Status: Done :)
Letters to Tammy
Letter 3
Tammy, I am so sorry that we haven’t spoken all weekend; I had to do so much running around. I was so exhausted that I kept falling straight to sleep as soon as I arrived home. I feel so guilty like I have betrayed you with my silence. Please forgive me Tammy. The good news is I have completed all the major things I needed to do. Well the personal things that is. Today was my first day of work let me tell you about it. I know you love hearing about my day.
Well Tams, it was interesting speaking Spanish to all my colleagues. It's funny how the language just rolls off my tongue. I guess it must have been from the late night Spanish television you used to love to watch. I can still remember those nights, you would shout my name across the hall at 2 am. Upsetting the neighbors and waking up the whole floor. ‘Sammy I can’t sleep!’ I knew that if I didn't get out of bed we would have a riot on our hands. So I would slip on my fuzzy slipper, that you had given to me as a gift and make my way across the hall. Shutting the door on the neighbors muffled complaints to join you on the couch. I would curl up next to you and you were always watching telemundo. You told me it helps to soothe you, and you loved looking at the Latino men. Then we would spend hours reciting all the commercials we saw, together. We would try to match their passionate tones as they spoke about hair care products or batteries. This would send us into fits of giggles that would make me feel sixteen again. Somehow, you would always fall asleep first, head on my shoulder, the rise and fall of your chest mimicking my own breathing. I would wake up the next day to breakfast and you singing in the kitchen to old pop music. I can’t help but smile remembering that Tammy. Is it okay for me to smile about it?
So I was led to a corner office over with yet another great city view.The window to the view was located behind my desk. The window was floor to ceiling, wall to wall. I took my eyes off of it just long enough to see my desk. Its a huge cherry wood desk that sits in the center of the room, with a leather chair perched behind it. It took my breath away Tammy. Then there was the bookcases that line the walls to either side of the desk, already filled with books, I know that would be your favorite part. My personal favorite was the plaque on my door when you walk in. It says Samantha Abbey, Vice President of the Company, in Spanish of course. I got so excited when I saw that, the first real emotion I have felt since I have lost you.
Tammy, I wish you could have seen it. That you could have ran to sit in my chair and spin in it. That you could have pointed out male coworkers who you were sure would fall in love with me. You would talk about how we would fall in love as if it had already happened. Tell me story the way you knew it would happen. There was no other way this 'love' would occur but your way. Then you would laugh, the sound would echo in the four walls of the office and cause me to laugh too. Your laughter is just so infectious, a joke all on its own.
I don’t want to feel anything without you. I want to be just miserable, the world is not right without you. This place makes no sense now that you are nowhere to be found. Who told the world to keep spinning even though you had gotten off? Why didn't you take me with you Tammy? Why didn't my body sense that it was time for us to make our exit? We were born in the same hour, why had we not died the same? Why didn't my heart give out too? Instead it just broke, and continues to sting me as my mind plays reminders of you.
Dad called today, he told me your father is getting worse. The death of his little girl is killing him. I am so envious of him, what a terrible thing to think. It just he gets to escape this pain that clouds my mind Tammy. I see you in almost every face that passes me by. The songs, movies, books, and even the foods, everything we used to enjoy together just send me right back to that day. To those moments in your bedroom where you will always lay in my mind. To the cold feeling of your hands, and the stillness of your chest. Worst of all it would take me back to the silence, that deafening silence that still feels my ears. Your life robbed suddenly by death’s kiss and he forget to kiss me too. Why didn't you remind him Tammy? Tell him that we were a pair, that sisters should never be taken from each other, especially not without a goodbye.
I can’t lose your dad too; he is like a second father to me. How many more will be robbed from me before I give out? How much more can I take Tammy? Why must I be the strong one? Why have I always withheld my emotions in a perfect neat package that only you would peer in? Only you understood the mess that I could be, the rise and falls of my moods. That’s why you were always by my side, the only moments I remember without you are the ones after your death. It still feels so foreign to me, you not being here. I can feel myself falling apart; my edges are starting to spill the emotions I have held in all these years. I am so scared Tammy. What am I supposed to do? My hands are shaking so much; I don’t think I can keep writing. I don’t know who I am anymore Tammy. Who am I without you?
