I Don't Love You

Frank's POV;

I sat down on the bed in the hotel after coming in from smoking on the deck, again.I was going through my pack of cigarettes like I was going through air - it was crazy. Every single ounce of nicotine was entering my body at lightning speed as I continuously stressed out, more and more.

My mind, once again playing tricks on me, told me my Sidekick was ringing from my back pocket. I slammed the sliding door closed as I fished for the quite large, square-ish device from my pocket to see what I had missed.

Missed calls.
Missed IMs.
Missed text messages.
Nothing.

You might not know this unless you have the enV from Verizon, or the Sidekick 3 itself from T-mobile, but they have extremely loud vibrating ringers. Any call, any IM, any text message, and the phone goes on this crazy frenzy, the heavy vibration shaking the tiny pieces inside the phone. It was almost impossible to ignore, and scared the shit outta you if you weren't expecting it.

So there was no way in hell I was ever missing any calls, IMs, or texts with this stupid thing in my possession.

But back to the matters at hand: Why?

Why, you ask? Why am I being so fidgety? Why am I going nuts-o?

Simple. I missed her.
And it was weird.

I'd never had this type of feeling before. It had been a couple days, and we had constantly been talking. And it drove me crazy without any contact from her, any alert from this stupid phone of my to let me know she had messaged me.

Being on tour was...everything that boring could be. Well yeah, there was the actual performing part, which kept me busy most of the time. But then there was the times when I was alone, in the hotel room, with Mikey and Alicia. Now don't get me wrong, I loved them both - but staying with two people who were in a committed relationship was hard to deal with.

Especially with your relationship crumbling before your very eyes.

No, I didn't know where Demesne was. And honestly, I couldn't give a damn. She was a burden to me and my life, I had other things to do and deal with, like touring and performing for the many fans I'd come to have over the years with the guys. I didn't have the time to deal with her bullshit.

So I just didn't give a fuck.

Yeah, I admit it hurt a little to just drop her like this. But it was a long time coming, and I was sure I wasn't going to hear from her for a while. Which was just something that Demesne did, I'd come to learn over the years, and that was disappearing. She could always disappear like it was absolutely nothing.

Whoops, there I go again. I've got the phone in my hand, checking again for anything I might've missed in my little revelation back there.

But I had nothing. Which honestly, was starting to piss me the fuck off. She had confided in me that she never did anything anyway, and that she was always free. She had enough money, enough time in the world to do whatever she wanted. So why couldn't she take the time out of her day of sleeping, eating, being online, and doing nothing, to just write me a simple text?

Something cute and girly like 'hey' (which isn't really all that girly), or 'I miss you'. Something to get the blood pumping, y'know?

I went online but she was away, and all it said was "Hi, I'm unavailable."

It had said that for ages now.

I had texted her before, in a desperate attempt for attention, saying 'Get the fuck on', but got nothing.

What the hell could she be doing? My mind started to race. I started to worry as I threw myself down on the bed, back first. What if she was in trouble? What if she was dead? What if she was hurt? What if her sidekick got stolen? What if it broke? What if she was kidnapped and being held captive? What if her great uncle Joe had died, and she had gone to...Jamaica was it? Yeah, Jamaica, to go visit him, and I was constantly checking for her in the middle of his funeral?

I was starting to feel like a dick, my mind wandering to her face, her body graced in a black dress. Sadness etched into her face as tears slipped down her face for Steve or Jack or Joe or John or whatever his name was.

Then it hit me like a train, steaming down the tracks. Like a ton of bricks, hard on my big head of stupidness.

She was with John.

Why didn't I realize this before? How freaking obvious was it? While I was going out of my mind, out on tour, Alliyson was probably cuddled up with John right now. And the dog, she'd be at the foot of the bed, guarding it from outsiders. And they'd be one big happy family.

Oh god, what if they were having sex? John would probably have his huge manly man hands all over her delicate little body. Touching her the right way, making her say all the things he wanted to hear.

I looked down at my hands and frowned.

Why did this even bother me so much?

