New American Classic
All I Need
The words “Be ready by 7 tonight” floated at the back of my head. It was 5 and I had been getting ready since Dan left. I took a good look at myself in the mirror and took a deep breath.
“Get it together Lola.” I advised myself peering at my glossy red eyes. “It’s just a little ‘date’ not the end of your life.”
A “date”…. could I even consider it that? Is that what Dan was thinking it was or was I just being a psycho already? My eyes stayed focused on my reflection as I tried my hardest not to tear myself apart too harshly. My hair was being it’s typical irrational self so I just threw it up in a messy bun type deal, and my make-up…forget it no matter how hard I tried it wasn’t doing what I wanted to.
“Stupid liquid eyeliner.” I growled to the bottle, “Why can’t you magically make both wings even.”
With a final glance and sigh in the mirror I decided it was time to just walk away before I started hating everything about myself and started over. When I entered the kitchen area my heart fluttered a little as I reminisced on earlier in the day when I first noticed Dan…well…noticing me.
You were in your pajamas, if he looked interested then, then he’s obviously feeling something for you…
I chewed on my lip softly and poured myself a glass of the cheap wine I had bought this afternoon.
“Why not get things started early?” I said to myself, taking a big swig.
Feeling like the slight buzz from the wine wasn’t enough, I slipped back into my bathroom and sat on the cool tile floor with my familiar friend.
Don’t do it Lola…not tonight.
I ignored my heads advice. It was too late anyways, my veins were bulging and my addiction was already hungering for more.
No Lola…no.
At that last thought, my neck craned backwards against the pure white wall, my hands falling limp at my sides. My eyes were dancing in and out of focus and my heart vibrated rapidly against my chest.
You’ve done too much.
I’m surprised I was even able to hear my conscience’s warning. I had done way too much…all my composure was slipping, and I was losing my being as a black hole began to swallow me whole; consuming me. A distant rupture of thunder rang through the darkness quickly bringing me back to Earth.
“Oh my god.” I moaned slipping as I tried to get up. “I’m coming…I…I’m com-.”
My breathing was short and husky. The room was shifting with every step I took, making me reach my hands out for balance.
“I’m coming!” I yelled trying to sound normal.
I mumbled miscellaneous things to myself, all of my words jumbled together. Finally I reached the door wanting nothing more then to just lie down in the middle of the hallway. The doorknob seemed to run away from my hand as I reached aimlessly for it.
“Lola, you ok?”
Dan’s voice was muffled with worry from behind the door.
“I…I’m fine…this door it’s just…tricky.” I lied, thankfully catching the knob.
Jesus christ I didn’t realize how long I was in the bathroom. It’s been two hours it’s already 7. When I opened the door Dan stood with his mouth open as if mid sentence. Once realizing I was actually there his eyes grazed up and down my entirety. My trip was now fading like the sight of Dan suddenly had healing powers. Dan planted his eyes on mine, which sent a tremor through my body and made my heart ache. Awkwardly we stood in heavy silence waiting for the other to break it.
“So uhm…” I started as I fiddled with a lose string that hung off my purse. “Ready?”
Dan nodded anxiously and stepped out of the way to let me through the door. I turned to wait for him and noticed that his eyes were already watching me. My cheeks tingled a bit but I wasn’t sure if it was because of him, or the drugs. We headed towards the elevator quietly…I guess both scared to say something stupid. Once on we stood on opposite sides as if one of us had a disease. It wasn’t until we got all the way downstairs that Dan finally spoke up.
“It’s lovely out isn’t it?”
He was attempting to make small talk. I nodded sheepishly and then glanced around at my surroundings. Summer in London was more beautiful then I had thought. The trees were still gaining their color from a shitty spring and tiny birds sang their beautiful songs as they scoured the ground for worms.
“I always thought London was nothing but rain.” I admitted looking straight ahead now.
Dan let out a tiny laugh and I think he stepped closer to me.
