Zombie preparation and Defense

Fencing swords

Essentially a foil or a rapier, these swords came into popularity after advances in firearm technology made heavy weapons and armor obsolete. To anyone who has seen a fencing match, you'll know just how fast these things can be. However, these swords are absolutely horrible to use against zombies. First off, IF you can find a fencers sword, it will be blunt and filled with wiring. (For competition, many are wired for electronic score-keeping; these include competition foils, epees, and sabers. It would be easy to tell the difference between a well-known and easily recognized sporting good and a surplus antique or faithful reproduction) They lack the power or weight to sever bone, the weight to crush a skull, and the stabbing and slashing motions it was designed for will have little to no effect on your undead attacker. The only possible killing strategy would be to stab a zombie through the eye followed by an agile twirling motion to scramble the brain like an egg. Even master fencers will find this maneuver next to impossible - there is only one recorded successful in the field. The length of the rapier will make it difficult to draw in close spaces as well.

Spear

"PERSIANS! Come and get them!" -- King Leonidas, Battle of A Basic Spear. Thermopylae
The spear is one of the most basic of human weapons. Spears with flint heads were first used by Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man over 10,000 years ago, and were later used to great effect by Greek and Roman infantry in the classical age. Today, most spears are relegated to ceremonial roles, or are used by indigenous tribes in remote corners of the world.

The spear offers a great range advantage over other melee weapons, with some exceeding seven to eight feet, and they are as easy to create as sharpening a broom handle or duct-taping a sharp object to the end of one. However, one can only stab with a spear, and once a zombie closes in, the spear becomes less effective. Most spears are metal tipped with a wood shaft, metal or plastic is not advised. The only practical ways to kill a zombie with a spear are penetration through the eye socket, or under the jaw, into the brain. These are still very difficult thrusts. Where the spear excels isn't as a zombie killer, but controller. Spears with attached crossguards can neutralize a zombie at a safe distance. A line of infantry wielding spears that disallow the zombie forward advancement can neutralize many zombies while another survivor could terminate the incapacitated zombies safely, and quickly.

Throwing a spear like a javelin is not advised, as it is nearly impossible to hit a target as small as a human head. Groups with spears can greatly multiply the melee effectiveness of their group, as they can impale and detain a zombie, while another can focus on the kill, especially when using Boar spears, which have a cross piece part way up the shaft to prevent the zombie from continuing towards you. Two recommended varieties from antiquity are the Greek Dory and the Japanese Yari. The spear tips on these are nearly a foot or two long, and are bladed on either end, giving one more slashing options in a fight (although it still takes some skill to pull off a decapitation). In addition, the Yari's bladed cross section not only aids in decapitation
(thrust into the throat and keep pushing), it also allows one to better push back approaching ghouls and keep them from working themselves up the shaft. The Dory as used by Greek Hoplites has a knob at the end which is used as a blunt-force weapon, though most spears have these to counterbalance the weight.

Halberds and Pole Blades

Bills, voulges, pikes and Jis essentially fall into the Halberd category, just in different shapes. A halberd is a combination of a spear and a poleaxe, with a long sharp point on the top, a curving blade on one side and any number of hooks, spikes, or blunted edges. The halberd was originally a preening tool adapted for use against armored horsemen, with the numerous pointy ends designed to catch a rider’s cloak and drag him to the ground, the ax blade, spikes and spear tip for puncturing through plate armor and chain mail, and the curving edges and hooks designed to pry and cut off armor plates like a can opener. When used on an unarmored head, the halberd can easily bash open a skull and decapitate. Obviously, this makes it sound attractive as an anti-zombie weapon, but keep in mind that any hooks and spikes could get stuck in a zombie’s skull or snagged on one’s clothing, and it shares the same disadvantages in enclosed spaces as all pole weapons. The halberd can also be used to cut fruit off trees and move certain objects around high places. Combining the cutting power of a curved sword with the reach of a spear, the Pole Blades are highly recommended if you are in an open field. Naginata, Guandaos, Glaives, and Swiss War Scythes fall into this category. Although ineffective against chain-mail and plate armor, the chances you'll encounter a zombie with anything more protective than a construction helmet are slim at best.

