Kiss Me

I had regretted every single word that came out of my mouth after, “I’m sorry, Haley,” as soon as she had walked out of the door. A gross and empty pit formed in my stomach as I sat in complete darkness, by myself, in the neuro-ICU. I threw the pillows across the room, kicked the blankets off of the bed, and nearly took out the older nurse who had walked in while I was in the process of hurling my cell phone against the wall.

When I had told Mario that I was only going to talk to Haley it had been more of a mere slip of the tongue. As much as I wanted to see her, smell her intoxicating smell; hear her vivacious laugh, and take in her warm personality, I figured she would never show up. The surprise of a lifetime showed up when she barged into the room, turned on the light, and didn’t take no for my piss-off attitude I was in.

She was kind, gentle, and even a little flirtatious with me up until I really started to apologize to her in the hospital. She had came back into the room (I had noticed her ducking out around four, only to return with puffy eyes and a large bottle of orange juice) and tried to sit down quickly, making little noise as to not wake me up, but I hadn’t really slept much anyways. I waited until she was settled down before speaking to her and caught her completely off guard. Everything after that had gone down hill.

By the time she had walked out I was angry. I hadn’t meant for the situation to turn awry like that. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to eventually make it up to her, make her fall back again for me. The whole impending fatherhood didn’t freak me out so much anymore. The first couple of weeks it did. It was all I could think about, which was what lead me (amongst other motives) to break it off. At the time I wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready for a kid. A break from Haley had shown me how much I had missed her and how much I still wanted to have a baby—our baby—with her. Now was just the trick of getting her back.

*****

“Does she even know you’re coming by?” Flower asked as he pulled into the rinky-dink apartment complex that Haley lived in. Never in our relationship did I really feel that comfortable about staying here—or having Haley stay here for that matter. Even when we had gotten engaged and still agreed to live separately (even though I basically stayed at her place all the time), I tried to convince her to move into a safer neighborhood. I raised my shoulders up and down as he pulled into the nearest parking spot and put his car into park.

“Not really,” I shrugged as I unbuckled my seatbelt and shuffled out the door quickly. It was bad enough that I wasn’t able to drive myself around because of the concussion; I didn’t need a lecture from one of my best friends. The window rolled down behind me as I closed the door and made my way towards the front steps of the complex.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He called from the driver’s side of his grey lambo. His world famous chicklet smile was in full force as he drove away back towards his home. I sighed. He was right. I couldn’t mess it up now; I couldn’t do anything stupid. I needed to make this right and I needed to make it right now.

The walk to apartment 3B seemed excruciatingly long today. It may have been the massive headache that I was currently suffering through that only made the journey longer, or the deep and ugly pit that was beginning to form in my stomach. I took three steps from the sidewalk and up to the landing before standing in front of the red and white painted door and grabbing up all of the courage I had in my entire body. I had thought long and hard in the past week (it wasn’t like I had much more to do in my free time) about what exactly I was going to say and how I was going to win her back. Sweet words always brought Haley back. It was how our fights always ended. That and some great make up sex.

“What do you want, Sid?” Haley answered the door after I had knocked confidently on the door three times and waited for the petite pregnant woman to answer the door. She looked tired and the look of anger on her face wasn’t hidden.

“I just came to--”

“If you came to apologize I’m going to save you the breath. Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. I heard it a week ago at the hospital, I don’t want to hear it again.” Her quick answer frustrated me. I had come all of this way (and had put so much thought behind what exactly I was going to say) and she wasn’t going to listen to me? No. She was going too.

“Let me in.” I pushed softly past her as she let go of the front door and let me into the foyer of the townhouse. Boxes were all over the floor; some were filled to the brim, and others were still empty. I looked around at the room—it was beginning to empty out—and let my jaw slack to the ground. “What’s going on, Hale?” I asked as she pulled uncomfortably on the hem of her sweatshirt and looked down at the ground. “Haley?” I growled as she suddenly backed away.