“It’s not always raining, but for the most part you’re right.” He informed, pushing his hands into his pockets.
“So where are you taking me Mr. Howell?” I asked after slight quietness.
“Well I know it’s quite played out, but I was thinking we could get dinner then go see a movie. Before you can complain it’s a movie in the park, not just in a theater.” He defended sounding almost embarrassed with his idea.
I smiled wildly to myself he was adorable.
“We have things like that in California.” I said. “I like them a lot actually so it’s not ‘played out’.”
I could almost see the relief pour from him once he knew I was pleased with his plan.
See you’re doing fine…
The words “doing fine” struck me hard bringing back the memory of my mom at the airport, causing a sudden urge to binge. I lurched forward unexpectedly and felt like I could hurl.
“Fuck.” Dan spat, throwing his arms around me.
I fell to my knees and tried to hold back my body’s urge to convulse.
“Lola, what’s wrong!?” He cried, completely confused as to what to do.
I closed my eyes & kept my mouth shut trying to gain my strength back. After a few minutes I was able to stand back up, & acted like nothing happened. Dan stepped in front of me and held me at arms length, examining my face for an answer.
“I’m fine Dan.” Venom spilt from my throat, the need for my poison causing irritation. “Lets just keep going.”
Dan shot me a perplexed expression, missing the reasoning behind my sudden mood change. We walked to the restaurant in silence…Dan scared to speak to me…myself afraid that if I opened my mouth I’d say many regretful things. Once at the restaurant I only sat for a minute before excusing myself to the bathroom. My legs couldn’t move fast enough as if purposely keeping me from my pocketed mood enhancer.
My urges were stronger for some reason. Being around Dan brought back memories that pushed me almost off the edge. I was beginning to feel for Dan, yes…but if this was how it was going to be then I’m not sure if this was the right decision. I didn’t need someone who was bad for me.
Or someone who’s too good for a junkie like you.
I slammed my thoughts away with the stall door, and plopped down on the toilet. Maybe my monster was the only thing I needed in my life…maybe I didn’t need anything or anyone else at all..
“Get it together Lola.” I advised myself peering at my glossy red eyes. “It’s just a little ‘date’ not the end of your life.”
A “date”…. could I even consider it that? Is that what Dan was thinking it was or was I just being a psycho already? My eyes stayed focused on my reflection as I tried my hardest not to tear myself apart too harshly. My hair was being it’s typical irrational self so I just threw it up in a messy bun type deal, and my make-up…forget it no matter how hard I tried it wasn’t doing what I wanted to.
“Stupid liquid eyeliner.” I growled to the bottle, “Why can’t you magically make both wings even.”
With a final glance and sigh in the mirror I decided it was time to just walk away before I started hating everything about myself and started over. When I entered the kitchen area my heart fluttered a little as I reminisced on earlier in the day when I first noticed Dan…well…noticing me.
You were in your pajamas, if he looked interested then, then he’s obviously feeling something for you…
I chewed on my lip softly and poured myself a glass of the cheap wine I had bought this afternoon.
“Why not get things started early?” I said to myself, taking a big swig.
Feeling like the slight buzz from the wine wasn’t enough, I slipped back into my bathroom and sat on the cool tile floor with my familiar friend.
Don’t do it Lola…not tonight.
I ignored my heads advice. It was too late anyways, my veins were bulging and my addiction was already hungering for more.
No Lola…no.
At that last thought, my neck craned backwards against the pure white wall, my hands falling limp at my sides. My eyes were dancing in and out of focus and my heart vibrated rapidly against my chest.
You’ve done too much.
I’m surprised I was even able to hear my conscience’s warning. I had done way too much…all my composure was slipping, and I was losing my being as a black hole began to swallow me whole; consuming me. A distant rupture of thunder rang through the darkness quickly bringing me back to Earth.
“Oh my god.” I moaned slipping as I tried to get up. “I’m coming…I…I’m com-.”
