Home in the Cold.

Baltimore was covered in a thick blanket of snow. The world outside Alex’ window was a rich white. It was almost three in the morning, but it was rather bright. The sky was an eerie orange, and the wind blew softly like whispers against the house. Alex sat alone in his kitchen, legs pulled to his chest so that his calves cut against the edge of the table, almost painfully, and his bare feet were cold on the chair. Every part of him was numb, with cold and a dripping madness. His mind was everywhere and the more he was drenched in silence, the more he though. The more he thought, the more he hated himself and the world around him.
Outside, the wind knocked down a trashcan in the back, the sudden noise striking through the silence, startling Alex. He looked around wildly, as if looking for someone to be there. As if looking for him. But, deep in his mind and heart, he knew he wouldn’t be there. He was never going to come back.
In the entertainment room downstairs, the television was still on, just like how everyone left it, on channel 13. It was some infomercial, the narrator’s voice echoing through the empty hose, becoming louder and louder the more Alex concentrated on it. He heard the sounds, but couldn’t make out the words. They were just nonsense in his head. He wanted to turn it off, to actually get up and make his way downstairs, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. There was a joke, with canned laughter, but his own laughter died inside of him. He gritted his teeth together, grinding them against each other in frustration. Anger, at himself, bubbled inside of him.
“Why am I so fucking pathetic?” he burst out, slamming his head down onto the surface of the t able, his legs falling down as well. He stayed there, keeping himself as still as possible. The table was cool against his flushed skin, it was oddly comforting for a moment. He tried to concentrate on something else than his own thoughts. He listened to the distant ticking of a clock somewhere in the house, to the ice machine clicking and clunking, to the noisy silence surrounding him. He closed his eyes, feeling his eyelashes brush against the table. He held his breath for as long as he could, until his throat and lungs hurt as much as his head and heart did. He mumbled something, random and incoherent, to even himself. He tried so hard to keep his mind from earlier that night, or the night before, whenever it was because he wasn’t so sure anymore.
Oli was giggling into Alex’s clavicle. His hot breath sent chills down Alex’s spine. Rian and Zack were screaming at the television, smiles slowly creeping onto their faces as the Ravens gained momentum. There was a blue of green and purple on the screen, but Alex took no attention. Oli was whispering something soft in his ears, the words forming against his skin. Alex could hear Matt laughing, more screaming from Rian, but all he could see was the patch of skin and color as Oliver stretched, his long arms wrapping around Alex’s shoulders. Someone bumped against their heads behind the soda, ushering a slurred apology close to Alex’s ears but he took no notice. There was the sound of breaking glass, followed by more laughter. Jack came downstairs nosily, announcing he had more beer and pizza, not finishing his sentence as Rian yelled the current score at him. Someone jumped on the sofa next to him, and for a split second Alex looked at them. It was some singer, from some local band that he couldn’t remember at that moment in time because Oliver’s slender fingers were sneaking behind him, closer and closer that small, sensitive space on his back. His breath hitched, but he tried to hide the fact by having a swig of stale tasting beer. It burned all the way down his throat. Oliver was saying something, barely audible as the Ravens scored again, earning more screams. Alex was standing up, steadying himself on his feet as he took another long sup. He placed the bottle down on the table, next to his other empty drinks. He looked at Oliver, giving that sideways smile of his, and started up the stairs. He went into the kitchen, shivering at the cold that was sneaking in through the old back door, grabbing a slice of pizza fresh from the box. He scarfed it down as he walked down the hall.
Alex remembers that time started slowing down at that moment.
He walked into his bedroom, turning on the light. And it wasn’t Oliver on his bed. It was that singer from that local band, with his tight jeans and thin shirt. He walk walking over, he was reaching over Alex’s shoulder, closing the door behind Alex. It wasn’t even closed before his lips were on Alex’s. He was at his clothing, trying to pull them off. The beer splashed around Alex’s stomach, he said names and strange things, anything to stop this kid, but his shirt was off and his pants were being unbuttoned. The beer told him to go with it, to stop saying no, to stop resisting and to shut his mouth. It was so slow, it took so long but as soon as Oliver stepped through the door, time back. It came back as fast as Oliver’s fist in his face. He was gone before Alex could leave the room. He heard the front door slam. That singer from that local band had left, but not before one of his demo’s into Alex’s open hand. The latter went into the kitchen, taking groggy drunken steps to the table where he sat down on the same chair he was still in as he replayed this in his head.
Was in.
He was now standing up, standing to his feet, walking to the back door. His hands were turning the knob, pulling open the door, exposing himself to the cold. He took ac couple steps back grabbing two open beers of the counter and drowned them, liquid pouring down his chin and neck. He sighed deeply before taking a leap into the two feet of snow in front of the door. He fell to his knees, the snow soaking through his jeans in the matter of seconds. He wanted to stop, go back inside because it was like knives driving into every inch of his body, but he kept going. He kept crawling forward before the movements were too hard and he flopped down, staying there.
In the freezing cold he shook at the pain. It seeped in to his bones, burning him. Slowly, he let his mind go free. All he could think about was Oliver and his little grin, his hands and the way his nose crinkled when he laughed. As his body and mind started shutting down, he felt as warm as the sweltering summer he met Oliver in. Warmness engulfed him and he could feel the sun burning over him and Oliver, taking his hand and sneaking a quick kiss as they ducked for shade away from the bright sunshine that eventually over powered Alex as he lay there, frigid in the middle of a cold Maryland winter night.