I Don't Love You

Frank's POV;

I stormed out of the apartment complex and into the calm, crisp air. I really couldn't stand her. I really wanted to fucking slit her throat sometimes. Who the hell was she to talk to me like that? Yelling at me cause I'm friends with Alliyson. What the hell is that her business?

Look at the stuff shes done: she's cheated on me, brought millions of people home, and had sex with these guys in our bed. Done so many drugs, has had so many drunken nights where I've had to take care of her. How was the band supposed to stay clean and sober with her running around?

And she likes to remind me of the past, a lot. And it's annoying as hell. Who the hell wants to think about that kinda stuff? Not me, that's for sure. I don't want to think about how broken and apart the band and I used to be. And how she basically pulled us all together. Because then I'm reminded that I owe her something, something I don't want to owe her anymore.

And that's my respect. And my loyalty. I owed her a lot, sadly. But when she threw it all in my face, I forget all about it and fight back. I'm a Scorpio, what can I say? We have fiery tempers.

I pulled out a cigarette and my sidekick. I made sure I went away when the fight started. I lit my cigarette and then opened my sidekick.

NJ loves pansy is back from away.

NJ loves pansy: Sorry about that
final car wreck: You okay?
NJ loves pansy: Fuck no I'm not
NJ loves pansy: I'm just so fucking tired of Demesne
final car wreck: What happened? Another fight?
NJ loves pansy: Yeah basically. Nd she throws all this shit in my face and ugh I just can't deal w/ her anymore
final car wreck: Idk I'm sorry Frank...I know what u mean
NJ loves pansy: I don't know what to do w/ her anymore like...I just can't live like this anymore It's so hard living w/ someone u don't love and...it's like living a lie, u know?
NJ loves pansy: I mean I just told her I didn't love her so...
final car wreck: Then why continue with? What's the point like u don't need that in your life hun
NJ loves pansy: I have no idea. She says she needs me or whatever. But neither of us are ever around like I dnt get it
final car wreck: I understand Frank
NJ loves pansy: She and Alicia just left I could see them from the bench outside
final car wreck: Where they going?
NJ loves pansy: Dnt knw, nor do I care
final car wreck: What are you doing now?
NJ loves pansy: Smoking and trying to calm down. U?
final car wreck: John was ranting about us and some other shit and so now I feel like crap
NJ loves pansy: I'm sorry lovely
final car wreck: It's fine. Just w/e you knw? Just sucks that we're both having relationship troubles lol
NJ loves pansy: Exactly what I was just thinking lol
final car wreck: Things will work out tho...for now I need some therapy...can you go inside and play some guitar for me since she's gone now
NJ loves pansy: Sure

I put out my cigarette and went back inside. When I opened the door to the apartment, I found Mikey on the couch with his bass playing something random. His eyes shot to the door when I closed it and I smiled awkwardly at him. I peeled off my parka and threw it on the other couch.

"Uh...hey Frank," Mikey squeaked.

I glanced at him and he looked a little sad.

Why the hell was he sad?! Was his relationship falling apart before his very eyes? I think not.

"Hey Mikes," I murmured and went into my room. I nervously dialed Alliyson's number and waited for her to pick up. This would be the first time I'd talk to Alliyson on the phone like this; we'd usually just talked through IMs and text messages, or in person. I released a breath I didn't know I was holding when she picked up and greeted me by name.

"What do you want me to play?" I asked softly.

"Jetset life," she replied sadly and sighed.

I got up and got my guitar, plugged it into the amplifier and turned it up, but not too much. I searched around for a guitar pick. I found one next to a picture of Demesne and I, which I then turned down. Mikey came in with his bass and plugged it in too.

'Gaze into her killing jar,
I'd sometimes stare for hours (sometimes stare for hours)
She even poked the holes so I can breathe.
She bought the last line.
I'm just the worst kind,
Of guy to argue;
With what you might find.
And for the last night I lie,
Could I lie with you?

Alright, give up, get down,
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants,
It all to come down this time.

Lost in the prescription,
She's got something else in mind (something else in mind).
Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte.
It gives the weak flight,
It gives the blind sight;
Until the cops come,
Or by the last light.
And for the last night I lie,
Could I lie next to you?

