I Don't Love You

Alliyson's POV;

I was seated in the swing chair that sat in John and my backyard. I held my Sidekick in my hands, gripping tightly to the device as I looked up at the night sky. The wile Florida weather hadn't acted up yet for the day, and so it was just calm and comforting out. I curled my loose hairs behind my ear and gazed up at the stars, longing for some answers.

I felt confused, and hurt. But strangely, I had absolutely no reason to be.

What had happened to me? I'm usually this live wire, this energetic girl. There's rarely a moment where I'll act out of character, be unlike myself, and just close up from the rest of the world.

Which was exactly what I was doing. I suddenly remembered sitting in this exact spot not too long ago, with Ruby in front of it and Frank beside me. And then it had begun to rain, and Frank had ended up staying over. It felt like it was just yesterday that he was here, giving me that cute awkward smile.

But he wasn't. I looked beside me at an empty space. I felt more alone than ever, like no one could help me. What was that called? Helplessness? There you go, I felt helpless.

Helpless because when something happens, I either chat about it a mile a minute, eager to get my feelings out and have a good cry. Or I just bottle up all my emotions, and just stay alone.

You can just guess which one I'm doing now.

But I didn't want to feel like that. I wanted to talk to someone, someone that would make me smile or would just complain the entire time, or talk about their own problems. Which is probably the best way for me to forget my own problems, and that's to talk to someone about their own problems.

God, why was I like this again? Oh yeah, Wrestlemania.

Flashback, Night of Wrestlemania

"Don't worry hon, I'll be fine. I'm huge, pain is my middle name," John joked but I gave him a serious look. "John-Pain-Cena."

"John stop," I muttered. "I really have a bad feeling about this, I don't know why. I'm not likin' it either."

John sighed and opened his arms for me, and I ran into them, cuddling into his huge, warm body. He was dressed in normal attire, jean shorts and a t-shirt, with his own hat and wristbands on. He rubbed my back comfortingly and kissed the top of my head.

"Babes, I'll be fine," he had claimed. "Nothing is gonna happen, you know how this shit works. Just don't worry about it."

Just don't worry about it...

End Flashback

Yeah don't worry about it, he says. I'll be fine, he says. How fine are you now John-Pain-Cena, huh? Got a cracked rib, sounds good to you, right? And those 10 stitches you had to get in your head? Psh, it was a walk in the park.

Asshole.

Those stitches didn't just put themselves into his head. And the bandages on his chest and stomach, they aren't there for comfort, like a heating pad. It's cause he's in pain, probably taking pills as we speak. And the bandages are probably making him itchy too.

I don't normally get like this, to be honest. When John gets hurt while wrestling, I usually just let it go. It's his job, he loves doing it, and it's also his body. But I just didn't like how he told me he'd be 'fine' and to 'not worry about it'. Also the fact that I had witnessed it with my own two eyes, and was probably scarred for life.

No matter how fake wrestling is, seems to be, or people think it is, there is also another factor: The pain is real. That, you cannot fake for anything.

Which is again, why I sat here, reliving that moment in 'fake' wrestling, my phone in hand. With my boyfriend's retarded dog laying before me, I wondered if maybe I should actually talk to someone about this.

I mean, I've got enough friends - there had to be someone that I could talk to. Someone to have listen to me talk and yap about how hurt I was, how scared I had been for John, and how upset I'd been on the ride to the hospital.

TV doesn't help, doesn't take my mind off a damn thing since he's all over the television. I can't go online, because I'm such a hermit crab. I don't really want the sympathy IMs from all the people I know watch the show, because that's simply not my style.

I don't go out, because I just don't want to. Plus, I have to be the stay at home wife, helping out the wounded boyfriend. Gotta help him up and down the stairs, in and out of the shower, make his dinner, help him eat, help him change. Gotta re-bandage him up every once in a while too.

It feels like something outta the movie Pearl Harbor, which always makes me sad to watch.

Oh shit, didn't Ben Affleck die in that movie? God, don't let John die like Ben did.
Wait, he did - right? Whatever, who the hell cares anyway! I've got bigger fish to fry.

Like that my phone had spontaneously decided to vibrate, shaking me from my stupid thoughts. I looked down and saw that I had received another IM, but it had probably been sent hours ago. Yeah, thanks T-Mobile, love you and your Sidekick service too. It's amazing.

I don't open up the phone and look at it, I just go back to staring off into space. Honestly, I don't know what I need actually, but it sure as hell isn't this. I mean really, who needs to see their boyfriend's head come in contact with a chair (not sure if it's metal or steel), over and over again?

But then I heard my ring tone, the familiar sounds of Spiraling Into Depression sounded out through the backyard, by Into Eternity. Ruby picked her head up and barked at me, almost as if to say 'pick it up!'

Without any more hesitation, I picked up and held the phone to my ear.

"Finally!" A voice yelled out before I could even say hello, causing a very, very small smile to come on my face.

Emphasis on the 'very very small' part.

"Hey," I said quietly, leaning back onto the chair, the scratchy material scraping my back.

Wait for it...

"Where in the fuck have you been?! I've been trying to get in touch with you for the longest time! Yah don't fuckin’ answer my IMs, and you don't answer my fuckin’ texts," Frank yelled. "I thought something had fuckin’ happened to you, but then I thought that somehow I'd find out. But people also get raped-slash-kidnapped and no one hears about it!"