The Naginata for example, which is essentially a katana on a 7-foot stick, has been proven to be able to decapitate up to three human targets in a single lightning-fast swing, and can easily cleave off a skullcap, so you can imagine how useful they can be against zombies, though even if you are native of Japan, these weapons are not usually produced, you would need to have connections to have one made or need to find an antique, and since in fell out of favor in favor of the Yari, they will be significantly older than any given katana, and will likely have poorer blades. A similar weapon is the Guandao, allegedly invented and named after the Chinese hero Guan Yu, and although larger and heavier than its Japanese cousin, has enough power to cleave a man in two. However, you should switch to something shorter when indoors or other confined spaces, since their effectiveness is reduced to stabbing. Realistically, unless you are a trained expert with these weaponry, the extended reach will only afford you increased inaccuracy in a high pressure situation. The ability to use these weapons as a swinging rather than stabbing tool is exceptionally rare, and without this ability these weapons have few advantages over a spear. However, the training required is rarely year-long.

Flamethrower

now before you say anything about this choice you need to shut the hell up for a second, sit the fuck down, and listen to what I have to say. First I’m going to talk about why people say they like it or whatever.
Why it's awesome:
They're the ultimate in crowd control as long as you remember to laugh maniacally and do air quotes for "control." Because the Geneva Convention doesn't give shit about zombies. Flamethrowers kick so much ass that even countries who've decided they're going to spend the next few years murdering each other -- but it's totally cool with every other country because they called it first (war is weird) – agree not to use them.
The usual downside is carrying a huge flammable tank on your back but zombies can't take advantage of that. It's like an alien spaceship boss finally fighting a colorblind pilot: massively overpowered weapons and they can't see your weak point! The zombies' only advantage are numbers, and that only makes your Flamesgiving Day bonfire that much brighter!

You're now a zombie because:

Burning sucks for people because it uses up all the air (which zombies don't need) and causes incredible pain (which zombies can't feel). A real burning human body doesn't melt away like an ambulatory enemy candle, either. If you are fighting a tinder-dry undead monster which ignites like it's been wrapped in kindling, you're fighting a mummy. And dead, because all you've done is burn them down to a Cursed Charred Skeleton which is +5 invulnerable to your fire.
Zombies are gooey so you need to keep applying external flame to keep them lit, and unless you're using an oxyacetylene torch you're not actually getting rid of any zombie in the process. You're just making sure they enjoy flame-grilled flesh when their burning jaws bite your face off. You'd be better off handing them primed grenades and hoping you've run away before they work out how to drop them. Oh, and since you also tend not to fight zombies in space or underwater, now the entire area is on fire and you can't see or breathe. But that won't be a problem for long.

Lawnmower:
Yes a freaking lawnmower, you would be surprised how many people I have heard talking about how great this is to use in the zombie apocalypse, I have one thing to say to them…. You sir are Dumbass.
There are more body parts flying around than a mannequin factory, and more bodily fluids flying in larger arcs than every other video clip on the Internet put together. It goes on so long that liquefying people actually starts to get boring, which is wasted cinema, because if you've watched this movie this far you don't need to imagine what it's like to be a serial killer. The creation of oil didn't spend so long killing things into liquid. Hannibal Lecter would watch this and lose his appetite. And in some horrific movie sexism, Lionel kicks zombie limbs down the hall to where his girlfriend is doing the same thing in the kitchen, with a blender.

You're now a zombie because:

Zombification is passed on by fluid exchange (it’s rare but it has happened) so running around at ground zero of an infection-slurpee fountain is problematic. Lionel bathes in so much blood vampires in other movies start to smell him, and so much soaks into the floor that people in Madrid start hungering for human brains.

A weapon where enemies can get within headbutting range will have literal teething problems. Luckily New Zealand lawnmowers are apparently powered by a miniature black hole: the zombies queue up to reach into the whirling blades like it holds the Meaning of Death. The only dent you'll make is carving a chest-hole into the first zombie to bite your face off. Though your shambling rotomatic corpse will be slightly better at stumbling through underbrush than your zombie colleagues.

Kung-Fu

Why it's awesome:
Anyone who doesn't enjoy a Resident Evil movie is an idiot, because they knew exactly what they were getting into before they watched it. The movies' mission statement is "Milla Jovovich improbably kicks all zombie ass," and they stay so true to that statement they even have her kick zombies to death despite that being stupid and impossible. Because in the Resident Evil world those are both synonyms for awesome. She goes up against a dead security officer armed with only a cocktail dress. Her first response is to shove both her bare fists at its biting mouth, then leap two meters straight up and jam her leg in there too.

