Between Love and Hate.

Things were really strange through the week. Felix had more or less left me alone and it terrified me.

Science was the first period of Friday and as I walked in – late – Felix’s eye bore into me.

“Miss Botwin” I winced as my plans to sneak all the way to my chair had failed. “You know the drill. Half hour after school” He turned from the board and pulled a yellow slip from the drawer in his desk. I took it and pouted. It was Friday, I wanted to be free at exactly three o’clock.

“Hey” Larissa was my closest friend here. She seemed to be the only one that understood that I was just quiet all the time. Well, not with her.

“Morning” I whispered back, taking me seat at our lab desk.

“What’s your curfew tonight?” she asked and began to comb her fingers through her gorgeous honey blonde hair.

“Eleven” I ignored the little balls of paper hitting the back of my head.

“Quit it” Larissa turned and picked up one of the balls, throwing it at Felix’ face.

He laughed and dodged it, making some hushed comment on our ‘monthly gifts’. I watched him from the corner of my eye. “Why?”

“Well I was thinking we could tell your mum that you’re at mine and vice versa” She opened her notebook on a page with an address on it. “There’s a party tonight and Russell invited us”

Ah, Russell. He was that guy who clutched onto the edge of the popular circle. He was always sharing little looks with Larissa and somehow, this time, plucked up the courage to actually ask her out. Kind off. “That would be okay” I shrugged. “Although the way my mum is acting at the moment I’d be surprised if she doesn’t send me out with condoms and a manual for the male anatomy”

“Still wants you to date?” She winced. “What did she do now?”

I stared at the tiny paper airplane that landed between us and picked it up, playing with the pointed end as we spoke. I could see it was a note but damn if I’m getting caught with a note when I’ve already got a yellow card.

“Well I had Mr. Sunshine over here” I tilted my head back to Felix “Over my house to - quote, un-quote – check on me”

Larissa stifled and laugh and looked back at him. “I don’t know why you don’t just do it”

“Not this again” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes this again” I nudged her when her voice hit audible to anyone but us. “I mean it. I read is this magazine that people vent their sexual frustrations in different ways” She began. She had a theory that Felix was about to confess his un-dying love for me and once said something about Vegas...?

“So his way” I paused when another ball of paper hit the back of my head. “Is to irritate me to no end?” I picked up one of the balls and threw it square in his face. He tried to dodge it and in the process, leaned back too far and hit the ground with a thump. I gasped and turned around, just in time to see the Red slip come out of the drawer.

“Oh come on!” I complained, gesturing at the many, many balled up papers around my desk. Mr. Stevenson gave me a look and the one Red slip split into two as he handed one to me and one to Felix.

“My ass” he hopped back onto his seat and took the red slip. Both of us handed back the yellows we had acquired through the day. “It’s broken”

When the bell rang for second period I said goodbye to Larissa, we had no more classes together and had made our plans for tricking both of our parents. I also still have that paper plane in my hand and unfolded it as I wandered through the hallway. It was written in chicken scratch.

“Wear something short tonight” it simply read. I frowned and put it in the next paper bin I saw.

That was a point. What was I going to wear?

Detention drew out like I thought I would. I had finished my homework for the day and was now staring at the clock. Three minutes to go. I was sat right behind Felix and noticed some things I didn’t last weekend. Maybe they weren’t there then? There was four little bruises on the left side of the back of his neck. I think from a hand. I wanted to reach out and touch then, and sooth them but my hands stayed folded on my lap. I couldn’t get it out of my head. The fact that Felix maybe wanted to have sex with me. He could have anyone.

That was it. I was the only girl who didn’t want him.

I was the only one who would resist him. I was a freaking challenge.

Well played, Felix. Well played.

Out of nowhere I felt something inside of me wake up and yawn deeply. I felt like I wanted to play this game. I wanted to shock him. I wanted to be the one leaving him speechless. So as the teacher turned to stare at the second hand of the clock I started typing out a message to Larissa on my phone.

‘We need to hit the makeup counter. And I need a new outfit’ I wrote.

‘Finally!’ she replied, just as the bell rang and it didn’t take me long before I was hurling out of the double doors and making my way to the car. I was going to slap that trade mark smirk off of his face.

After spending a considerable amount of money, I had a new navy blue mini dress and a pair of black wedge heals. I had been given a make over by the girl at the MAC counter and bought a hand full of products. We were on our way back to Larissa’s to get ourselves ready before her parents came home.