I gave a frustrated sigh, "Frank...you don't understand." Images of a moment in my past came rushing back to me, reminding me that I'd made this mistake before. I'd heard the exact words he was saying coming from someone I loved a long time ago, and it hurt to hear it again, further ruining my mood.

"Fucking hell!" Frank went on, and I honestly don't think he took a break in any of this after. "Wait until I get my fuckin hands on you...What in the fuck had I done to deserve any of this fuckin shit? Do you think this shit is funny, makin people worry like that? 'Cause I ain't motherfuckin laughin, okay? Don't fuckin do this shit to me again."

Whoa, he totally went in like, boyfriend/husband mode just then. I felt put down, like a child being reprimanded for a mistake or misbehaving. It felt like a dream though, since I hadn't gotten yelled at like this for quite some time. I couldn't really believe that he was really upset because I hadn't talked to him in so long.

But then he surprised me again.

I heard a loud gasp, and then Frank must've hung up because I heard the music that the Sidekick has for the end of the call. I gaped at the phone, mouth wide in shock and then they came.

The tears. Full force. I tried to stop them by turning away and biting my lip, looking anywhere to distract me. But they came anyway, and I began to cry, resting my head down on my hand, elbow on my thigh as support.

I felt so confused, why was I crying right now? Was all of this pent up from what happened to John? Or was it cause Frank had yelled at me on the phone just now, and it was all coming out?

I didn't have any time to think before the phone rang again and I answered it, with no hesitation.

I heard Frank sniffle softly, and then cough to cover it up. He sniffed afterwards anyway, and we quietly sobbed together. My heart longed to see him, for what reason I'm not sure of, so we could really cry together. I wondered, in the middle of the blubbering mess I was on that chair, what he looked like when he cried.

Did his eyes sparkle, wet with tears? Does his nose get all soft - his face red and flushed? Does his lips get all plump and red; does he bite his lip like me to hold them back?

Frank sniffled once more before saying, "I am so, so, so, so sorry. I didn't mean to...yell at you like that, and I definitely don't mean to make you cry. I just got a little upset, and was worried something had happened. Like you have no idea," but I cut him off.

"It's fine," I interrupted and wiped away what I hoped was the last of my tears for the night.

"...I just missed you," he added quickly and we both got quiet. Extremely quiet.

"So um," Frank said, clearly his throat. "How are you?"

"Fine," I replied briskly. "Just sittin’ outside with Ruby."

"Good. Uh, I mean...great."

"You?"

"Fine."

Frank sniffed again, whispering, "How is he?"

I automatically knew what he meant. Which mean he knew what had happened, somehow. Which made me happy, strangely.

"Upstairs resting," I told him. "He'd just eaten, so he's probably drinking a beer."

"Good," Frank said. "Alliyson..."

"Hm?" I asked, lying down on the chair and looked up at the top, where the small canopy was.

"How are you really?"

I shrugged, forgetting he wasn't there with me, "Okay, I guess. It's just...I don't know, an image I can't really erase from my mind. Which bothers me. I just want to forget it, push it into the back of my mind like I'd done with all the other times he'd gotten hurt."

"Mm," Frank murmured. I closed my eyes and inhaled a breath I didn't know I needed.

"So uh," I began. "How's Demesne?"

Frank started all out laughing, his high hiccuping giggle making me smile, "God only know how Demesne is."

I chuckled, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said it meant," Frank said, and I could almost hear him grinning.

"Whore," I said.

"Slut."

"Bitch."

"Dick rider."

"Camel humper," I said, stifling a laugh as Frank gasped loudly.

"Uh! Take that back!"

"No," I said, giggling. "The truth hurts."

"Hmph," Frank grunted.

"Hey Frank?" I asked suddenly, imagining him sitting alone in his hotel room, biting the hell outta his lip ring.

"Hm?"

"Would you...run away with me if I asked?"

Random, I know. But it suddenly came to me, and I felt enough courage to ask him.

Frank made a couple popping noises with his mouth, probably thinking of the best answer. He made one final pop and said, "I would...run onto the end with you."

I began to laugh hysterically, managing to choke out, "That was horrible!"

He laughed too, "I know. You loved it though, don't hate."

"Are you the only one in the band that tries to incorporate your lyrics with your everyday life?" I asked and wiped away my tears of laughter.

"Yeah, definitely."

"Oh, I feel so privileged," I said, and snorted.

"You should," Frank said. "I'm the hottest of the group."

"I'm thinking more along the lines of the stupidest. But that's just my personal opinion on the matter," I joked and he grunted.

"Hey! I'm very smart, thank you," he defended and I snorted again.

"You? Smart? Ha! If you're smart, then I own France," I shot at him and he laughed.

"Hi Queen of France...what are you wearing?" He asked and I burst into a fit of giggles.

"Frank! You're so silly," I exclaimed and Ruby stared at me from the ground. I'm guessing she wasn't used to all of the sudden movements I was having after just crying.

Oh god, I had almost forgotten that Frank and I had just gotten into a fit of tears. Felt like hours ago.

"So, what are we now, Demolition Lovers?" I then asked and I could just tell Frank was thinking of a witty comeback.

"Hey, a liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full," he replied and I groaned.

"Oh yes baby, give it to me one more time..." Is what Frank responded with and I laughed at him again, feeling my heart swell with happiness and the feeling of being content.

What's worse was that I loved this conversation a little too much, and I had actually missed him...A lot.