Well Tams, it was interesting speaking Spanish to all my colleagues. It's funny how the language just rolls off my tongue. I guess it must have been from the late night Spanish television you used to love to watch. I can still remember those nights, you would shout my name across the hall at 2 am. Upsetting the neighbors and waking up the whole floor. ‘Sammy I can’t sleep!’ I knew that if I didn't get out of bed we would have a riot on our hands. So I would slip on my fuzzy slipper, that you had given to me as a gift and make my way across the hall. Shutting the door on the neighbors muffled complaints to join you on the couch. I would curl up next to you and you were always watching telemundo. You told me it helps to soothe you, and you loved looking at the Latino men. Then we would spend hours reciting all the commercials we saw, together. We would try to match their passionate tones as they spoke about hair care products or batteries. This would send us into fits of giggles that would make me feel sixteen again. Somehow, you would always fall asleep first, head on my shoulder, the rise and fall of your chest mimicking my own breathing. I would wake up the next day to breakfast and you singing in the kitchen to old pop music. I can’t help but smile remembering that Tammy. Is it okay for me to smile about it?
So I was led to a corner office over with yet another great city view.The window to the view was located behind my desk. The window was floor to ceiling, wall to wall. I took my eyes off of it just long enough to see my desk. Its a huge cherry wood desk that sits in the center of the room, with a leather chair perched behind it. It took my breath away Tammy. Then there was the bookcases that line the walls to either side of the desk, already filled with books, I know that would be your favorite part. My personal favorite was the plaque on my door when you walk in. It says Samantha Abbey, Vice President of the Company, in Spanish of course. I got so excited when I saw that, the first real emotion I have felt since I have lost you.
Tammy, I wish you could have seen it. That you could have ran to sit in my chair and spin in it. That you could have pointed out male coworkers who you were sure would fall in love with me. You would talk about how we would fall in love as if it had already happened. Tell me story the way you knew it would happen. There was no other way this 'love' would occur but your way. Then you would laugh, the sound would echo in the four walls of the office and cause me to laugh too. Your laughter is just so infectious, a joke all on its own.
I don’t want to feel anything without you. I want to be just miserable, the world is not right without you. This place makes no sense now that you are nowhere to be found. Who told the world to keep spinning even though you had gotten off? Why didn't you take me with you Tammy? Why didn't my body sense that it was time for us to make our exit? We were born in the same hour, why had we not died the same? Why didn't my heart give out too? Instead it just broke, and continues to sting me as my mind plays reminders of you.
Dad called today, he told me your father is getting worse. The death of his little girl is killing him. I am so envious of him, what a terrible thing to think. It just he gets to escape this pain that clouds my mind Tammy. I see you in almost every face that passes me by. The songs, movies, books, and even the foods, everything we used to enjoy together just send me right back to that day. To those moments in your bedroom where you will always lay in my mind. To the cold feeling of your hands, and the stillness of your chest. Worst of all it would take me back to the silence, that deafening silence that still feels my ears. Your life robbed suddenly by death’s kiss and he forget to kiss me too. Why didn't you remind him Tammy? Tell him that we were a pair, that sisters should never be taken from each other, especially not without a goodbye.
I can’t lose your dad too; he is like a second father to me. How many more will be robbed from me before I give out? How much more can I take Tammy? Why must I be the strong one? Why have I always withheld my emotions in a perfect neat package that only you would peer in? Only you understood the mess that I could be, the rise and falls of my moods. That’s why you were always by my side, the only moments I remember without you are the ones after your death. It still feels so foreign to me, you not being here. I can feel myself falling apart; my edges are starting to spill the emotions I have held in all these years. I am so scared Tammy. What am I supposed to do? My hands are shaking so much; I don’t think I can keep writing. I don’t know who I am anymore Tammy. Who am I without you?