You're now a zombie because:
If I have to explain why shoving your naked flesh into a zombie's face is a bad idea, go right ahead. Your intelligence is so low you'd slow even them down, giving the rest of us more time to escape. Even an abrasion would have you T-virused and rotting, although Milla's okay -- the one thing the movie got right is how she's a genetically superior being.

Chainsaw

Why it's awesome:
The iconic anti-zombie weapon and the greatest proof that zombie plans are practice for mass murdering. "I'm not saying I will, but if I was to kill thousands of unarmed people who can't run I'd say Leatherface had the right idea." That's the sort of thing you tell psychologists to score a supply of free sedatives. Chainsaws work on the dismemberment strategy, the safe bet that the average undead is not Voltron and is therefore harmless when broken into pieces. They're the black hole singularity of zombie movies: Inescapably pulling in every undead for miles and then doing physically impossible things to them.

You're now a zombie because:
Fantastic, you've found a melee weapons which needs to be reloaded. Which means you need to find gas. Two acts no one has ever survived when facing zombies. It's the jumping-split-kicks of movie weaponry: Looks awesome but ignores everything we know about the human body. Chainsaws are designed to cut through trees, not fleshy sacks full of sinewy wiring, and even without jamming it takes far too long. The only animate target which moves slowly enough and wouldn't jam it is an Ent. There's also the range. You can swing other weapons at arm's length, but have to hold the saw close to your body because swinging a chainsaw around saves zombies the bother of tearing out your intestines. They're also the loudest weapon in the entire
world, a zombie dinner invitation: "Lone human, already surrounded, bring friends."

Chainsaws

Thanks to movies like the Evil Dead series and video games, many people immediately think of chainsaws when they think of great weapons for killing zombies. This mentality will get a lot of people killed. Despite the much-needed morale boost you may get from wielding one, chainsaws are among the worst weapons for putting down the undead. A chainsaw is a complex machine, and as a rule, any machine with many moving parts should be immediately discounted as an effective melee weapon against a zombie. They're heavy (usually 10 lbs.), they're loud, they can get jammed with zombie guts, they create splatter that can get in your face and infect the wielder. They can easily cause injury to the wielder (as seen in the Dawn remake, and the reason why loggers who use these wear special clothing), the chain can break easily (there are gruesome stories of loggers who lost limbs when the chain snapped and flew off because of a simple nail embedded in the tree by an eco-terrorist), and when they run out of gas or batteries, there's as much remaining killing potential as a handheld boom box.

Finally, the "scare effect" of fighting a chainsaw-wielding lunatic is completely lost on the unfeeling undead. Also, the chainsaw in terms of killing power is a tad overkill, and requires some effort on the part of the user to cut into a zombie's neck or head, and pulling the weapon out after the kill can be difficult due to weight and often panic caused by the numerous other zombies swarming over you. In short, a simple club or sword is recommended over the chainsaw, despite the infamy bestowed upon the device by Hollywood and slasher films.
Also, don't go swinging the noise-making-zombie-gut-spewer like a maniac as you can spew your own guts out.
Another drawback (as proven on Zombie go Boom) chainsaws have a tendency to stall on clothing.

Special Exception: Ashley J. Williams knew exactly what he was doing. When the choice is "chainsaw" or "no hand," chainsaw is the right choice in every situation but masturbation, and every time he used it was a one-on-one combat situation (Ditto the shotgun). We might go around poking holes in movies, but Bruce Campbell's ass-kicking is 100 percent documentary.

Police batons, nightsticks, and Tonfas
A police baton is specifically designed to not kill people, only incapacitate people. It doesn’t have the necessary power to crack someone’s skull, however, these are extremely light-weight and do not require a long time to recover. Best to ignore these, unless the situation requires you to get out of the area as quickly as possible, leaving you little time to kill each and every little zombie, in which case these would be useful in knocking aside ghouls in your way. On the other hand, the tonfa, made of thick hard wood or metal, is of use for cracking zombie skulls, or the solid wood antique police Billy club which was used before the less lethal modern variants came out, unfortunately these are very rare and hard to find.