Diamonds and Stones

A/N: Triggering, sad, and rushed.

I ran into my room, sobbing. I didn't care that I had cut the last three periods of school. I didn't care that I was going to be in so much trouble if Nancy found out.
I didn't care about anything at that moment. All that was running through my mind was Phil and his bulimia. And how I couldn't make him feel better about himself.
Had this been going on all along? I made sure he ate a little at lunch every day. He didn't file to the bathroom straight afterwards. What was going on?
All I knew was that I couldn't help him. I didn't know how to help Lizzy and now I was seeing that I couldn't help Phil. All my efforts to show him how much he meant to me just the way he was had failed. I wasn't very good at expressing how I feel, I'll admit that. But I thought I'd managed... I thought I'd be able to stop him, able to make him see how amazing he truly is...
But I guess I thought wrong.
"This is all my fault," I sobbed into my pillow.
A thought, light at a feather, floated into my mind. But as soon as I acknowledged it, it became a heavy weight, a duty, a want, a need.
'No, Juliette, you can't.'
I ignored the voice. I ignored it all. All I knew was that there was one thing and one thing only that would help right now.
With shaky hands and shaky steps, I wiped the tears from my eyes and made my way to my cupboard. I dug my hand in and pulled out a sharpener.
My sharpener, with loose screws and bloodstains.
I couldn't make myself throw it out. I knew a day would come where I would need the wretched blade again, feel it again.
I fell to the floor, yanking out the screws.
I was mad at myself. How could I have let this happen?
I pressed it to my wrist and closed my eyes.
'You know this is your fault. It's all your fault.'
I pressed harder, dug deeper.
'You honestly thought you'd make enough impact on him to make him stop? You stupid girl.'
Deeper.
'Of course you can't. How can you make people feel better when you can't even make yourself worth a dime?'
Even deeper.
'Yes, that's right. Go ahead...'
I clenched my jaw.
'Everything is your fault. Your parents, your real sister. Why did they die and not you?'
The blade fell to the floor with a clatter, and I took a deep breath. I was holding it unconsciously, unknowingly. I closed my eyes.
It was nowhere near deep enough to kill, but I felt my eyelids getting heavier, my head buzzing, the room fading into darkness.
~~
I opened my eyes tentatively, slowly. My head felt like it was going to explode, and my wrist felt warm.
I looked around to see Lizzy standing over me. When her gaze met mine, she hugged me. Her face was a mixture of sadness and anger. I looked away.
"What were you thinking?" she sighed.
"What happened?"
"Passed out on the floor with a bloody wrist, that's what happened!"
I winced at her tone. "Please don't yell at me right now."
"I'm sorry," she sighed. "But Juliette... Why?"
"Because."
"Is it because of Phil?"
"How do you know about that?"
"Phil's the one who found you in this state. He's the one who bandaged your wrist, and called me. If not for him, you'd be dead..." her voice faltered a bit. "Don't do that ever again."
"I'm sorry Lizzy. I truly am."
She sighed. "Don't leave."
"I'm not planning to."
"Then?"
"I... It helps, and you know it."
"I know. But what was going on in your mind?"
"The fact I couldn't help Phil. My parents. My sister. Everything. Nothing."
"Talk to him."
"To who?"
"To Phil. He's in the living room right now."
She walked away, and I sat up straighter. I glanced at my wrist. It was bandaged, and a heart was drawn onto the bandage. I smiled slightly: no matter what the situation was, Phil was perfect by nature.
The door to my room opened, and he stepped in. We looked at each other for a moment, then he sat down next to me. He was sniffling softly. I pulled him in for an awkward, lopsided hug, and he buried his head in my shoulder.
"Don't do that again," he whispered. "Please don't leave me."
"I won't ever leave, Phil."
"Why did you do it?"
"Because I felt horrible. I felt like the reason why you did what you did... I felt like I didn't make you see how truly amazing you are."
He looked up at me. "Are you... Are you blaming yourself?"
I nodded. "It is my fault, Phil. Had I just showed you how freaking much you mean to me and how scared I am of losing you, maybe it wouldn't have happened this way..."
"Juliette. Don't. Please don't think that."
"But Phil-"
"No 'but's."
"Then why did you do it, Phil?"
He sighed. "I still want to be perfect. Perfect for you."
I took him by the shoulders and looked at him firmly. "Phil, you are perfect. In every single way, you're perfect... Take off your shirt."
"What?" he said, blushing slightly.
"Just do it."
He did so, hesitantly. It was a strange request, yes. But I knew what I was doing.
You could clearly see his collarbones, hipbones, and all his ribs. I ran a gentle hand over them and hugged him.
"Stop doing this to yourself, Phil," I said, feeling tears prickling my eyes. "Please."
He nodded, hugging me back tightly.
I wiped my eyes slightly. "Gosh, we're all so messed up."
We both chuckled slightly, and I pulled back a bit, just to kiss him. It was slow, long, passionate, and sad. I guess it held a promise.
I pulled away and whispered something. "Phil, I know we've been... In a relationship for a really short time... But we were friends for a while before that, best friends. And I think... No, I know... I'm in love with you. I love you, Phil. With all my heart."
He smiled shyly at me. "I love you, too, Juliette. So much."