Dirty Work

Jack finally got released from the hospital but the second we were alone together in my car on the way home, all hell broke lose. I don't quite know what triggered it but all of sudden we were yelling at each other. I parked off to the side of the road so we could talk. Which was good since we both got very animated and I got out of the car to separate the two of us for a moment. There was no reason for what had just happened. Nothing. We were fighting over absolutely nothing. When I got back in, we both stayed silent and I figured we were done now. I pulled away from the shoulder of the road and headed home. We remained that way the entire trip and didn't speak to each other again for the rest of the night. Everyone knew something had happened, but no one dared to ask. Hell, I wouldn't know what to say if they did. Which was new and I strongly disliked it. We decided it was best if we saw other people and try to focus mainly on the band, especially since we were set to go on Warped soon.
I was still upset five days later and since it was a Friday night, I decided to leave for awhile to go to a party. I met this girl, who had come to a few of our shows and was a fan, while at the party and I was so desperate to get with her. I finally got her to agree and we disappeared into one of the bedrooms. I had to tell her so many things just to get her to come with me. It was a fun night and I enjoyed the time spent with her but I had to leave the next morning to head to our first show. I woke up, quickly and quietly got dressed and left a note. "I'm sorry but I had to go. I'll keep in touch. -Alex" I felt bad leaving her there with a note but I really needed to go and I didn't want to wake her up. I headed to Rian's house where we were all meeting up. We got all our gear packed in and then crammed all of us into the van. We got busy pretty quickly so I never got a chance to call Jasey. We got back about a month and a half later and I ran into Jasey at the grocery store.
"Hey, Alex!"
"Hm? Oh, hey."
"How was the tour?"
"Good, extremely busy and tiring."
"Aw, at least you're getting your name out there though. So, uh, do you want to, maybe, go out tomorrow night?"
"Uh, I can't. I actually have plans already."
"Oh, okay.. Well, just let me know what day would be good for you then.. I really like you and I haven't felt this strongly for someone in so long..."
"I... Oh fuck.."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm so sorry Jasey. I'm such an asshole.."
"I'm not following..."
"Jasey, I.. The other night, I said a ton of things..."
"Yeah, you told me how you loved me and how we're gonna take on the world together. Wait.. You did mean those things, right?"
"That's just the thing..."
"Alex, you meant that, right?"
"Please just listen for a moment.."
"Alex. You didn't lie to me.. Did you?"
"I'm so fucking sorry. I.. I said all of those things just so I could take advantage of you.."
"Wow. Just.... Wow."
"I know it was a really low thing to do.. I was desperate and drunk and just an outright dick. I'm sorry for using you. I don't expect you to forgive me, I won't even forgive myself. I just.. I dunno.."
"So I was just a one night stand? Just some girl you saw and decided to use to get sex, just so you could get up and leave? Wow. That's a big confidence boost for me. Thanks a lot. And to think I actually did have feelings for you... Wow."
"I know.. I'm sorry... I was an asshole and I shouldn't have done it."
"Whatever."
And with that I watched Jasey walk away from me. I had done something I'd never thought I would do. I led her on just to slam the door in her face. I'd never gone that low before and I know I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. I bought the things I came for and when I got home, all the guys were there waiting for me. We were gonna go jam and try to write some new material. I already had an idea for a song and needed to sit and write for a little so I just walked by all of them, went to my room and shut the door. Rian knocked on the door and then slowly opened it. I was already fast at hand with the chorus so I didn't look at him. Zack and Jack eventually made their way into the room and all three of them sat on my bed. I finally looked up at them and started singing the lyrics to the melody I'd created in my head on the way home.
"Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head now keep my fingers from making mistakes. Tell my voice what it takes, to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.
Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey. Say you'll mean it. You're dressed to kill, I'm calling you out, don't waste your time on me."
Rian was the first to speak, "Did you seriously just come up with that right now?"
"Yeah. I.. I messed up and on the way home I started thinking and then I wanted to tell this story. I shouldn't have done what I did and this is my way of asking her to understand, not to forgive me, because its not really forgivable, just to understand."
Jack finally spoke to me for the first time
since we'd come home, "What'd you do?"
I'm pretty sure by the look in his eyes he knew he didn't really want to know but he'd asked the question everyone was thinking.
"I went to a party the Friday before the tour and I used a girl. It was fucked up and low of me but I did it and I feel terrible about it now..."
"Oh..." Jack quickly looked away and the other guys shifted their weight since it had gotten kind of awkward. Since I didn't have anything else to say at the moment I turned around and wrote more since an idea just popped into my head. After an hour, Zack and Jack left to go get dinner and Rian stayed in my room. I hadn't spoken since I'd shown them the beginning which was almost two hours ago and I finally decided I had the song in decent enough shape to share. When I got up suddenly, Rian perked up and watched me as I grabbed my guitar and started coming up with basic chords. I waited for them to get back before I showed anyone the song. When they walked in, without skipping a beat, I started strumming and singing.
"Lights out, I still hear the rain. These images that fill my head, now keep my fingers from making mistakes. Tell my voice what it takes to speak up, speak up, and keep my conscience clean when I wake.
Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey. Say you'll mean it. You're dressed to kill. I'm calling you out. Don't waste your time on me.
Now there's an aching in my back; a stabbing pain that says I lack the common sense and confidence to bring an end to promises that I make in times of desperate conversation. Hoping my night could be better than theirs in the end. Just say when.
Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it, Jasey. Say you'll mean it. You're dressed to kill. I'm calling you out. Don't waste your time on me.
I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar. I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire. I've never lit a match, with intent to start a fire, but recently the flames are getting out of control.
Call me a name. Kill me with words. Forget about me. It's what I deserve. I was your chance to get out of this town, but I ditched the car and left you to wait outside. I hope the air will serve to remind you, that my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath, and my words are as timed as the beating in my chest."
"That's pretty damn good for two hours work."
"Thanks, Ri."
Rian then added, "I'm excited for this first album now. If we can make this kind of stuff, we should be able to go somewhere with this band."
"Can you imagine what it will sound like once we add in another guitar, a bass, and drums?" Zack interjected.
I hadn't thought about that but I'm pretty sure the fact that I fucked up and used that experience to help the band, we really were going somewhere. If any good could come out of this situation, it would have to come from using it as fuel. I was super stoked since we'd finally had our first taste of where we really want to be while on Vans Warped Tour and a rep from Hopeless records wants to sign us so we'd have a bigger named label to work with. Now to deal with guilt and stress while getting work done. I dunno how well this will go...