Letters to Tammy

Tammy, I met Alejandro six months ago and his smile is an ever haunting presence in my mind. I want so dearly to get to know him and connect with him on a level that requires us to be outside of an office. I wait for the once a month visits he pays to my office. I feel so silly and frustrated with the wave of emotions his presence brings on. In the few moments I spend with him I forget to be sad about you. But he is almost a complete stranger to me. I know this has to be purely about how he looks on paper. He is good looking, successful, ambitious, smart, and tall. Okay, so being tall is superficial, but you know I am a sucker for a man with great height. In the moments when his hands brushes against mine everything is so vivid, so clear. Its like he absorbed all the sadness I felt. It is such a strange occurrence that I something I feel that I must be imagined.

Tammy, I feel like I am losing my grip around him, like if he took the time of day out for me, I could. . . No I feel too silly to write Tammy. I am just so unsure about what is happening here. You were always the one to explain these things to me. I can hear you now, go for it Sammy you would say. I would argue with you about him being a coworker. You would say not really, and then remind me that it isn't necessary for him to show up at my office once a month. I would shrug you off, but you would persist until I admitted to having a crush on him. So there it is I have a crush on him Tammy. I get those butterflies I felt with Claude, and the antsy feeling I got with Jason.

Do you remember Jason? How a few months after Claude left you introduced us with a sly smile on your face? His soft brown curls, sweet boyish smile, his emerald green eyes, he was tall too. You knew that he was too cute for me to turn down forever and sure enough seven months later you saw us kissing in the hallway. You were so happy, your career as my match maker had begun, and ended. Jason and I dated through our last two years of high school and well into our first months of freedom after college graduation. You threw us the very best engagement party a girl could have. We both landed the job at the paper and two weeks later he was dead. Bullet lodged in his head from a robbery gone wrong. You held me when the blow of his death knocked me off my feet. That’s when things got worse for me, when I closed myself off to all but you. When I forced work to take the place Jason had left in my heart.

That was the first time death had swooped into my life and stole someone who meant more than life itself to me. Death’s next trip to my life would take you. I still have the ring Jason gave my around my neck. Do you remember when you placed it on a gold chain for me and told me to wear it close to my heart? I haven’t taken it off, almost seven years later it’s still on my neck. He has been dead longer then we were together. I placed your favorite ring next to it after your death. Sometimes when I think of Jason it still hurts. I feel the pain stab slightly at my heart when someone mentions his name. Now the pain has increased because the loss of you.

Here I am all gaga over some guy when he has no idea the weight of the pain I carry. He doesn't know how much it hurts to breathe sometimes. I feel so stupid, even playing with the notion of this guy. I am so sorry Tammy; I shouldn't have even brought him up to you. It was a waste of time and paper. I should have told you about my raise, or the car I got, or even the new dress Mother sent me last week. Maybe even the new book I started to read. Anything would have been less foolish then talking about Alejandro, a man who probably only sees me as a business partner and nothing more. And yet . . . Well goodnight Tammy, I have an early start tomorrow.

Love Always,
Sammy