Kiss Me

When Haley showed up on the front porch of Mario’s guesthouse, surprised could have been one of the many adjectives I would have used to describe my current feeling.

For twelve point two seconds I stared through the frosted glass pane of the front door, as she stood drenched from the rain we’d been having for the past two days. I couldn’t even believe she was standing there. It almost terrified me to think as to what she was doing and what she wanted.

“Let me in the fucking door, Sid!” She yelled through the window. Snapping out of my Haley induced haze; I quickly ran to the linen closet, grabbed a couple of towels, and let her in the front door. After a few under the breath mumbled profanities, and a towel dry down, I returned back to her with a pair of my large sweatpants, tee shirt, and a sweatshirt.

“Here,” I handed them to her as she quickly grabbed them and made her way into the guest bathroom. After a few minutes I heard more profanities (this time yells of them), followed up by retching. I padded over to the bathroom door, and knocked softly. “You okay in there?” I asked as sniffling and sighs were released behind the heavy oak door.

“I’m fine.” She let out meekly as the toilet flushed, the sink shut off, and the door opened. Before me was a less wet, more dry, Pittsburgh Penguins gear clad pregnant Haley Noelle Cahill, and she never looked more beautiful in her entire life. “Just a little morning sickness at four in the afternoon, no big deal.” She rubbed her stomach and then sighed. “Guess you’re wondering why I’m here, aren’t you?” She asked with raised eyebrows. I shrugged my massive shoulders and looked down at the dark hardwood floors. I wouldn’t have been lying if I wanted to know why exactly she was here.

“Just a little curious.” I responded back. She let out another deep sigh and then flickered her eyes between the living room and mine.

“Think we could talk?” I’ve never been so nervous as to somebody saying those words. Again I nodded and followed her into the cramped living room. Since I had temporarily moved into Flower’s house, I had gone on a bit of a buying spree with furniture. The nesting inside of me bought all kinds of worthless shit that I’d probably never ever use in my entire life. Pushing past the fabrichee egg and Mongolian nightstand, we both took seats on respective couches.

“What did Vero mean by you not telling me about something?” I shook my head and narrowed my eyes towards her, confused as to what she was talking about.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I countered as she let out a loud and exasperated groan.

“I know you guys were in on some plan to make it out like I hadn’t left. We had lunch earlier in the week,” Both of those things I had known about. “She said something about how I needed to talk to you about something, that you never told me. What happened after you got so excited? What happened?” Now it was me who was letting out loud and exasperated sighs. I didn’t want to have to tell her this. It wasn’t something that she was going to want to hear. I had done enough shitty things already to her, and I didn’t want to make it worse. Not that I had a chance anyways.

“It was nothing.”

“It was obviously something, Sid, otherwise she wouldn’t have said anything to me about it. Now, what is it? Tell me, I can take it.” But could she?

“I just don’t--”

“Do you ever want me to be back in your life again?” She asked and I nodded quickly and fervernelty. “You ever want to see your kid?” Again the same reaction came from my side. “Then I’d suggest telling me whatever fucked up thing that you done. Cheating, gambling, problems, whatever, I can handle it. I need to hear the truth, Sid, and I need to hear it now. I’m not guaranteeing anything, but I want to hear why it changed so quickly.”

“Are you sure?”

“About as sure as I’ll ever be.”

Oh boy.

“It wasn’t any of that. I didn’t cheat, gamble, or have any other kind of problems. You of all people know I was excited.”

I smiled thinking back of the time when everything was fine. I wasn’t scared or thought I was too young. I was madly in love with a woman who just so happened to be carrying my firstborn son or daughter. I hadn’t even gotten to see the first scan of the baby and I was already dreaming about whether or not the baby was going to have Haley’s vivacious smile and personality or my determination and drive.

