Status: Done :)
Letters to Tammy
Letter 256
To my beloved sister,
Tammy, I feel like it’s been so long since I have written to you. I guess things are a bit hectic with the wedding fast approaching. This has been a very painful and joyous experience for me. I am so sad that you won’t be my maid of honor that you won’t be standing by my side on this most important day. That you won't fuss over my hair, and tell me I look radiant in my dress. Instead I will be having no bridal party, so the pain of you absence is lessened a bit. Well at least that's how it will work in theory.
I feel like everything is moving so fast, it’s been a year since Alejandro proposed on our two year anniversary. Can you believe I fell in love with him four years ago? Can you believe you have been gone for five whole years Tammy? Can you believe I still count each day I have been without you? It has been 1825 days today; you would have been 32 years old. I wonder if you would have felt the pang of entering your thirties like I did. The memories of you aren't as constant as they used to be and I am not sure if I should be relieved or devastated. I wonder how you would feel if the tables had been turned, if you were in my shoes instead. Alejandro still holds me when I cry, especially when the fear of losing you in my mind sharpens each day. The doctors are telling me that it’s normal for my mind to block you out for a while, being that it’s a painful memory that I have now associated with the good ones. Post traumatic stress disorder, that’s what it’s called.
Ale tells me stories about you, so that I can relive them without the headaches. They said the wedding with the added stress may be making things a bit harder for me. The doctors told me maybe if I take a step back the headaches will ease up. So I can’t plan as much as I would like, Ale handles so much of it. The headaches haven't really been any better, but that's because everyday close my eyes and recount to myself the details of your face so I won't forget them. I remember your gray eyes, and perfect dimples, the ring of your fading laughter and the strength of your hugs. I even recall to myself your scent, wanting none of those things to fade into black. So I would say the headaches are worth it.
It makes me feel so bad, but flashes of Jason have filled my mind lately, especially when I went to try on dresses. I still wonder what my future husband sees in me, why marry someone you know is this messed up? I try my very best to give him the best of me, and I am just happy that he loves me for that much. It takes a lot of effort Tammy, to hold myself together for him. I try so hard to be some form of normal but I am pretty sure its not working out so great. Tammy, I am so afraid that he will leave me or worse die.
The nightmares are horrid too Tammy, now it’s just your lifeless body laying in my white wedding dress. It makes me feel like I was the one who stole these moments from you. As if I had killed you myself, the doctors tell me this is normal too. I see a lot of doctors now to be able to function, I don't work as much since becoming partner of the company, it just a lot of showing up to save face I guess. With less distraction comes more time to mourn you, so my grief has grown more potent rather then less. Which of course, is not a good thing.
I am so tried because I wake up screaming every night. I wonder if I am ready for this Tammy, this marriage is a huge step in letting Jason go; maybe that’s what this is all about. You remember that velveteen rabbit bunny he got you, I sleep with it now. It smells faintly of you, maybe I shouldn't do things like that. I am not sure it is really making anything worse but I am sure others probably view it that way. I mean what could be worse then you not being here, even Ale knows that happiness he brings me is tainted with constant reminders of your absence. I wonder if that bothers him, I see him writing to you from time to time, I think that makes me the happiest. That he embraces this hobby of mine and joins in by writing to you. I know you will never read these words, that this is all just a way to comfort me, to help me cope with you not being here. Sometimes I even talk to you out loud knowing that words are only reaching my own ears. How have I made it through these last five years without you? How is it that the 27 years I spent laying by your side seem to fade so quickly with the growing gap of your ever present absence?
I am getting one of those headaches again, they always flair up when I write you. That’s why I can only bare to do so every other day now. That fact alone is making things worse for me Tammy, what happens if I just can’t write to you at all? What will I do then? How will I cope? I can feel my chest constrict making my breathing labored just at the simple thought. I still need you Tammy, I will always need you. Please just come back to me.
