Kiss Me

Stop crying, I told myself as I wiped away the fat tears that were once again pooling in the corner of my eyes.

You’re better than this. He just got you a little shook up. You’re tired; get some sleep. Don’t do this, especially in front of him. Keep the ugly façade that you’re okay up, and once he gets released from the hospital you can go back to ignoring him again.

I hadn’t been able to sleep. The last time Sid and I had spoken (when I told him that nothing was needing to be said), I had faked falling asleep. From when we were together I had mastered the art of fake sleeping. Whenever he took his pre-game nap I would always “act” like I was the first one to fall asleep and just wait until he had fallen asleep to watch his own peaceful sleep. The way his face mirrored the expression of a small child, with a slight grin, and the way his lips pouted out every time he took a deep breath. It had been a face I had fallen in love with hard and quick.

Once I had started overanalyzing the situation I had put myself into I began putting myself into a hormone induced anxiety attack. Just four months ago everything had been perfect, better than perfect. We had plans on getting married this summer and then everything happened. Quicker than the blink of an eye we were broken up and I was left bitter and angry. The reason behind our breaking up hadn’t helped the harbored feelings that I was still experiencing. It wasn’t like I could lie about it any longer. But here I was now, sitting in UPMC Mercy waiting for my ex-fiancée to be let out of the hospital while I saw in one of the most uncomfortable hospital chairs in my entire life, crying.

Near five I had excused myself from the room (Sid was dead to the world and I wasn’t going to get any sleep anytime soon) to slip out into the hallway and into the neuro-ICU waiting room. The chairs weren’t anymore comfortable but I felt a little more relaxed as I was able stretch my legs and just let out all of the frustration that was feeling. The tears came easy. They always did when I really began to think about him. We had been through a lot together, beginning when we started dating at eighteen and nineteen years old, respectively. The romance was a whirlwind, the engagement wasn’t a surprise, but the unexpected surprised we received shortly after was. He wasn’t ready, neither was I; but I had expected him to step up to the plate, just like I was going too. Only he didn’t, and this was how we ended up where we were today.

After the waterworks seem to end and I was calm enough to go back into the room I made my way out of the waiting room and back to where Sid was peacefully sleeping. It reminded me of all those pregame naps we used to take together. The days when I would have to sneak in the back door of Mario’s house (something I’m sure Mario and his wife Nathalie would have frowned upon had they known about it), to have two hours of just blissful sleep. Everything had been right then.

“You alright over there?” I jumped out of my skin at the sound of his voice. For all I knew when I had walked back in the door was that he was still sleeping. His eyes were barely open; his messy brown curls were splayed around the stark white hospital sheets provided. His massive chest raised and dipped heavily with each word as he tried to rub his eyes awake. I wiped back one of the few remaining tears I had left and nodded my head. I wasn’t going to let him see me like this. That would only further the ‘talks’ that he wanted to have.

“I’m fine.”

“I am really, really sorry, Haley.” I rolled my eyes and let out an incredulous laugh. I should have known this was a bad idea. When Mario called I should have just told him that I was unavailable. Instead I had given in not only to Mario but also to Sid. The second of the two was worst.

“You keep saying that, but are you really?” I didn’t exactly mean for that comment to come out. While it was just something I was thinking (subconscious or not), I hadn’t meant to say it to his face. It was one of those things that I had thought long and hard about right after we had broken up (and even still to this day) and while it wasn’t something I had never meant to say, I could tell it hurt him pretty badly.

“You think I forgot about you, don’t you?” I shrugged my shoulders. This certainly wasn’t the time and place to be discussing this. He scoffed and ran his hands through his hair. I was tempted to tell him not to bring up anything. I wasn’t going to be the one to be the fault of his headaches. “I did something stupid. I made a mistake. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do.” Now I laughed. The facial expression that he was giving me showed he was less than impressed.

“Take some responsibility, Sid. That’s what you should have done. Not sat there and made it out like it was my fault, because it wasn’t. It was just the same amount your fault, as it was mine. I took all responsibility when you said you weren’t ready. I was perfectly fine without you until Mario called up. I am doing just fine without you. Personally you could forget about me and I could give less than two shits about it.” Okay, maybe that last part was a little bit exaggerated because deep, deep, deep, deep down I still did care. I couldn’t help it. Not that I wanted Sid to know that.