“I don’t owe you anything,” She replied back quietly. “I don’t owe you a god damn thing, Sidney, that’s what’s going on.” She responded much louder this time and let go of her sweatshirt.

“Are you moving?”

“Are you dense? I told you it’s none of your damn business.” She didn’t answer the question I asked and it annoyed me. I should’ve known she was going to bail. Whenever the going got tough, she bailed. Fucking typical.

“You’re taking my baby with you?” She laughed incredulously in my face and for a split second I thought about how fucking dumb that sentence sounded. Biologically that kid was mine, but I hadn’t been around for shit. In a way I didn’t blame her for it.

“Your baby?” She hissed through her teeth. I gulped and nodded my head quickly. I had gotten myself stuck in quicksand and was sinking quickly, there was no way out of this now. “What makes you think all of a sudden that this baby is yours?”

“Because the facts that it’s half of my god damn DNA that’s how.” She laughed again, this time louder than the first and shook her head quickly.

“You may be a father, Sid, but you’re never going to be a dad.” The comment actually hurt. I opened my mouth to counter her comment, with something that could hurt her, but shut it quickly. I didn’t come here to fight her. I came to sit, and talk everything out. That was my plan and I needed to stick to the plan.

“Can we restart this?” Her eyebrows rose towards me and I continued on. “I came over here to apologize and to take responsibility like you said. I wanted to make it up to you. I fucked up, I know. I realize that now. I want to make it up to you, and the baby. I want to be here for you guys. I want to get married this summer. I love you Haley.” She shook her head and sniffed, obviously trying to prevent any tears.

“How am I supposed to love somebody who hurt me so much?” The hard exterior was slowly thinning to an eggshell. She raised her hands over her head and then finally rested them on top of her growing bump in exhaustion.

“I know I hurt you, baby, but I promise you I wont again. I learned my lesson; I want to be here for you guys. It just took me a little while longer to figure out what exactly I needed to do.” She shook her head.

“And then what happens when the baby is a month old and the going gets rough again? She or he is up until four every night with colic and you aren’t getting any sleep? What’s going to happen then?” She inquired as I ran my hands through my hair.

“I’ll be there. I will always be there.”

“No you won’t. A baby is a lot of work. You told me yourself that you weren’t ready, I can’t see how it’s any different now, Sid. I just can’t.” That situation at hand was getting further and further away from what I had planned, and the derail was becoming more difficult for me to turn around,

“Why can’t you just let me try?” I asked with one final pleading beg. She shrugged, her tiny shoulders moving up and down as she shook her head. It was back to the fact that she didn’t owe me anything. I was working solely on luck at this point. Luck, and a hell of a lot of faith.

Lady luck was beginning to fail me though.

“Because I’m moving back home.” The sentence came out quickly and it stung more than taking a puck to the face. I tried not to look towards her as I hadn’t necessarily expected her to say that, even with her stuff being packed up.

“To Columbus?” She nodded. “Why?”

“Seriously? I have nothing here. I only have my grandparents here and they can’t help me raise a baby. I’m moving in with my sister in an apartment, at least I have help then.” Again with the slightly touchy comment.

“Why can’t you stay here?”

“Do you not listen the first time I tell you something?” She asked and I didn’t know whether or not to nod my head or shake it. Either way I stood still.

“I need support, Sid. I need somebody who is going to be there for me, and not just say they are. I need emotional and physical support. I can’t sit here and just forget about what all happened. You hurt me. I loved you, maybe if I wasn’t pregnant things would be different, but I have somebody else to think about now. That’s the most important person in my life now.”

“I still love you, Hale.” It was my last ditch effort. I was hanging on by a thread and I was about to fall overboard. Again she shook her head, walked towards me, and gripped my hands in hers and rested her chest against my chest.

“I still love you, Sid, it’s just not enough.” That was the last bullet to my heart. Despite what everything I tried to say she wasn’t going to give in. I had lost it all: my future wife, my future kid, and my entire future family to a stupid mistake I made four months prior. My perspective had changed on the situation but unfortunately it wasn’t soon enough.