I Don't Love You

* Frank's POV; Chapter 38

I guess this is what it was like to be heartbroken.

Today is .. I don't know. It's almost June now.

The last time I talked to Alliyson was April. It's almost been two months now.

After I left her house that day I somehow made my way back to Jersey (I got a taxi to 42nd Street and took a NJ Transit bus from there) and went home. To wallow away in my misery.

I cried all day. And I really didn't know why. Everything just hurt, everything I looked at reminded me of her, every smell, every face. I called up Gerard and told him I would be ready to come back home the next day. He was actually surprised and said to stay home, that they were coming back in a bit and then we were going back on tour. To Canada. But first we had to do a music video.

So I stayed home for about two days, crying and moping around the house. I didn't even notice that Mikey's stuff was all packed up and most of Alicia's was gone.

No matter what I played, everything made me upset. Everything made me more depressed.

At first it was whatever I could muster up, The Misfits, Black Flag, Danzig, The Academy Is ..., The Used, Metallica, Iron Maiden, stuff like that. I blasted everything and stared at my walls.

Occasionally I'd play guitar, then I'd find myself playing stuff like I Don't Love You and then Desert Song and finally, Jetset Life. Sometimes I couldn't play Jetset Life because of the day Alliyson asked me to play it. And plus theres that line in the song that goes 'gaze into her killing jar, she'd sometimes stare for hours'.

Yeah that one line would get me started on crying myself to sleep, waking up with all the lights on and it being dark.

I couldn't eat. I only slept when I cried. Playing guitar felt funny.

She was never online. She never called. She never even gave me a sorry, now did she?

Then I started getting angry. Really angry.

Thank god Gerard and the guys showed up and threw me right back into work. Which was great, it gave me something to concentrate on. Something to get my mind off of things.

But then I'd go into the dressing room and wish she would just walk in like the first time I saw her. I'd want her to contact me somehow. Soon enough I got tired of constantly checking my phone for her missed messages, her missed IMs.

It was unhealthy, I have to admit. Unhealthy that my tears had all dried up and all that was left was bitterness and anger.

Mikey had left the band because since he married Alicia (and I missed it because I was too busy with someone who didn't even love me, now wasn't I?) and he wanted to go on their honeymoon, spend time with her.

Lucky bastard.

He was dubbed on 'hiatus' and I was back on board.

Videos, interviews, concerts, signings, so on and so forth. I planted a smile on my face for all of them and did what I did best.

But when I was alone I would break down. I would write songs about her demise and death. But then I'd get upset and throw it away.

Thank god for the guys. And for Gerard.

I was heartbroken, yes. But I was going to deal with this in the best way I knew how. And that was to just go back to life the way it was before.

I'd fallen in love with her from since I met her. And it hurt to think she used me or that she lied to me about all of this. And no matter what I would love her, after all the pain went away and the tears dried up and we didn't talk.

Because I refused to regret.

And I refused to forget her.

I stopped watching TV (not like I ever did) in fear that I would catch her or John on it. And I stopped waiting for her to talk to me and I didn't bother trying to talk to her.

I felt like it was over and that I'd done nothing but hurt myself.

But three people helped me come to realize that it was all worth it in the end and basically helped fix everything.

Gerard.

WiL Francis.

and believe it or not, Demesne.