“I was scared. I am young and I just--”

“We’re adults, Sidney. We’re not just two horny teenagers who forgot to use birth control or a condom, and found ourselves staring at the positive end of a pregnancy test. It would have been a totally different story had this happened when we first started dating. We were eighteen then. We’re not anymore. We’re twenty-three years old. We made a baby. I was just as scared as you but we’re grown adults. We planned on getting married, how the fuck did it change so quickly?” I was tired of hearing his bullshit spews of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I was scared, I’m too young for this.’ He could only play this façade for so long, and I was sick and tired of it.

“You don’t know what it’s like having an entire city behind you. Rooting for you when you win, and making you feel like shit when you lose, it’s hard.” I scoffed.

“That’s bullshit, Sidney. Complete bullshit and I will call you on it every single day. That has nothing to do with why you broke it off. Before I found out I was pregnant we were fine, you helped me pick out napkins for the goddamn wedding we were planning on having this summer. Nothing changed but the fact that a baby was going to come a little earlier than planned. I understand you were a little scared, because I still am, but you don’t leave somebody over it because you were scared. Things were going to be fine. We were going to be fine, we were going to get married, and have a beautiful baby. Nothing was going to change until you decided that you weren’t ready. Which is fine now because I don’t need you.”

He let out a agitated laugh and pushed the covers down to his ankles. “You don’t need me?” I shouldn’t have nodded. I knew what he was going to say was going to hurt me. When Sid and I fought it was cutthroat. We went for the weakest links and pounced on them with the most ferociousness. We were never violent with one another, physically, but our words were another thing. When one of us was mad at each other it sounded more like World War III was beginning to take place.

“I think you do need me. I think that’s why you showed up at CONSOL yesterday. I would’ve come to the hospital, it may have taken a while, but I would have. And look at you now, sitting and waiting here until I’m going to be released, and then what are you going to do?” I shouldn’t have been so affected by his words. But I was.

“Are you saying I’m here for a booty call?” I narrowed my eyes towards him and bit down on my lower lip. His broad shoulders lifted up and down slowly, his expression never faltered.

“I’m just saying if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it must be a duck.” There had never been a moment in my life that I wanted to slap a man upside the face; Sidney Crosby gave me that first urge.

“Fuck. You.” That stupid half smile appeared on his face as I began to college my keys and cell phone off of the side table. I should’ve taken my subconscious feeling that this was a bad idea to come when Mario had called, but I hadn’t. I wouldn’t have been the first one to admit it, but all of those feelings of love I still had over him told me to go. “I was always there for you. Good win, bad win, everything. I went through a lot of things with you Sid, and I put up with a lot of shit. You of all people should know I would come around at four months pregnant looking for a booty call. I came because I got a call saying that I was the only person you were willing to talk too. I know how you get when you’re injured, how your psyche completely changes and you turn from a fun loving, and completely competitive guy to someone who is haunted. I know how exactly you get when you get injured, and I didn’t want that to happen again to you. As much as I’m angry and frustrated and pissed off at you, Sid, I don’t want you going back into the dark pits of hell that you head off towards when you become injured. It’s not safe for you. So no, I’m not a booty call, if I wanted a booty call I’d ring up Max, I’m sure he’d give it too me. I came for you because when times are tough and you’re scared, I want to be here for you.”

I began to get up from the chair and out of my peripheral vision I noticed him trying to grab my wrist. Quickly I pulled away and began making my way towards the door. I wasn’t needed here any longer. “I’m really sorry, Hale. I didn’t mean whatever I said--” I shook my head from the doorway. You always mean what you say. That’s why you say it.

“Right, Sid. Get well, or whatever.” I wasn’t pissed as much as I hurt. The booty call comment had me swung. I hadn’t come for that. I showed up because no matter how much I was hurt after we had broken up, I still cared about him genuinely as a person. An injury is an injury, and at the end of the day, you need people behind you to help make the hard days that come after it a little better. His comment didn’t make me feel as if I really wanted to stick around for too much longer.