New American Classic

I heard the vibration from my phone followed by the little alert from my laptop. My face was planted in my pillow drool collecting under my mouth. My body was numb, heavy from my rendezvous last night after my run. The stress from this whole grad school situation had gotten to me, especially when I didn’t instantly get my acceptance letter. Yeah I’m aware it would take more then just 2 hours, but in my head the thought of not being what they were looking for chewed away at my sensible side and left me with thinking that I was a failure and stupid for ever sending it in. So instead of being an intelligent person & just taking a warm bath to try and clear my senses, I did the only thing that in my mind was logical…I binged.

Now in most cases “binging” was considered indulging in crappy food that tasted good at the time but made you hate yourself afterwards, or maybe to others it was hitting the bottle a little harsher then most. But for me, it was finding my precious collection of burnt spoons, and rubber ties, and injecting my way to an all too familiar euphoria. My addiction wasn’t the best decision to try and calm myself, but like I said it was a demon that buried it’s way so deep into my conscience that there was no way I was going to be able to let it go.

For me too much was never enough. The only way I’d stop was when my head was too heavy to hold it up any longer, and I couldn’t find a vein that was hungry for more. Sometimes that took me to dangerous levels, but I never thought about it and death rarely scared me anymore.

My phone buzzed again, and as expected a few seconds later my computer beeped. It took me a few more seconds, but eventually I inhaled sharply, wiped the crusted drool from my face, and stumbled my way towards my computer desk. Heavy with sleep my eyes hung half shut, the brightness from my laptop screen making me cringe & close them tightly. After about another second or two I finally wiped the sleep & high away from them and tried my best to focus on the screen. Facebook was being stupid, and Tumblr was nothing but cats & boobs. I didn’t want to check my email, but I knew that was the whole reason my computer & phone were alerting me in the first place. I tapped my index finger on the track pad and after taking another deep breath I clicked on my inbox.

“Ha.” I chuckled aloud. “Go figure.”

The distress in my voice made me sound pathetic, even to myself when I realized that the only new mail I had received was from Facebook, and Twitter, which I don’t even use anymore. What little hope I held that maybe it was from LMU faded quicker then it should have & I was ready to click out of the page when I noticed something different. The page refreshed itself then alerted me that there was another new email.

“Don’t get your hopes up.” I advised myself, “It would be too ironic for you to magically get what you were looking for as you’re looking for it.”

I rolled my eyes & scrolled back up to the top of the list. I’m not sure if my heart was telling me it was ready for another fix, or if it was actually beating with excitement & disbelief. Sweat began to encase itself around the palm of my hands & I suddenly forgot how to read, speak, or think. Oh god am I dying? Did I actually hit my limit last night…am I dying?

“No you idiot, you’re anxious. Open the email, OPEN IT!”

I chewed away at my bottom lip, and let my eyes flash around the page, trying everything in my power to find something else to click on.

“Stop stalling Lola, CLICK ON THE EMAIL.”

“SHUT-UP!” I screamed, scaring even myself.

Dear god if there were people around, they’d all be on their phones getting ready to call the crazy police on me. I shook my head, covering up the fact that I was legitimately screaming at myself and focused back on my computer. After procrastinating for about 20 more minutes, (first deciding I needed to eat, then deciding I needed to shower) I finally worked up enough nerve to click on the email that I’d been waiting for. When I forced my eyes open I only glanced over the letter, looking for certain words like “Sorry” or “Deny”…but I was let down. Then I made myself actually read the letter more accurately, my stomach falling closer and closer to my feet with every new sentence I started on.

“Dearest Lola Baxter,
In receiving your application and letter of recommendation we have given everything the proper attention, and are ecstatic to say that you have been accepted into the Masters of Fine Arts program here at London Metropolitan University this summer.”

Holy fuck. My heart was fluttering unlike anytime it had before. My stomach had vanished into my toes, and my hands felt like they had been dipped in a warm pool. Images flashed in my head and I felt the room begin to spin. I pushed myself away from the desk and tried to stand up straight. With that my stomach flew back upwards, passing where it should be to come up into my throat and out my mouth. As I instinctively heaved forward to let my insides leak from my mouth I couldn’t stop my head from throwing random flashbacks & thoughts around its walls. Eventually my body realized it didn’t hate me and let me fall onto my back on the floor. The room stopped spinning & I was able to manage staring up at the ceiling. My room was still completely dark; the only light came from my laptop. I let the darkness consume my entire body, my mind included.

Was this really happening? Did I really just read what I thought I did, or is it still just a really bad hallucination from last night? It can’t possibly be real; I only sent that thing in yesterday. There’s no way they liked it so much that they gave it special treatment and reviewed it overnight.

“Just be proud of yourself for once.”

My conscience was right once again. This all seemed so surreal, but maybe for once it was time to stop playing the depressed victim, and start realizing that good things do come to those who wait. I put my hand over my forehead, god that was cheesy.

“But it’s true…”

It was true though, for once it was absolutely true. I finally got the “break” I had been slaving over ever since I graduated with my bachelors. I sat up slowly and examined my room for the friend it was time to communicate with. I got in yeah, so it was only right for me to have a little celebratory hit. I finally found what I was looking for, and as quick as I could I headed to my little world of vibrating walls, and shifting furniture.

“You got in, yeah but don’t ruin it before it’s even begun.”

“I’m going to London.” I slurred to myself. “London.”