“Pat found out about the baby through my parents,” This was the part where it was about to get hairy. “I guess my dad kind of slipped up one day when he was talking to him, and the next thing I knew I had him on the phone with me giving me the third degree.” Really, really hairy. “He kept on bringing up how a baby out of wedlock was going to be really bad for my image. How despite the fact that we’ve been together for forever, the media was still going to see it as tarnishing my image, and they were going to run you through the ringer. I didn’t care about my image at all; I just wanted to protect you. At first I was able to handle it as we were getting married this summer and that everything was going to be okay. But he kept on bringing up my image and how this and that and that and this was going to happen because of it, and he told me how much it could affect both your life and your career, and I couldn’t do that. He convinced me that the best idea was to break it off by telling you I had changed my mind; that I was too young and too scared to take care of a child, and that I needed to be let off easily.” Her face hadn’t changed any since I had started telling her what happened. I was waiting for her to throw something, jump up and curse me out, or just run out of the room crying. But she didn’t. I continued.

“The plan he had conjured up was that once the baby was born he was going to get paternity testing, if—and I knew it was—the baby was mine we were going to set up a hearing for child support and whatnot. I was going to support you and the baby without actually being there. I wasn’t going to be allowed (because it was apparently against my best interests) to be around the child, and we weren’t going to be allowed around each other. So I was told what exactly to say to you that day, to break it off cleanly and evenly, and I left town for a couple of days. We faked an injury and I was left to lick my wounds for about a week. It was never my intention to do that, Haley. I wanted to be there for you each and every step of the way. I still do, now more than ever. I just lost sight of who I was and what I was actually here for. I let somebody in the business of my professional life get in the way of my personal life and I shouldn’t have. It killed me, Haley, killed me for days to think about what it was doing to you.”

There was still yet to be any emotion coming from her end. She starred at me blank eyed across the living room.

“So that night when I got hit the second time all I could think about was you and the baby, and all I wanted were you and the baby. Pat couldn’t tell me what to do then, I saw Mario and told him I wasn’t going anywhere until he got you there. I wanted to tell you exactly what happened right then and there that night. I wanted you to know the truth because it wasn’t fair the way I had done it. I needed you to know the truth.” A small tear slipped down her cheek, and quickly she brushed it away.

“I called Pat up a few weeks ago and basically to stick it where the sun didn’t shine. He kept telling me how bad of an idea telling you or going back to you was going to be, but Marc and Vero helped me see a lot different view. They told me that it was okay for whatever happened to my rep, that it really didn’t matter in the big scheme of things anyways. The most important thing was that I was there to love and support you guys. I had myself believed that it was all about me, but it wasn’t. It was all about you guys.” More tears came. I didn't like making her cry.

“Are you going to say anything?” She laughed, wiping away more tears, but then returned back to being serious again.

“I don’t know what to say, Sidney.” She replied back cautiously. I noticed the skin around her nail beds was picked raw. Whenever Haley stressed herself out she began to pick around her nails, I had caused that stress. My big stupid, fucked up, and me overrated, agent listening self had caused all of it.

“I still love you so much, Haley. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I understand that if after everything I did you don’t want to see me again, that’s fine. I don’t deserve anything, but you do deserve the truth.”

She paused, looking like she was going to say something before closing her mouth again and reaching into her purse. She fumbled around inside of the small black bag before pulling out an envelope. She held the envelope close to her chest for a moment before pulling something out of it. She smiled this time, looking at the small picture in front of her. From across the room I couldn’t make out the picture.

“Here,” she said, handing me a index card sized piece of paper. “I was planning on giving it to you today, regardless of what you had said. I’m not saying that everything is hunky dory, one hundred percent okay. It may never be. But this is my peace offering to at least help maybe get it back to one hundred percent.” I flipped over the picture and looked at the tiny and grainy image. I looked back up at her with a smile (and even a couple of small tears in my eyes). “That was from two days ago. She or he is doing great, they tell me. Kicking a whole lot.” She grinned and held my hand tightly. It felt right. It felt whole. I looked back down at the picture again in pure amazement.

A sonogram. It didn’t show much but the tiny image of something that resembled more of a lopsided bean than it did a baby. But it was my little lopsided bean; my baby.

It was hope, and that was all that I needed.