Alright, give up, get down,
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants,
It all to come down this time.

Alright, give up, get down,
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants,
It all to come down this time.

Pull the plug,
But I'd like to learn your name.
And holding on,
Well I hope you do the same;
Aw sugar.
Slip into the tragedy, you've spun this chamber dry.

Alright, give up, get down,
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants,
It all to come down this time.

Alright, give up, get down,
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants,
It all to come down this time.

Pull the plug,
But I'd like to learn your name.
And holding on,
Well I hope you do the same;
Aw sugar.'

Now I'm no Gerard, but I held my own. I heard Alliyson humming along and every so often I'd heard her blurt out a line loudly. When I finished Mikey hauled ass and left, and I took Alliyson off of speaker.

Awkward silence.

I hated those. And I hated having them with someone who I knew could be just as loud as me. I wanted Alliyson to say something, to start some random conversation. Say something to fix this, to fix my and her problem. Anything, anything to break this weird awkward silence.

A positive, a gay baby is born during every gay silence...

God, I wanted to scream, I hated fights.

"I should get my dreadlocks back," I thought out loud.

Alliyson choked suddenly and started coughing uncontrollably, "Why the fuck would you wanna do that?!"

I was taken aback, "You don't even know what I looked like when I had dreads."

"Yeah I do, I've seen the Vampires video, and pictures hun. No dreads for you."

"Well...I want my dreads back. They were fun."

"If you get your dreads back, I'll...I'll...cut off all my hair."

I thought about that for a minute, "Cute," I replied. Damn, I was picking up on her habits. "Too bad I'm not getting dreads anymore."

She laughed victoriously, "I win."

Another awkward silence. Dammit, this time I really didn't know what to say. I said only what came to mind.

"I need to get away," I whispered.

"Me too."

"I hope she doesn't come back."

"How long have you two been fighting?" She asked quietly.

"As long as Mikey and Alicia have been together, I guess."

"That's pretty sad..."

"Of course," I scoffed. "This is Demesne we're talking about."

"Well I didn't wanna judge her, since I barely know her," Alliyson said thoughtfully.

"Oh yeah...right."

A pause, "You've got to help her," she said quietly. "She might need help, her addictions might be really bad and they might be what's causing her behavior."

I never thought of it that way. She could be right.

"I'll try," I replied.

"Thanks love. I try to think of things in the sense of 'what if I was in her case'. And well, if that was the case for me, I know I'd want the help whether I asked or not. Sometimes what you need is an intervention."

Another pause. I sighed, It was now or never...

"How old were you when you were..." I thought about the word for a second, "Diagnosed?" I asked shakily.

"Three," she said simply.

I choked. Fucking three years old!?

"No way..."

"Word."

"Babe..." I whispered and buried my head in my hands and closed my eyes.

How tough was that? Three years old and diagnosed with cancer. Having surgery, having organs you need removed so you can live a normal life. Alliyson can't even live a normal life. She has her restrictions, and her medicines. She was grown up now, it was almost 23 years from when she was diagnosed and she was fine now. But imagine that, for just a minute.

Cancer is such a serious thing. You don't think that many people have it, but you hear about it on the news, you hear about famous people dying from it. Look at this, I would've never known from looking at Alliyson that she had cancer, she looks so normal and shit. But Cancer is one of the leading natural killers throughout the world, right? And that scared me, and reminded me of the cigarette I just smoked.

"Can it come back?" I asked quietly.

"It hasn't yet love."

I sighed, "Do me a favor and lighten up the mood?"

She started to hum *Nsync and I giggled. And I don't fucking giggle.

This was different for me. I'd never felt like this before. I couldn't understand what was going on. There was just something about this girl, something that made me want to talk to her all the time and tell her what was wrong with me. She just grabbed my attention and I was just drawn to her. This was different than what happened with Demesne though.

With Demesne, there were complications. There was 'love', or what I thought was love. I owed Demesne, and I didn't really owe Alliyson anything. But now, now I didn't give a fuck what Demesne did because she was only going to bring the band and myself down with her. Because that's where she was headed, if she didn't get help...a really far down.

It's sad that I didn't give a fuck about her anymore and that I gave a fuck about somebody else instead...