In the middle of my thoughts Mikey stormed in the hotel room, Alicia latched onto his arm. She frowned down at me, but Mikey looked at me sheepishly and smiled slowly. I guess Alicia was still mad at me about the whole Demesne thing, but doesn't she get that I just don't like her like that anymore? I love Alicia, she's mad cool and all, but isn't it my decision on my feelings for Demesne?

I know it's not right how I deal with her, but I'm just not sure how.

"Hey Frankie," Mikey said and Alicia walked up to the couch on the other side of the room, where Bunny sat curled up in a ball.

"'Lo," I replied back and picked up my Sidekick, glanced at it again, and put it back down.

"Remember when we got that Guitar Hero game for free? I was wondering if you'd play it with me? I'd like to...brush up on my skills before this one over here," he gestured at Alicia who sat there smiling, "beats me again."

I smiled weakly and sat up, "Sure Mikes."

If there was one thing I loved about Mikey, it was how good of a distraction he was.

[Time Elapse]

A little while later, Mikey and I were still playing this ridiculous game. I pounded out all my frustration and aggression onto the small, red guitar, hitting the white strum bar hard. I wanted to sneak a peak at my Sidekick badly, but I kept my eyes glued to the screen, careful not to miss any of the notes.

I could sense Mikey bugging out like a squirrel on speed beside me though. I thought I was crazy on guitar; this one was on a fake one and was going nuts.

"It's a good thing you play bass man, I'd have a run for my money for craziest looking guitar player," I murmured and grabbed at the whammy bar.

"Shut up," Mikey shot back and jumped slightly.

I sighed, frustrated, and glanced over at my phone again. I screwed up a couple notes, added a 'fuck' in there, and turned back to the screen to catch up again.

But by then the game had already finished, and Mikey squealed in glory at the fact that he'd beaten me. I just rolled my eyes at him and grabbed for the phone, sliding the screen open and checked all three applications I'd been checking all day before putting the phone down again.

Mikey had already picked a song by the time I'd looked up and it loaded. Not even sure what song it was, I just played along, my mind still on the phone and on Alliyson, oddly.

I wasn't sure why I wanted to talk to her so bad, or what it was I really wanted from her. Knowing me, I'd probably clam up like a wall as soon as I actually did talk to her, and not say a word.

With the second song over, I lifted the guitar off of me at the sudden flash of light from my phone and raced over to it, yet again, and checked it once over.

"What are you doing?" Alicia suddenly asked and I turned to her, surprised to find her gaze fixed on me.

"Checking my phone?" I asked, unsure of what she was getting at.

"Why do you keep checking it so much?" She then asked, her perfectly shaped eyebrows rising in question.

"I'm expecting...a phone call. Or something," I told her, finished with checking my stupid Sidekick for the millionth time and tossed it on the bed.

"Why don't you just call them?" Alicia asked, curling some of her dark hair behind her ear. "I know the time zones are different or whatever, but I'm sure they'd get back to you."

I felt my face fall, knowing that if I was interrupting Alliyson and John, she'd probably never get back to me. Which was slightly saddening, and disheartening. I shook my head, "No," I assured her. "I don't think so."

"Why not?" Mikey butted in, turning the TV onto something normal.

Before I could answer him though, Alicia said, "It's her, isn't it?"

I stayed silent.

"Who?" Mikey questioned, turning to her and then back to me. "De-oh, uh no...Alliyson?"

I shrugged and nodded, "Well what does that even mean?" He snapped at me.

"It means sure, why not, Mikey," I snapped back.

"Wouldn't it just be easier to call her instead of checking for text messages and IM's?"

I shrugged again, "Maybe."

"He thinks he'll be bothering her, that's what it is," Alicia said aloud. "You're such a boy, Frank."

"I am not a boy!" I huffed. "I am most definitely a 25-year old man."

"You're acting like a sixteen year old boy with a crush, all unsure if you should talk to her or not. What have you got to loose? It's pathetic how you'd much rather choose to be miserable without taking a chance, than miserable with knowing the truth."

I let Alicia's words sink in as I crawled over to my bed and sat at the edge, looking down at my hands.

"Hm, so what should we watch?" Mikey asked after an awkward silence crept up on us unexpectedly.

