Status: Done :)
Letters to Tammy
Letter 4
I had a dream about you Tammy. It is currently 3am and I couldn't fall back to sleep after that dream. I just can’t deal with how real it felt. I woke up sobbing so hard I thought my lungs would explode. It has been seven months since your passing and I have not improved one bit. If anything this dreams proves otherwise.
We were sitting here, in my apartment in Spain; your hands were folded on your lap as you perched on the edge of my home office. You wore you favorite emerald green dress and hair bow with black satin flats. You watched me impatiently as I finished my assignment for work. . .
______________________________________________________________________________
“Samantha, hurry up!” The impatience oozed from your lips. “I want to go out today, maybe tour a museum, or oh! Go to France for the weekend!” You jumped off your perch and faced me for the last option. “Wouldn't that be great Sam? We have always wanted to go to France. Maybe you can kiss Monsieur Jean-Claude again.” You laughed at the last notion.
“Don’t be silly Tammy!” I giggled in response. “We won’t see him!”
“Oh you never know,” your eyes took on that dreamy gaze, “maybe we will and you two will be untied again by true love.”
“Oh Tammy,” I swat your arm lightly; “you are too much.”
I got up, abandoning my assignment due to writers block.
“Let’s go out to eat.”
You smiled at me and grabbed my hand, intertwined our fingers briefly before letting go.
“I am in the mood for French.” You laugh and I join in.
________________________________________________________________
It felt like it was actually happening Tams, like it was a new memory we were creating. I woke up to the painfully realization that you are gone. It was like reliving you death all over again Tammy. Like day one when I woke up expecting to see your big gray eyes staring at me. Instead I was forced to remember that moments like that will never again be. I won’t hear you make jokes, and speak about perfect romance anymore. What am I to do Tammy? How am I to cope with losing you without losing myself? I keep imagining that I will be freed in some way from the bondage of this pain but I know that it can’t be true. Who can ease the pain of 27 years worth of friendship lost? I must sound like a broken record to you, repeating the same sorrowful and pathetic sentiments, everyday for the past six and half months.
Perhaps I should do something exciting and new. Maybe get out of this house to do more then go to work. Maybe I will accept going to dinner with my coworkers after working late on a deadline for the paper. Maybe I will take myself to a book store, so I can at least get something new to read while I am home all day. The weekends are the worse, there is no work to distract me, watching the Spanish shows reminds me to much of you. I call our parents but your father is in the hospital most weekends these days, so that means they are all at his side.
I don’t want to deal with that reality and the one I am already faced with. I will admit I am saving money in case I need to fly out to see them. Maybe that’s how I will spend my next weekend, at home. In my old room which is flooded with memories of you. Just the thought makes me uneasy but I know you would want me to show my support to them. They are the people who raised us with strong family values, the values that made you so passionate about our friendship. I can’t abandon them now. I should book my ticket as we speak. I can surprise them and hopefully raise their spirits.
I know the idea would make you smile. It would be the first thing I have done since you have died, besides work. Perhaps I will have a good time, eating with our parents, reminisce about you with them, not being in my pain alone. I guess that would be a welcome change to the solitude I have lived in. Can you believe I have made not one friend while I have been here in Spain? I don’t make any sort of effort to even be social with anyone. I have become so withdrawn that I am sure it has been affecting my work. No one has said a thing to me, but I feel they may fear approaching me, they can sense the wall around me. The one I built with the pieces of our broken hearts. Yours that couldn't keep beating and mine that won’t stop.
Tammy, I have booked the ticket for next weekend. I know you will be proud at the fact that I decided not to stay coped up at home. I think I will tell them so they can get my room ready. I will talk to you later Tammy. I love you so much.
XoXo
Sammy
We were sitting here, in my apartment in Spain; your hands were folded on your lap as you perched on the edge of my home office. You wore you favorite emerald green dress and hair bow with black satin flats. You watched me impatiently as I finished my assignment for work. . .
______________________________________________________________________________
“Samantha, hurry up!” The impatience oozed from your lips. “I want to go out today, maybe tour a museum, or oh! Go to France for the weekend!” You jumped off your perch and faced me for the last option. “Wouldn't that be great Sam? We have always wanted to go to France. Maybe you can kiss Monsieur Jean-Claude again.” You laughed at the last notion.
“Don’t be silly Tammy!” I giggled in response. “We won’t see him!”
“Oh you never know,” your eyes took on that dreamy gaze, “maybe we will and you two will be untied again by true love.”
“Oh Tammy,” I swat your arm lightly; “you are too much.”
I got up, abandoning my assignment due to writers block.
“Let’s go out to eat.”
You smiled at me and grabbed my hand, intertwined our fingers briefly before letting go.
“I am in the mood for French.” You laugh and I join in.
________________________________________________________________
It felt like it was actually happening Tams, like it was a new memory we were creating. I woke up to the painfully realization that you are gone. It was like reliving you death all over again Tammy. Like day one when I woke up expecting to see your big gray eyes staring at me. Instead I was forced to remember that moments like that will never again be. I won’t hear you make jokes, and speak about perfect romance anymore. What am I to do Tammy? How am I to cope with losing you without losing myself? I keep imagining that I will be freed in some way from the bondage of this pain but I know that it can’t be true. Who can ease the pain of 27 years worth of friendship lost? I must sound like a broken record to you, repeating the same sorrowful and pathetic sentiments, everyday for the past six and half months.
Perhaps I should do something exciting and new. Maybe get out of this house to do more then go to work. Maybe I will accept going to dinner with my coworkers after working late on a deadline for the paper. Maybe I will take myself to a book store, so I can at least get something new to read while I am home all day. The weekends are the worse, there is no work to distract me, watching the Spanish shows reminds me to much of you. I call our parents but your father is in the hospital most weekends these days, so that means they are all at his side.
I don’t want to deal with that reality and the one I am already faced with. I will admit I am saving money in case I need to fly out to see them. Maybe that’s how I will spend my next weekend, at home. In my old room which is flooded with memories of you. Just the thought makes me uneasy but I know you would want me to show my support to them. They are the people who raised us with strong family values, the values that made you so passionate about our friendship. I can’t abandon them now. I should book my ticket as we speak. I can surprise them and hopefully raise their spirits.
I know the idea would make you smile. It would be the first thing I have done since you have died, besides work. Perhaps I will have a good time, eating with our parents, reminisce about you with them, not being in my pain alone. I guess that would be a welcome change to the solitude I have lived in. Can you believe I have made not one friend while I have been here in Spain? I don’t make any sort of effort to even be social with anyone. I have become so withdrawn that I am sure it has been affecting my work. No one has said a thing to me, but I feel they may fear approaching me, they can sense the wall around me. The one I built with the pieces of our broken hearts. Yours that couldn't keep beating and mine that won’t stop.
Tammy, I have booked the ticket for next weekend. I know you will be proud at the fact that I decided not to stay coped up at home. I think I will tell them so they can get my room ready. I will talk to you later Tammy. I love you so much.
XoXo
Sammy