No longer alone yet still lonely without you,
Sammy
Tammy, I feel like it’s been so long since I have written to you. I guess things are a bit hectic with the wedding fast approaching. This has been a very painful and joyous experience for me. I am so sad that you won’t be my maid of honor that you won’t be standing by my side on this most important day. That you won't fuss over my hair, and tell me I look radiant in my dress. Instead I will be having no bridal party, so the pain of you absence is lessened a bit. Well at least that's how it will work in theory.
I feel like everything is moving so fast, it’s been a year since Alejandro proposed on our two year anniversary. Can you believe I fell in love with him four years ago? Can you believe you have been gone for five whole years Tammy? Can you believe I still count each day I have been without you? It has been 1825 days today; you would have been 32 years old. I wonder if you would have felt the pang of entering your thirties like I did. The memories of you aren't as constant as they used to be and I am not sure if I should be relieved or devastated. I wonder how you would feel if the tables had been turned, if you were in my shoes instead. Alejandro still holds me when I cry, especially when the fear of losing you in my mind sharpens each day. The doctors are telling me that it’s normal for my mind to block you out for a while, being that it’s a painful memory that I have now associated with the good ones. Post traumatic stress disorder, that’s what it’s called.
Ale tells me stories about you, so that I can relive them without the headaches. They said the wedding with the added stress may be making things a bit harder for me. The doctors told me maybe if I take a step back the headaches will ease up. So I can’t plan as much as I would like, Ale handles so much of it. The headaches haven't really been any better, but that's because everyday close my eyes and recount to myself the details of your face so I won't forget them. I remember your gray eyes, and perfect dimples, the ring of your fading laughter and the strength of your hugs. I even recall to myself your scent, wanting none of those things to fade into black. So I would say the headaches are worth it.
It makes me feel so bad, but flashes of Jason have filled my mind lately, especially when I went to try on dresses. I still wonder what my future husband sees in me, why marry someone you know is this messed up? I try my very best to give him the best of me, and I am just happy that he loves me for that much. It takes a lot of effort Tammy, to hold myself together for him. I try so hard to be some form of normal but I am pretty sure its not working out so great. Tammy, I am so afraid that he will leave me or worse die.
The nightmares are horrid too Tammy, now it’s just your lifeless body laying in my white wedding dress. It makes me feel like I was the one who stole these moments from you. As if I had killed you myself, the doctors tell me this is normal too. I see a lot of doctors now to be able to function, I don't work as much since becoming partner of the company, it just a lot of showing up to save face I guess. With less distraction comes more time to mourn you, so my grief has grown more potent rather then less. Which of course, is not a good thing.
I am so tried because I wake up screaming every night. I wonder if I am ready for this Tammy, this marriage is a huge step in letting Jason go; maybe that’s what this is all about. You remember that velveteen rabbit bunny he got you, I sleep with it now. It smells faintly of you, maybe I shouldn't do things like that. I am not sure it is really making anything worse but I am sure others probably view it that way. I mean what could be worse then you not being here, even Ale knows that happiness he brings me is tainted with constant reminders of your absence. I wonder if that bothers him, I see him writing to you from time to time, I think that makes me the happiest. That he embraces this hobby of mine and joins in by writing to you. I know you will never read these words, that this is all just a way to comfort me, to help me cope with you not being here. Sometimes I even talk to you out loud knowing that words are only reaching my own ears. How have I made it through these last five years without you? How is it that the 27 years I spent laying by your side seem to fade so quickly with the growing gap of your ever present absence?
I am getting one of those headaches again, they always flair up when I write you. That’s why I can only bare to do so every other day now. That fact alone is making things worse for me Tammy, what happens if I just can’t write to you at all? What will I do then? How will I cope? I can feel my chest constrict making my breathing labored just at the simple thought. I still need you Tammy, I will always need you. Please just come back to me.
No longer alone yet still lonely without you,
Sammy
♠ ♠ ♠
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