And boy did we get ready. My hair looked amazing after she had finished back combing and spraying a bottle of hair spray on it. I had managed to keep my makeup in tact and I was also teetering in my new high heals.

“Come on, its almost eight” She said, putting the finishing touches on her own hair. We both drank up the last dregs of the Jack Daniels I had shared with Felix the other night and headed for the door. These things were difficult to walk in.

“You look amazing” Larissa lit a cigarette as we parked up outside the address. I was nervous as hell. What were people going to say?

“Thanks, you do too” I lit my own and took off my seat belt. One step closer to actually getting out of the car. “I don’t know about this”

“Is it Felix?”

I choked on the smoke in my throat. “What is your obsession with him?” Nice cover, Lauren.

She held up her hands and shrugged. “I was just thinking, he is probably going to be here. Maybe tonight is the night he will stop giving you grief and start giving you his dick”

“Larissa” I laughed, shaking my head. “And what about Russell? Are you going to sneak away with him?”

She patted her finger on the side of her nose. “A lady never tells”

“I’ll remind you of that tomorrow when you try to give me all the gory details”

Hours had passed and I realized this was a big mistake. It was getting close to midnight and I couldn’t see Larissa anywhere. I hadn’t seen her in a long while but with drinking and talking to people I had never met before, I hadn’t really noticed. After a rather long wait in line for a minute long bathroom trip, I decided I would have one more drink before I started to look through the occupied bedrooms. Surely that was enough time for them to finish up?

“Hey! Lauren, right?”

A guy called Liam was pointing and waving his hand for me to come over. He was just outside the back door with the rest of the stoners. “Hi” I smiled and walked over. I hated the smell of that stuff.

“You want some?” He held the plume of smoke in his lungs as he spoke.

I scrunched my nose up and shook my head. “I’m more of a liquid girl” I looked over at the keg just past him.

“Oh, let me” He took a cup out of the pile and filled it, doing one for himself after passing it over. “You having fun?”

“Yeah” I smiled. “Although I would be doing better if I knew where my ride was” I looked around for effect.

“Checked upstairs? A few couples have gone up there” He stepped inside, passing the joint to his friends.

“Not yet. I suspect she’s up there but...” I shook my head. “I don’t want that image scarred into my eyes”

He laughed and bought me through to the dining room. “I’ll come check with you soon. We don’t talk much at school” He pointed out.

I shrugged. “I keep my head down... I cant wait for it to be over”

“Nah” He smiled wider. “Best years of your life and all that?” He pulled a little baggy from the small pocket in his jeans. It had a few off-white pills in it. “So I know you don’t smoke bud but... ever tried these?”

I took the baggy from him and inspected them. “x?” I asked and passed it back.

“Gets you happy. Makes you want to dance”

I half smiled. “I don’t know...” The voice inside me was telling me to knock one back, to have a good night, Dance until the sun comes up. “Is it safe?”

“Tell you what” He took one out and bit it in half. “Do half, see how you feel in a half hour and then tell me if you want more”

I took the half off of him and only thought about it for a second before I put it in my mouth and used the beer to wash it back. “Okay, it’s done”

“That’s my girl!” He cheered and ‘clinked’ his plastic cup with mine before washing back his own half.

What happened next was all a bit of a blur. There was waiting and drinking, there was talking and laughing, there was definitely dancing and I had noticed that my shoes were gone at around 3am.

“Liam” I mumbled, holding out my bag. “Can you find my phone?”

“Yeah” He fished around in it until he pulled out the blessed object. Man my head was so fuzzy but I felt so good. I managed to type out a message, or at least I hoped I had, to Larissa asking where she was. It was then I realized that we hadn’t seen each other since ten o’clock and it was now three.

She wasn’t going to be here.

“I should go home” I suddenly blurted out, feeling confident enough to take the journey.

“Wait, don’t walk home” He laughed, grabbing my hips as I tried to walk away. “Stay till your heads straight and then go, when its daylight”

“Nah, I have to go” I said and pushed his hands off of me. “Where are my shoes?”

That’s the last thing I remember saying in the house and a huge section of my night was completely missing. I found myself sitting on a grass verge near a crossroads. I had no idea where I was and I was beyond freezing. I stood and felt my heart race.

The drugs had worn off and left me feeling sick and exhausted. My feet were cut and were filthy and my make up must have been all over my face. I reached into my bag to check my phone but found it with no battery what so ever.

