I Don't Love You

*Alliyson's POV; Chapter 41

Let it be ...

Sorry Paul McCartney. I wasn't going to let it be.

I basically destroyed myself after Frank left. I didn't care about a thing after that. I let John take me back to Florida and then he left again.

Just like he always does. Just like he always will.

But then he came back and brought me with him. And so I had to do whatever Raw tour with him. I didn't even know what was happening half the time. I felt so out of it.

I left my mind and soul back in New York in my apartment, along with Frank.

Frank.

Oh god how hard it must be for him, probably even harder than it is for me.

I missed him more than anything. I missed his smile, his giggling, his hiccuping girly laugh. I missed his lips, his voice, his beautiful perfect eyes.

If theres anything this helped me realize it was that I barely knew John at all.

I knew I lost all respect for him after he almost hit me, twice. He felt so bad about everything, he did. He tried to make up for it, buying me stuff and bringing me with him.

But it didn't change a thing.

I didn't cuddle with him at night. I barely ever talked to him. And when we were in public I'd plaster a smile on my face and go back to being the wrestler's wife.

John has this ... spot on his back, you know? I never noticed it before. I never noticed it was there.

But I remembered everything on Frank. I remembered every precise shape of all his tattoos, the exact spots that they were in. I knew all the spots on his body, the exact ones on his face. He has one in the middle of his cheek. and then theres two directly diagonal to it, almost like a line across his face.

And there's one under where his lip ring is.

I didn't know about John's freckles or anything like that. John hated admitting it to people but he's deathly afraid of needles and he hates body art. God knows why he puts up with my tattoos and piercings.

Also during these past two months John somehow got me to agree to marrying him. I don't know how. Like I've said, I've been so out of it and not myself for the past two months, loosing my mind more and more each day.

Which led to my excessive drinking. I don't really drink that much but I started drinking more and more and passing out each night from it. Only to find myself tucked into a bed the next morning, John sitting in a chair watching me.

Drinking helped me cover up my problems. When I drank it helped push back the thought of knowing I've hurt Frank, that this wasn't at all what I wanted and that I wasn't happy. It helped push John away, let him know when I wanted my space.

But as long as I had his ring on my finger, he was always around. His ring on top of Frank's.

Yes, I still wore that damn thing. No matter what I did, I couldn't take it off for anything. I slept with it, couldn't shower with it of course, but it never came off.

Because I did remember, I could never forget and I would always love.

I love Frank, I really honest to god do. There's a logical explanation as to why when John forced me to pick who I wanted, I picked John.

Regardless, no matter how many bottles of alcohol I consumed, or how I never spoke anymore, never called my friends, never contacted Frank (or him I but I couldn't blame him), I couldn't fathom any reason why.

It was about ... a day into June starting. John had bought me a new sidekick since he took away my old one. I never asked why because I had lost my voice for anyone to hear.

But I didn't really use the one he gave me. I didn't call any of my friends because I couldn't think of speaking to people again. Not after Frank.

Not after I cried for about a week straight. Not after every single suicide thought crossed my mind known to man.

John was at some venue today, we were in Virginia. I didn't go with him because ... well I didn't go anywhere unless I was told. I guess John had just given up fighting with me but I wouldn't know because I haven't been listening.

Well anyway I was in the room staring at the walls, not bothering to open up my bag and get my ipod but would rather stare at the blank walls of the hotel room. It had begun to rain heavily, the thunder rumbling through the walls.

But I didn't feel it.

There was this annoying buzzing coming from John's bag that was starting to irritate me. And it got increasingly louder until I heard my ever familiar Mindless Self Indulgence ring tone coming from my bag.

Somehow, John happened to bring my phone with him everywhere now (for what reason, I am unsure of) and my phone had turned on.

I leaped up from the bed and threw open John's bag, digging around for my phone and found it embedded in his bag for the bathroom with his deodorant and stuff.

But then the ringing stopped.

I flipped open my old sidekick, seeing I probably had a million missed calls. I went through them, not really noticing any of them until I saw Frank's name.

My heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. My blood started running faster and I almost fell down.

Frank had called me?

I had a couple new text messages, some from all sorts of people and I noticed the most recent one was from Frank.

Alliyson I need you to pick up, it read and I gasped.

He wanted to talk to me? I thought he hated me ! I thought he never wanted to talk to me for the rest of his life, wanted me to take a long walk off the shortest cliff.

