New American Classic

Today was the day I was scheduled to meet with my new advisor to talk about my school schedule. I wasn’t exactly “nervous”, it was all just very overwhelming. Knowing I couldn’t have a little quickie with my “friend” wasn’t helping either.

“D’ya want me to go with you?” Dan asked as we ate breakfast together.

I shook my head “no” and nibbled quietly at my toast too lost in my own thoughts. Dan attempted to smile comfortingly as he got up from his seat across from me. He came up behind me and put his arms under mine and across my stomach securely…his head resting atop mine. We weren’t dating, Dan never officially “asked me out” but we sure acted like it…we acted like best friends.

“You’ll be fine love.” He whispered into my hair.

“Love” a new pet name Dan designated to me. It made my spine ripple with chills and my heart feel like it was ready to burst right from my chest. But we still weren’t together which toyed with my head in uncomfortable ways.

“I guess I should go get ready.” I mumbled mostly to myself.

Dan hesitated for a minute but finally released me from his grip. I didn’t even look at him as I walked away, the thought of us not being together bringing a glaze of fresh tears to my eyes.

“Lola.” He called after me.

Cautiously I turned towards him, his smile catching my vision.

“Good luck.” He said softly.

A not so genuine smile forced my lips to curl up and without a word I headed to my room.

So you do have feelings for him.

I definitely had feelings for Dan…feelings that were constantly confusing and tearing me to pieces. I sighed as I tried to concentrate on what I was going to wear for my appointment. The feelings for Dan weren’t going to get in the way of my schoolwork. That’s happened before and I refuse to let it happen again.



Lola was in another weird mood this morning. I wanted to go with her to the school but she refused to let me go saying, “It’s probably better for just me to go.” The past week had been wonderful we spent almost every day together. With her anything was ok even if we did absolutely nothing but sit in her apartment and watch stupid reality tv shows that we both hated. Just being with her was enough for me and I’m hoping it was the same for her. We weren’t technically together and I got the feeling that bothered her, but I needed the timing to be perfect when I asked to make it official and right now wasn’t the right time. She was too busy thinking about school and I didn’t want to come between her and her studies.

Better do it soon before it’s too late…


As I sat quietly by myself on the bus on my way home my mind raced with multiple thoughts. The school was absolutely beautiful, absolutely perfect. It almost seemed too perfect…especially for someone like me. The faculty wasn’t as intimidating as I had assumed, in fact for being in a place with such high expectations they were pretty laid back. That didn’t stop me from absolutely doubting myself.

“You’re portfolio is absolutely stunning Miss.Baxter.”

The lady I talked to seemed to really enjoy my work, but of course I thought every word she said was nothing but a lie.

Why can’t you ever just stay happy?

So far I was doing really well at not thinking about Dan…he didn’t even cross my mind while I was touring the school but now that I was finished thinking about school, he somehow slipped his way into my head. I liked him a lot, which was very obvious. I just didn’t want to continue pursuing something that wasn’t ever going to happen.

By the time I reached my apartment building my head was throbbing furiously, my face clammy with cold sweat.

You don’t need it.

My conscience warned me before I could even consider the want for my drug. I should probably start listening to it but I was too selfish. I considered going to Dan’s apartment…I should’ve gone through with it. It probably would’ve saved me the trouble that pursued after I got into my cool apartment. I didn’t intend on doing too much…it never crossed my mind. My problem with self-control took over though.

Lola, what are you doing?

Setting myself free I argued as I prepared my newly purchased needle. I took a deep breath as I looked over my set up. I finally slid against the wall down to a sitting position. Along with the needle…I also bought a small supply of a new unfamiliar kind of monster to me that was floating its way around London. I never had the balls to touch Crystal but for some reason my last supply wasn’t strong enough and the sensation for something more powerful had taken control of me.

Why

Why? Because although everything in life seemed perfect for about a week…it wasn’t. The school I got accepted into was too good for me and the boy that I thought would be mine didn’t want me for more then just a friend. I wasn’t going to be able to handle the pressure from my schoolwork it would be way too much. My decision to come half way across the world was one of the most ignorant decisions of my life. My decision to let some stranger in was one of the poorest decisions I’ve ever made. To put it simply I made a dumb move and it was all my fault.

So you’ll get high to deal with it?

It’s the only way I know how to deal with everything. Getting high got rid of every single problem I had at the moment. Yes it ultimately caused worse problems like my undying addiction to hard drugs, but that wasn’t the point. I didn’t know how else to handle anything…I couldn’t handle it sober.

You’re an idiot

I ignored that final comment, focusing now on which vein to puncture next. Yes while I sat there arguing with myself internally I had already injected almost the entire vile of potent substance into my arm…all of my veins now rejecting.

Stop

But I couldn’t now. I was further into the blackness then I had ever been before. I was in the depth of the dark that most people probably wouldn’t ever come out of again. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I’d come out of this. And frankly…I didn’t care maybe it would be better this way. My surroundings were morphing as little white spots flashed before my eyes. My muscles were jumping with every breath I took and my heartbeat drowned out any other sound. I felt my eyes begin to lull into the back of my head, and I forced them to stay open.

This is where I should’ve stopped, but I couldn’t…I had to keep going. My conscience couldn’t even argue with me now it was being blocked by the numbing sensation in my head. Some how I managed to stand up after falling back down many times. I don’t know what exactly made me leave my apartment but something deep down ignited the want for Dan to be with me. When I finally reached the outside hallway of the floor it took me what seemed like an hour to reach Dan’s apartment that was a few doors down. I knocked once and before I could knock again the door swung open pulling me with it.

“Lola!”

A distant voice called out as my body tumbled forward. I felt myself being rolled over and as my eyes flickered out of focus a familiar face was above me. His lips were moving but I couldn’t hear the words that were trailing. My hand tried to reach for his face but it couldn’t find the strength.

“Lola, please.”

I watched him mouth the words, as he rocked me back and forth in his arms but I couldn’t find my voice to tell him that everything was ok. I could feel cool drips come in contact with my over heated skin. He was crying?

Please Dan don’t worry everything’s ok…