"I don't know," I said quietly, still looking at my hands. I no longer had the urge to check my phone anymore, now feeling much smaller than I already did. And much younger too.

I felt something land on the bed behind me and I glanced back at the remote. I turned to give Mikey an incredulous look but he just shrugged and said, "You find something Frank."

"What makes you think I know any European channels?"

Mikey then shrugged and Alicia added, "Learn."

I gave a frustrated sigh, knowing neither of them cared whether I learned or not. They probably just wanted to give me something to do so I wouldn't sit on my bed, depressed and thinking.

My finger started to ache from pressing the down button so many times. I just couldn't find what I was looking for, which was the Fuse channel. It had crossed my mind that maybe they didn't have Fuse in Europe, but I ignored it and kept searching, sighing softly every once in a while.

I heard Mikey cry out, "Stop!" randomly during my channel surf and I stopped on a sewing special.

I began to snicker, turning to Mikey, "Damn man. No offense, but I didn't know you had a secret sewing fetish! It's true what they say, you learn something new everyday."

He shot me a dirty look.

"Cute, but no stupid, I don't. Go back two channels," he ordered and I laughed as I did so. That look he gave me was absolutely priceless.

Back two channels, and a familiar scene unfolded before me. The memory of the night I watched Raw with Alliyson flooded into my mind, but then it flashed to the fight with Demesne. I shook my head in efforts to erase the images from my mind and focused on the ones on the screen before me.

The program Alliyson told me was called 'Raw' was up, on whatever channel this was in Europe. The camera was directed at two men at a table, and a huge arena full of people behind them, everyone screaming and waving at the camera. One of the men was dressed in a nice, tailored suit with glasses and a cowboy hat. The one beside him had on an outfit with very flashy colors with a tight, red face and gelled back hair.

"...At Wrestlemania, it was truly a night to remember," the shorter one announced and turned to his coworker with the hat, who nodded and turned to the camera.

"That's right King, and history was made in many ways. Let's look back on the Wrestlemania recap," he announced as the 'King' nodded and the screen went black.

Tons of images of matches flashed before my eyesight, and I saw out of the corner of my eye as Alicia crept into the bed she was sharing with Mikey. Ignoring the couple, I focused more on the scenes unfolding before me.

Finally, what I was looking for came up: Main Event. I saw the big man himself, John Cena; appear on the screen holding his belt over his shoulder as he sat inside a car. I guessed this must've been his opening or something, but what I was really focusing on was the figure seated next to him.

Alliyson gave a smile to everyone in the crowd, waving and blowing kisses. I snorted at the fact that she was wearing a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, and was at a wrestling event. Nonetheless, the group of clips 'Raw' was showing went to John's competitor, a tall guy they said was Randy Orton.

The clips from the match began, Alliyson in John's respectable corner as the match began. It began to get boring, the usual wrestling crap that never really interested me until I saw Randy Orton get this crazy look in his eyes.

The music went from mellow to dark, as if leading up to a horrible event. As John lay in the middle of the ring, eyes closed and breathing heavy, Randy went ringside and dug underneath, eventually pulling out a chair.

I raised my eyebrows, since when was a chair used in wrestling?

But said chair was laid out in the middle of the ring as Randy picked John up and did some crazy move that made John end up face first on that chair. Randy did it many times, or they kept repeating it, but either way I had to close my eyes and look away.

"Ouch," I heard Mikey murmur but I didn't look at him, eyes glued to the screen.

As I kept watching that match before me, I felt myself get sicker and sicker to my stomach. I watched John put himself through so much physically and probably mentally, that it was almost impossible to watch. I saw the blood pour from the gash in his head and all over the ring as the fight progressed, until he finally pinned his opponent for the 'count out' or something.

People ran out to the ring to help John out, unable to walk from all the blood loss and physical beating he had endured. Alliyson followed behind them, looking sad and wounded like a lost puppy, John's wrestling belt in hand.

For what reason did John continue to do this? Why would he put his body through so much, just for other people's entertainment? The money? The lifestyle? I could probably never understand the answers to these questions, and the many more running through my mind.

But what I did know was where Alliyson was: at home, taking care of her wounded boyfriend who was put on bed rest.