Status: Done :)
Letters to Tammy
Letter 6
Tammy, you will not believe what happened to me today! Well, today being you anniversary I cried at work. To make matters worse it was in the middle of an appointment with a potential vendor of an accounting firm. If that didn't make you cringe I know this will, he was gorgeous! I was mortified to be so unprofessional with him! I even told him that he was good looking and could be a model. I am blushing at the ridiculousness of it all. It was so unlike me Tammy. Let me explain how he looks Tammy, then you will understand why I acted the way I did. Well better yet let me tell you who he looks like, William Levy. The same bedroom eyes, but the color a liquid blue. The same hairstyle and muscle tone, which was still noticeable through his three piece suit. If I could notice his looks through my grief ridden emotions then imagine if I was in a better state of mind.
When he shook my hand, I felt so alive, just for that brief moment. It was as if whatever keeps him going momentarily shot up through my body from the touching of our skin. It was so strange Tammy, like nothing I have ever felt. It faded as quickly as it came, and the grief settled back into its place; blanketing over me, dulling my senses, causing the colors to fade, sounds to diminish in quality. It is as if the whole world is being seen through a poor quality lens.
This whole year has been a blur of empty and dull memories. One day blending into another with the exception of the few trips I have taken back home. Nothing is special enough to make me say ‘wow, what a year.’ Can you believe 365 have passed since I last saw you? 365 days since we last slept side by side on my cramped up day bed before you slipped out to your own apartment that night. Every day I get so afraid that your facial features will get hazy in my mind. Or that I will forget the exact tune of your laughter. What if I can no longer recall how your voice strained when you were angry? Or the tell on your face when you were covering up for us? What if I can no longer call to mind, correctly, your best mom impressions? What if I won’t be able to remember the smell of your hair? So many what ifs Tammy, I could write them for eternity and still not get over my anxiety.
It is one thing to lose you here by my side physically, it another thing entirely to lose you in my mind as well. That is my newest fear, to lose the final and only pieces which I have left of you. I fear having you erased completely and being left with nothing but a notion that something in my life is missing. As if I was looking at a scar and couldn't remember the story behind it. Nothing could be worse than that. I have already lost you but I can’t lose all of you.
I guess we should focus on the small good that occurred today. Dad called me, Father has finally fully recovered. He is a healthy weight again and they say he should live a long life. I am so thrilled Tammy, I wish I could adequately express the joy that the news gave me. I felt as if it was a good turning point. Perhaps things will get better for me Tammy, that way I can live twice as much, for myself and for you. I will love twice as deeply, laugh twice as hard, cry twice as much; I will live for us both. I can do that much for you. I promise to do that much for you. I just need to get over the pain, fear, anxiety, and the fierce desire to be alone. But when will that be?
Always Yours,
Samantha
When he shook my hand, I felt so alive, just for that brief moment. It was as if whatever keeps him going momentarily shot up through my body from the touching of our skin. It was so strange Tammy, like nothing I have ever felt. It faded as quickly as it came, and the grief settled back into its place; blanketing over me, dulling my senses, causing the colors to fade, sounds to diminish in quality. It is as if the whole world is being seen through a poor quality lens.
This whole year has been a blur of empty and dull memories. One day blending into another with the exception of the few trips I have taken back home. Nothing is special enough to make me say ‘wow, what a year.’ Can you believe 365 have passed since I last saw you? 365 days since we last slept side by side on my cramped up day bed before you slipped out to your own apartment that night. Every day I get so afraid that your facial features will get hazy in my mind. Or that I will forget the exact tune of your laughter. What if I can no longer recall how your voice strained when you were angry? Or the tell on your face when you were covering up for us? What if I can no longer call to mind, correctly, your best mom impressions? What if I won’t be able to remember the smell of your hair? So many what ifs Tammy, I could write them for eternity and still not get over my anxiety.
It is one thing to lose you here by my side physically, it another thing entirely to lose you in my mind as well. That is my newest fear, to lose the final and only pieces which I have left of you. I fear having you erased completely and being left with nothing but a notion that something in my life is missing. As if I was looking at a scar and couldn't remember the story behind it. Nothing could be worse than that. I have already lost you but I can’t lose all of you.
I guess we should focus on the small good that occurred today. Dad called me, Father has finally fully recovered. He is a healthy weight again and they say he should live a long life. I am so thrilled Tammy, I wish I could adequately express the joy that the news gave me. I felt as if it was a good turning point. Perhaps things will get better for me Tammy, that way I can live twice as much, for myself and for you. I will love twice as deeply, laugh twice as hard, cry twice as much; I will live for us both. I can do that much for you. I promise to do that much for you. I just need to get over the pain, fear, anxiety, and the fierce desire to be alone. But when will that be?
Always Yours,
Samantha