I'm Lost Without You

Alex is looking down at his husband sleeping in the dark room on the other side of the bed. He finds himself unable to sleep, because, well.

It’s pretty obvious.

There is a small whimper coming from the baby monitor on the end table, but nothing enough to jump awake at, the shuffling on the speaker only causing the dark-haired man to stir in his sleep. Unfortunately, no more than a couple seconds later comes the shrill cry from the device’s speakers.
In an instant, Alex is by the door frame of the nursery, admiring the pastel pink of the room him and his husband painted in advance of adopting their baby girl. The name “Eve” is in white-painted wood letters above the crib decorated with butterflies and girly patters.

Jack is passing by him quickly, scratching his head groggily as he picks up the flailing baby, cradling her in his arms. He stands for a moment, rocking her back and forth, shushing her, hoping she just needed the company of her father. Alex is smiling over Jack’s shoulder at the precious bundle in his husband’s arms. There is only a moment of silence as the baby wraps her fingers around her father’s forefinger, gazing at him with big, brown eyeballs.

She starts crying once more, filling the quiet house with a shrilling scream. The man rocks her a little more; bouncing on his heels hoping she’ll quiet down again, but that apparently isn’t what she wanted. The father holds his child closer to his face, unable to detect a scent, and guessing she must be hungry.

Alex follows the man down the stairs as he heads for the open kitchen, noting it’s around three am. He frantically tries to grab the bottles and formula, mixing it as fast and efficiently as he shushes the girl in his arms. Once the mixture is concocted, he starts walking over to the microwave to heat it up.

“Not the microwave,” Alex whispers loudly, and the man halts his actions of opening the door, seeming to think for a moment, changing his mind as he shuts the door and walks to the sink. Jack is careful not to drop his baby girl as he leans over the counter, running the water and leaving his finger under the stream until it warms up.

Once the temperature feels satisfying to him, he holds the plastic bottle under it, smiling at her in his arms; she’s quieted down quite a bit.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispers to her as she makes a small squeaking sound, about to make her needs known again if she doesn’t get that bottle soon.

After a while, he pops the lid off the top, placing the nipple into her small mouth, marveling at how she wraps her small hands around the plastic, gulping enthusiastically. The father then walks towards the small, cozy living room, smoothly sitting down as he holds both her and the bottle.

Alex was already seated on the same couch, on the opposite end, crossing his legs under him. He was resting his elbows on his thighs and his head in his hands, affectionately watching the scene before him; his husband and his baby girl.

“Y’know Uncle Matt?” The man rhetorically asks his daughter as she watches him. “Well, he asked me out on a date and I really wanted to say yes, but that means you’ll have to stay with Uncle Zack, and I just couldn’t bring myself to it.

“But now that I really think about it, I think he could be good for me. And he loves you just as much as I do,” there are now tears in her father’s eyes as his voice cracks, “just as much as both your daddies do.”

Alex feels the first sharp stab hit him square in the chest. The pain has slowly been building up over the time he’s been here. It’s unnatural, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave. Not yet.

The dark-haired man is sniffing back his tears, smiling once more at the heart-shaped face and brown-haired baby in front of him. She looks nothing like the parents who adopted her, but that doesn’t make them love her any less.

He pulls the empty bottle away from her, lifting her and patting her back gently so she can burp. After a couple moments of him just sitting there, running his fingers over her face, her eyelids start to droop and her mouth is slightly open. The father can feel himself getting tired as well again, the silence soothing his whole body.

Standing up, he leaves the bottle on the table, making a mental note to clean that out later. He takes her upstairs, hoping not to wake her sleeping form as he walks up the stairs.

Alex is now in the soft, plush recliner he pushed to have put in here. He’s watching his husband kiss his baby’s head softly, placing her in the crib, and leaning over to switch on the frog night-light Alex also insisted on having. He checks the monitor to make sure it’s still working and on, then leaves the room.

Jack is asleep once again on his side of the double mattress, soft snores filling the bedroom. Alex strokes his dark hair softly, feeling more and more out of place each moment he stays. He does not belong. But he will not leave.