“fuck!” I shouted, hugging my own torso as I decided to pick a road. I told myself I would walk for a mile and if I didn’t recognize anything I would take the other side. Surely I could wave down a car somewhere and ask for directions. The sun was just about coming up and I was praying for a warm morning.

I was close to giving up when I could see a car in the distance. Their headlights were off and it was speeding so I was in two minds about waving them down like a crazy person. What choice did I have though. Under no circumstances would I get in the car with a stranger.

I waved my hand and put on my most desperate face but the owner did not slow down at all. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t stop for a filthy staggering person at this time of day either.

The car suddenly screeched to a halt a few meters behind me and began to reverse. I stopped and leaned down to look into the window. There were four men in the car, but most importantly, Felix was sitting in the passenger seat.

“The fuck?!” He frowned, opening the door and getting out. “What are you doing? You crazy bitch”

“I don’t know” my voice shook, maybe from the cold but most likely because I was so happy for a familiar face. “I took something, I wanted to go home... I have no idea where I am” I laughed a little wiping my eyes before a tear could fall.

“Shit” He laughed and shrugged off his coat. “Well you’re a long way away. And walking in the wrong direction” He put his coat around my shoulders, which shocked me more than anything. “Drew was giving me a lift back anyway, hop in”

I opened the back door and the two in the back seat who I recognized from various classes shuffled up to accommodate me.

Peter looked as bad as I felt. “Where are your shoes?” He asked and looked between my feet and my face. “You’re not wearing shoes”

“With my coat probably. At the party”

“You left them there?” He leaned forward. “Lets get the shoes!”

“No” I smiled a bit. “Leave them, they’re collateral damage”

“Collateral my ass” The driver spoke and to my relief seemed quite sober. “Were going past there anyway, At Rhyan’s right?”

“Yeah” I looked into the side mirror and saw Felix staring back. He looked angry and I didn’t like it.

“Who gave you drugs?” He asked, not looking away.

“Um... Liam?” I shrugged. “I’m trying to piece some shit together to be honest”

“Liam O’Connor?” He raised an eyebrow. “That asshole”

The rest of the guys laughed and it was only when the car pulled up that I realized Larissa’s car was no where to be seen. I could have solved this issue before it became one if I had just looked outside. Still, I was pissed at her.

“You coming?” Peter asked as he shuffled out of the car. I shook my head. “Can I stay here?”

“Yeah” Felix stepped out and passed a cigarette my way. “I think you should”

I took it and held it between my fingers as they walked up the long path to the house, it looked as if the party was still going, or at least it was only just stating to wind down. I found my lighter and lit it up. The nicotine coursed through my veins immediately and gave me that hug that I felt like I needed all night. I opened the door and touched my sore feet to the cold concrete ground. It felt good. What I wouldn’t give to be in my comfy clothes and in my comfy bed. But I couldn’t go home, my mother would ground me for life.

I finished the cigarette just as the guys were leaving the house. Peter was waving two familiar shoes around above his head and was running as fast as his drunk legs would carry him. “I got the shoes!” He yelled, diving for the open door. I gave a load cry as I was sure he had killed off any chance of me reproducing when his knee dug into my stomach.

“Thank you” I caught my breath and then noticed that Felix was calmly carryin my coat over his shoulder, an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth, while the driver and the other passenger were both struggling with a keg each and yelling for someone to open the trunk.

“You were only supposed to get my things!” I whispered harshly, running to the back to pop the trunk. They piled the two kegs in, just as a few angry boys yelled out of the house.

“Go! Go! Go!” The driver shouted, amused. I just about closed the door when we wheel span off and away from the house.

On returning back to Felix’s house, I noticed that his knuckles were bloody and sore. “What happened?” I asked quietly.

“Taught some prick a lesson” He answered simply. “You staying? I’m sure your mum wont appreciate you turning up like this”

His voice was hoarse. “Thanks” I smiled slightly, waving off the car that had been my taxi and a getaway vehicle.

“You want to shower too?” He dropped his arm over my shoulders and hung his head back a little as we walked up the porch to the front door.

I felt so strange, why was he being so nice? He either had something up his sleeve or had upped his game. “Yeah that would be great”

“Dad’s not home till Sunday” he clarified when I walked in silently. “You want a drink?”

Strangely, yes. “You have anything strong?” I joked.

“Sure” He smiled slightly, genuinely. “Go get a shower, I’ll get you a drink” he took two glasses down from the cabinet. “And put the dress back on after” he called as I walked up the stairs.