.

Valerie enters the kitchen from the backyard with a washing basket balancing on her hip. She sets down the basket in front of the washing machine and turns to her son, her expression serious.

"Where did you sleep last night?" She asks.

Jeremy leans against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest, his eyes not meeting yours or his mom's.

"I..uh slept out in the car. I had a few drinks"

"You had more than a few drinks. You were wasted" You add.

He looks up at you and looks away.

You remember how he had sobbed and slammed his fists down on the counter, scaring you. It had been the first time you have ever seen him lose his temper.

"I just..." Jeremy begins.

"You were just running away from your problems" Valerie says evenly and you know it's hurting her to be so dry when all she wants to do is hug him.

"Yeah" he admits.

"Why won't you get treatment, Jeremy?" She asks, her eyes starting to tear up."You have everything that's good in your life and you are willing to throw it away."

"It's because everything is so good" He answers."I don't want you to see me like that"

"And what about when it goes terminal. Do you really want us to see you like that?" You ask, your voice cracking as the tears start to run.

"You wouldn't have to"

"What?" You ask.

Valerie stifles a sob and shakes her head.

"You planned it all out, didn't you?"

He nods, sadly.

"Planned what out?" You ask.

You feel on the outside for not knowing what Jeremy's been thinking or has planned. Valerie doesn't answer which means it's up to Jeremy. It upsets you further just thinking about the possibilities.

"When it was time I was going." He says quietly."Without you"

Him saying that just makes your heart break.

"And you would just die out there on your own?" You ask, shocked.

"It's for the best, Susie" He replies.

Jeremy is doing everything physically and mentally to stop himself from breaking down in front of you and Valerie. As usual, he has to be the strong one, but the cracks are too deep to cover up.

The doorbell rings down the hall and you glance nervously at Valerie.

"That will be Lee" She says.

"You invited dad over?" Jeremy asks, surprised and you can see a rush of emotion in his eyes.

"Maybe he will be able to talk some sense into you"

A few minutes later, Jeremy's dad, Lee walks into the kitchen. He is an older version of Jeremy with silver hair and his grey eyes are filled with sadness. Jeremy's whole demeanour has changed.

"I'm going for a smoke"

Lee motions for you both to stay where you are as he joins his son outside. Valerie sits down at the table with you.

"Jeremy's always listened to his father. Do you want some more coffee?" She asks, handing you a tissue.

"Hopefully he will listen to someone and no thank you. I don't think my stomach could take it"

"If it wasn't so early I would pour us a nice big brandy" She says, sighing.

"I think Jeremy drank it all"

"He doesn't even like brandy" she
mumbles, shaking her head.

You walk into the bedroom to find Jeremy sitting on the edge of the bed, wringing his hands just like Valerie did. You had only left the kitchen a few minutes ago to use the bathroom and to freshen up. Jeremy's cheeks are tear stained, his eyes puffy and swollen. Hesitantly, you sit next to him on the bed. You watch his knobbly fingers as they anxiously rub his knuckles.

"Why won't you get treatment, Jer?" You ask and your voice shakes.

"I told you I don't want you to see me like that"

"Don't you think it's killing us to see you like this now?" You point out.

He wears guilt like gladiators wear their armour.

"I know" he replies quietly."I'm sorry"

"I just don't understand why you won't try this treatment. It could save your life"

"I know" he replies, even quieter than the first time.

"If you know, why won't you do it?"

Tears drip down his cheeks as he turns to look at you. You can barely see him through your own tears.

"I'm scared, Susie"

Jeremy wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and you pull him against your chest, feeling damp spots spread on the material.

"It's okay to be scared" You say, feeling his arms wrap around you."We're all scared. I just don't want to lose you, Jer"

The look of relief on Valerie and Lee's faces made your stomach flip when you told them that Jeremy had changed his mind about the treatment. You apologised on his behalf that he had cried himself to sleep in your arms and as horrible as it was to do that, you have a feeling that it won't be your last.