--

Three days later, his husband is in front of the full length mirror in their walk-in closet, buttoning up a blue shirt, a tie loosely wrapped around his neck. He straightens the tie, making it sit perfectly on his chest. He is smiling that sad smile he seems to always be wearing now, trying to straighten everything.

Alex is sitting on the floor in front of the mirror, looking up at his husband, contemplating why he was finding it so hard to avert his gaze.

The man checks the time on his watch, running down to say goodbye to Zack and his baby. He tucks the small silver locket under his shirt so no one can see on the way down the stairs.

They are seated in the living room, Zack playing with her in the baby swing, making cute noises to her, hearing her giggle. Alex is sitting on the couch, watching them.

“Hey Zack, I’m leaving so if you need to call me I’ve got my phone,” he calls to the man in the living room as he’s tying his sneakers which match his jeans well.

“Ah, I know a nervous man when I see one,” says Zack as he walks over to the man with Eve in his arms.

“Yeah, haven’t been on a first date in what, four years?” He chuckled to himself, regretting saying it because now it’s making him feel guilty.

“Hey, it’s just Matt, one of your closest friends. It’ll be fine, dude.”

“Yeah, I just feel like seven months is too short of a time,” he says as he’s seated on the stairs. He’s feeling incredibly guilty now, and just wrong.

“There’s nothing wrong with moving on, Jack.” The man nods, watching his baby squirm in his best friend’s arms, making him smile. “Hey, if you don’t leave now, you’ll be late, Jacko!” That makes the raven-haired man jump up with the realization that yeah, he would have wanted this.

“What would I do without you, man?” he says, leaning down and kissing his girl one last time before jogging out the door.

--

Six months later, and Jack and Matt are celebrating their half-year anniversary at Jack’s house with Eve.

Matt is seated on the floor, playing with the girl as she attempts to play the xylophone in front of her, just ending up smashing the keys with the small mallet.

The TV is on, Jack sitting on the couch with his legs underneath him, running his fingers through his dark hair, feeling completely comfortable in just sweatpants and an old t-shirt. He isn’t paying attention to the television at all, just staring at his two favorite people.

It hurt to think that, but it was true. Alex could never be replaced, but someone had come along and stitched his heart up, and it felt perfect for once.

Alex is seated right next to Jack, looking at him, studying his face because he knows this is it.
“I know you, Jacko. Go tell him.” He whispers it into his husband’s ear, his voice cracking slightly even though he knew the man couldn’t hear it. Alex places his hand along the man’s cheekbones, and maybe a little subconsciously, Jack leans into his touch. The brunette is about to cry, he can feel it as he whispers the single word into his ear one last time.

“Go.”

Jack seems to feel it, because he stands up and walks over to Matt and his baby girl, sitting cross-legged next to the man. He’s trying to get her to play with the blocks now, trying to push the shapes into the designated holes. The raven-haired man rests his head against the other man’s shoulder and smiles at the scene in front of him.

“Hey, Matt?” Jack questions, looking up at the man. He just hums in acknowledgment. “I love you.”
At that, the green-eyed man turns and smiles the happiest smile Jack’s ever seen, whispering, “I love you too.”

And Jack just rests his head back down on his shoulder, watching his little family contently, a new kind of happiness blooming in his stomach.

Alex walks over to Eve, pressing a kiss to the top of her now orange-looking hair. He wishes he could watch her grow up, watch her get her first boyfriend or watch her blow out her candles. But that’s not his place anymore. He kneels down in front of Jack, noting how Matt’s got his arm protectively around his husband.

“I know you’re not alone anymore, Jackary. This is goodbye,” he whispers as he presses a kiss to his lips, a soft touch before whispering his last “I love you.”

The silver locket around Jack’s neck grows warmer, and slightly lighter, causing the man to wrap his fingers around Alex’s ashes, feeling a sense of peace that seemed to flitter around his boyfriend and daughter.

Alex is gone, but not forgotten.