My breathing was short and husky. The room was shifting with every step I took, making me reach my hands out for balance.
“I’m coming!” I yelled trying to sound normal.
I mumbled miscellaneous things to myself, all of my words jumbled together. Finally I reached the door wanting nothing more then to just lie down in the middle of the hallway. The doorknob seemed to run away from my hand as I reached aimlessly for it.
“Lola, you ok?”
Dan’s voice was muffled with worry from behind the door.
“I…I’m fine…this door it’s just…tricky.” I lied, thankfully catching the knob.
Jesus christ I didn’t realize how long I was in the bathroom. It’s been two hours it’s already 7. When I opened the door Dan stood with his mouth open as if mid sentence. Once realizing I was actually there his eyes grazed up and down my entirety. My trip was now fading like the sight of Dan suddenly had healing powers. Dan planted his eyes on mine, which sent a tremor through my body and made my heart ache. Awkwardly we stood in heavy silence waiting for the other to break it.
“So uhm…” I started as I fiddled with a lose string that hung off my purse. “Ready?”
Dan nodded anxiously and stepped out of the way to let me through the door. I turned to wait for him and noticed that his eyes were already watching me. My cheeks tingled a bit but I wasn’t sure if it was because of him, or the drugs. We headed towards the elevator quietly…I guess both scared to say something stupid. Once on we stood on opposite sides as if one of us had a disease. It wasn’t until we got all the way downstairs that Dan finally spoke up.
“It’s lovely out isn’t it?”
He was attempting to make small talk. I nodded sheepishly and then glanced around at my surroundings. Summer in London was more beautiful then I had thought. The trees were still gaining their color from a shitty spring and tiny birds sang their beautiful songs as they scoured the ground for worms.
“I always thought London was nothing but rain.” I admitted looking straight ahead now.
Dan let out a tiny laugh and I think he stepped closer to me.
“It’s not always raining, but for the most part you’re right.” He informed, pushing his hands into his pockets.
“So where are you taking me Mr. Howell?” I asked after slight quietness.
“Well I know it’s quite played out, but I was thinking we could get dinner then go see a movie. Before you can complain it’s a movie in the park, not just in a theater.” He defended sounding almost embarrassed with his idea.
I smiled wildly to myself he was adorable.
“We have things like that in California.” I said. “I like them a lot actually so it’s not ‘played out’.”
I could almost see the relief pour from him once he knew I was pleased with his plan.
See you’re doing fine…
The words “doing fine” struck me hard bringing back the memory of my mom at the airport, causing a sudden urge to binge. I lurched forward unexpectedly and felt like I could hurl.
“Fuck.” Dan spat, throwing his arms around me.
I fell to my knees and tried to hold back my body’s urge to convulse.
“Lola, what’s wrong!?” He cried, completely confused as to what to do.
I closed my eyes & kept my mouth shut trying to gain my strength back. After a few minutes I was able to stand back up, & acted like nothing happened. Dan stepped in front of me and held me at arms length, examining my face for an answer.
“I’m fine Dan.” Venom spilt from my throat, the need for my poison causing irritation. “Lets just keep going.”
Dan shot me a perplexed expression, missing the reasoning behind my sudden mood change. We walked to the restaurant in silence…Dan scared to speak to me…myself afraid that if I opened my mouth I’d say many regretful things. Once at the restaurant I only sat for a minute before excusing myself to the bathroom. My legs couldn’t move fast enough as if purposely keeping me from my pocketed mood enhancer.
My urges were stronger for some reason. Being around Dan brought back memories that pushed me almost off the edge. I was beginning to feel for Dan, yes…but if this was how it was going to be then I’m not sure if this was the right decision. I didn’t need someone who was bad for me.
Or someone who’s too good for a junkie like you.
I slammed my thoughts away with the stall door, and plopped down on the toilet. Maybe my monster was the only thing I needed in my life…maybe I didn’t need anything or anyone else at all..