I put away my old sidekick where I'd found it after getting Frank's number and got my new one and put the number in. I waited for about five minutes, gathering myself and stopping the nervous tears from slipping down my face any longer before calling him.

After about three rings he picked up and asked, "Hello?"

I hung up.

His voice sound so beautiful and calm, like the last time I talked to him. I'd never forget the last thing he told me: Remember.

And I sat there, rubbing my thumb over the ring on my finger, twisting it around and not touching the one John put on me.

I called him back.

"Ugh, hello?," He asked kind of in an annoyed tone.

"Frank? Uh ... it's Alliyson."

Silence.

"Alliyson ...?" He asked and I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me.

"Yeah."

"This isn't your number."

"He took my phone," I replied, not wanting to say John's name.

"Then how'd you get my number ... to call back?"

"I found it because ... it was ringing."

More Silence.

"Al ..," He started but I cut him off.

"I'm sorry Frank," I blurted out randomly. I palmed myself in the face. Was that the best I could come up with?!

"Alliyson ..," He began again but I once again cut him off. I was so fucking rude.

"Frank I'm so sorry !," I spluttered out, starting to cry. Oh boy. "I never meant for any of this to happen and you know the last thing I ever meant to do was hurt you and you know how much I care about you and I don't know what why I picked him I was just so afraid and terrified and I didn't want him to hurt you or myself and I didn't know what to do and I just flipped out and I chose him so he'd leave but he didn't, you did instead and oh my god I don't even know if I believe in god I'm so sorry Frank .."

I continued crying but Frank started ... what was that? Laughing? He was fucking laughing?

"Alliyson, I don't care."

What the hell !

"Frank I said I was sorry I mean ..," I began again, hot tears slipping down my face onto the carpet to meet with the rest of them.

"What I mean is, that's not what I care about right now. I'm just happy to hear your voice, I don't even care if you're sorry or not," He admitted and I smiled slightly.

I haven't smiled in two months.

"Frank ..."

"I don't know if you know this but I love you."

"Frank," I cried some more, no longer caring if I was crying or not.

"I don't know if I'll ever understand why you picked John over me, probably the result of loving you. Do you have any idea how much I love you? How agonizing it was not talking to you, or coming in contact with you for ..."

"Two months."

"Two months. I miss your laugh Alliyson, I miss your stupid little smirk. I miss your tempting, sexy lips. Fuck, I just miss you," He concluded and I sighed contently.

"I missed you the minute you walked out the door."

He chuckled lightly and then sighed. "Wow, I haven't had a genuine laugh for so long."

"I know how you feel."

"God I miss you ...," He repeated and started breathing slower, and more shallow.

That's when I realized he was crying.

"It hurt so much," He choked out and I felt my heart break. "It hurt so much when I left. I thought you used me ! And that you didn't love me at all."

"It's not like that at all Frank," I managed to reply, feeling the tears come back.

"I know but oh my god ..."

"Frank," I cried, fearing his response to the next three words.

"What?" He spluttered, stopping himself from continuing to listen to me.

I sighed softly. "I love you."

Frank started laughing, his hiccuping girl laugh very loudly and I found myself chuckling. God how I missed his laugh.

"And boy do I love you too."

"Frank there's more ..," I said sadly, looking down at my hand.

"What?" He asked, fear evident in his voice.

"I'm supposed to get married."

I heard him gulp. "To ... to ... to ...?"

"Yes. I don't know how it happened cause honestly, I've been so out of it since you left. But apparently I'm engaged to be married to him."

Frank sighed and I started to cry.

"Frank, I don't want to ...," I stuttered, feeling my heart continue to break.

"I know ... it'll be all right. Where are you?"

"John's got a show tonight so I think we're in Virginia. Hes been bringing me around with him, to keep watch on me."

"I'll come get you, I'm only in Jersey."

"No !," I exclaimed.

"And why not? We can just leave Alliyson and I don't know, we'll just go somewhere. You have no idea how much I really don't care what we have to do, as long as you're with me."

"I'll deal with this myself Frank. I promise you this time, it'll all work out."

"You promise...,"He repeated and then sighed. "I'll wait for you Alliyson. God knows why but I'll wait for you."

"Frank ..."

"Look I've got to go all right?," He muttered and I said a quick 'okay.'

"Alliyson?." Frank asked.

"Yeah?"

"You'll call me when you've got it all worked out?," He requested.

"Yes Frank."

"Babe I love you so much okay? Don't forget that."

"I never will because I love you too."