Status: Done :)
Letters to Tammy
Letter 8
Tammy, I want to share with you what happened today. I am not sure if you will be as shocked by these events as I am but I know my behavior will surprise you. I never suspected this day to end up like this, for this day to have such a positive outcome. So this is how my day went:
He sat across my desk, stroking my finger tips. I was shocked that he came to the office on a Saturday; I wondered how he knew to find me here. I stared into his blue eyes and something in me stirred. I wasn't sure what got into me, maybe it was a side effect from the pills I take to deal with the grief. The shrink said they are supposed to help, but I only take them on unbearable days like today. He found me in my office in crying my eyes out, curled up in a ball in the threshold my office. Alejandro picked me up and carried me into my office. He sat me on my chair and held me as I cried. I felt so embarrassed but I couldn't stop the tears.
What triggered this grief was a simple hair bow that found its way into my home somehow. It had strands of your hair, caught in the clasp. I picked it up and pressed it against my face. I wanted to have it close to me, so I could have you close to me. I could smell scent of your shampoo filling my nostrils nostalgia hitting me like a ton of bricks. I ran blindly out of my apartment, barely remembering to close the door behind me. I had to get far away for the emptiness that scent filled me with. I ended up in my office, pills in my blood stream, in the position that Alejandro found me in.
When I calmed down I stayed in Alejandro’s lap, clutching to his shirt. He was stroking my hair, mumbling Spanish words under his breath. I felt a peace wash over me and I fell asleep in his arms. I was embarrassed to awaken in his arms, the haze of the grief and the medication gone. I was left only with the strange comfort of being held again. I pulled myself up and he sat across from me and reached for my fingertips. I knew I would have to explain what just happened. I couldn't leave it as it was. So I told him everything, I bubbled forth with memories of you, and of Jason. I told him the reasons for my hard shell and sterile ways. Once I started talking I couldn't stop, I kept spilling things, everything I would have only once only revealed to you. All the emotions I held in for the past year and eight months exploding in the air, filling this perfect stranger’s ear. He listened to me for four hours Tammy, four straight hours of me releasing what I thought I would always hold onto.
I think what surprised me most was his reaction, he smiled and looked relived. He admitted that he had felt drawn to me since day one and had been trying to get passed my outer exterior. He told me he didn't want me to stop there; he wanted to know everything about me. That made me cry again, this man has feeling for me Tammy. He sees me broken, a wreck and yet he thinks I am beautiful and worth his time. He kissed me, gently causing the tears to cease an emotion long dead to fill me. Hope. I was filled with hope for tomorrow, with hope for love, with hope for healing. All those forms of hope, from one little kiss from this kind man, who was willing to help me, hope again. He took me home Tammy, made sure I ate, cleaned up my house and left me smiling.
How could this have happened Tammy? How could I leave myself exposed to such feelings? There is no going back from here, I can feel it. Despite the control I have displayed these past months with me seeing him constantly, a small piece of my heart has latched onto him. I am scared Tammy, what am I doing? I am too old and too broken to start over. Am I being foolish to think I have a chance at love again? I know you would want me to take the chance. I can hear you rooting me on, cheering for me to pick myself and give Alejandro the opportunity to really get through this wall of grief. Tammy, I want you to know that I feel like I need to give him that much. I really want to feel butterflies again, to blush again, to be loved and feel beautiful.
I am smiling Tammy. I have a goofy grin on my face from that kiss. I am so grateful for the kind gesture of him lending a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. He cleaned my house Tammy, who does that for a person who they barely know? Who wants to be with a girl like me, who knows true loves kiss, who knows grief intimately? Tammy, I feel like I could be happy again. I could actually be happy again.
Hopeful,
Sammy
He sat across my desk, stroking my finger tips. I was shocked that he came to the office on a Saturday; I wondered how he knew to find me here. I stared into his blue eyes and something in me stirred. I wasn't sure what got into me, maybe it was a side effect from the pills I take to deal with the grief. The shrink said they are supposed to help, but I only take them on unbearable days like today. He found me in my office in crying my eyes out, curled up in a ball in the threshold my office. Alejandro picked me up and carried me into my office. He sat me on my chair and held me as I cried. I felt so embarrassed but I couldn't stop the tears.
What triggered this grief was a simple hair bow that found its way into my home somehow. It had strands of your hair, caught in the clasp. I picked it up and pressed it against my face. I wanted to have it close to me, so I could have you close to me. I could smell scent of your shampoo filling my nostrils nostalgia hitting me like a ton of bricks. I ran blindly out of my apartment, barely remembering to close the door behind me. I had to get far away for the emptiness that scent filled me with. I ended up in my office, pills in my blood stream, in the position that Alejandro found me in.
When I calmed down I stayed in Alejandro’s lap, clutching to his shirt. He was stroking my hair, mumbling Spanish words under his breath. I felt a peace wash over me and I fell asleep in his arms. I was embarrassed to awaken in his arms, the haze of the grief and the medication gone. I was left only with the strange comfort of being held again. I pulled myself up and he sat across from me and reached for my fingertips. I knew I would have to explain what just happened. I couldn't leave it as it was. So I told him everything, I bubbled forth with memories of you, and of Jason. I told him the reasons for my hard shell and sterile ways. Once I started talking I couldn't stop, I kept spilling things, everything I would have only once only revealed to you. All the emotions I held in for the past year and eight months exploding in the air, filling this perfect stranger’s ear. He listened to me for four hours Tammy, four straight hours of me releasing what I thought I would always hold onto.
I think what surprised me most was his reaction, he smiled and looked relived. He admitted that he had felt drawn to me since day one and had been trying to get passed my outer exterior. He told me he didn't want me to stop there; he wanted to know everything about me. That made me cry again, this man has feeling for me Tammy. He sees me broken, a wreck and yet he thinks I am beautiful and worth his time. He kissed me, gently causing the tears to cease an emotion long dead to fill me. Hope. I was filled with hope for tomorrow, with hope for love, with hope for healing. All those forms of hope, from one little kiss from this kind man, who was willing to help me, hope again. He took me home Tammy, made sure I ate, cleaned up my house and left me smiling.
How could this have happened Tammy? How could I leave myself exposed to such feelings? There is no going back from here, I can feel it. Despite the control I have displayed these past months with me seeing him constantly, a small piece of my heart has latched onto him. I am scared Tammy, what am I doing? I am too old and too broken to start over. Am I being foolish to think I have a chance at love again? I know you would want me to take the chance. I can hear you rooting me on, cheering for me to pick myself and give Alejandro the opportunity to really get through this wall of grief. Tammy, I want you to know that I feel like I need to give him that much. I really want to feel butterflies again, to blush again, to be loved and feel beautiful.
I am smiling Tammy. I have a goofy grin on my face from that kiss. I am so grateful for the kind gesture of him lending a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. He cleaned my house Tammy, who does that for a person who they barely know? Who wants to be with a girl like me, who knows true loves kiss, who knows grief intimately? Tammy, I feel like I could be happy again. I could actually be happy again.
Hopeful,
Sammy