Pop! Goes My Sanity

The dry, heavy air pressed against my open eyes. The once blue iris’s twanged with the feeling of billowing desert sand. Despite the pain of it, despite the harsh reality that licked the surface of my barren vision, I could not close them.

They were fixated on one thing, the one thing they always drove after.

The balloon before me.

It bounced, floated; gently and playfully tapped against the walls and floors. It mocked me, condescendingly laughing at me from the depths of its air-filled bowels.

It was pink today.

PINK

I felt like I was floating above the cushioned booth, reminiscing in a livid dream; the perfect date within the walls of a shabby restaurant. It was inexpensive, a little grungy…but it was perfect. Perfect for us as a unit, though perhaps not perfect if the vision of beauty sitting before me was alone; she was a chef hat quality.

She smiled. Fuck I loved that smile. Her black hair that casually draped over her shoulders stood in contrast to her bright pink lipstick, which lined her pearly white teeth. Fuck I loved her smile.

“Corey stop staring,” she laughed, oh god she could laugh; it lifted me right up, higher above anything else. Her hand moved in an elegant, sweeping motion; resting on top of mine beside the empty chip bowl.

“Corey say something,” she chuckled; she knew me too well, she knew I was lost in my own mind where she was the sole beautifully catastrophic enigma.

“I love you,” I gushed; she laughed again, shaking her head.

“You tell me that every five minutes,” she pointed out, squeezing the top of my hand gently. I twisted my arm so our palms were facing, our fingers entwining around each other.

“It’s true though,” I whispered, my heart racing with fleeting moments of absolute passion. They painfully pumped one after the other. I love you, I love you, I love you; they beat.

“I know, I love you too,” she replied, leaning slowly towards me; the anticipation of her lips touching mine sending ripples of thrills down my spine.

I was chocking, shockingly unable to breathe. My hands were around my throat, gripping; rippling with screaming nerves. I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

The air came, a gasp; another one. I was released, my chest rising and falling heavily. I felt my calloused finger tips against my skin. I let my hands drop.

Before me the balloon bounced up and down on the end of the bed, like a bouncy ball. Up and down, up and down. It was in slow motion; it was jeering at me. My head bobbed along with it as my nails dug deep into my skin.

Today it was blue.

BLUE

The music pounded against my ears, I registered that there was cheering surrounding us, but my focus was solely, irrevocably on her. She was smiling like she always did, her face burst with creases of happiness as she sat on the chair in front of me, holding her leg out; waiting for my approach. I took her in, the white dress, the makeup she didn’t need; her perfectly constructed hair.

Here she sat in front of me, my new bride; waiting for me.

One step forward and with a bent knee, I kneeled in front of her; wiggling my eyebrows playfully. Cat calls and whistles stung my ears; I enjoyed the moment but wished for privacy, that it was just us in this reception hall. That I could take her right here and now.

“Come on Corey!” a voice fluttered in. With a wink and a smile I ran my hands up her extended leg, softly caressing her milky skin until I reached her thigh and the little blue band around it. She laughed, shuddering at my touch.

Wrapping my fingers slowly under the elastic, I pulled it down and off her leg, holding it up in triumph above my head. The cheers around me were louder this time as I stood up, turning around to face the sea of expectant faces.

“Here you go fuckers,” I called, flinging it into their midst. As their bodies jumped towards it I turned back around, helping my bride to her feet. She smiled, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek. Snaking my arms around her small waist, I drew her into me; holding her as tightly as I could; breathing in her scent.

“Oh Mrs Taylor, you fox,” I moaned playfully.

“Oh Mr Taylor, you pathetic romantic,” she giggled back, leaning into towards my lips.

I screamed as my forehead crashed against the cold metal bars. One time, two times, three times. It ached; my skull screaming along with me, begging me to stop the pounding, to put an end to it all.

My chest rose and fell heavily from the ferocious activity, my head spun, vision blurring as I fell back; landing on the hard floor. I bit my lip, scrunching up my fists into tight balls; trying now to hold in the screams; to contain the wrath, the pain, solely inside me.

I looked up at the bars; a balloon was quivering away on the other side of them; like it was tied to them; fighting against a harsh wind that tried to set it free. It was playing games with me, amused by the fact that I was here and it was there.

Today it was orange.

ORANGE

I lay on the bed above the covers, naked, watching her curvaceous form sway in front of me; moving around the room in search of something. Sweat glistened on her smooth skin; it was a combination of both of us, left as testament of our previous intimate endeavour.

She opened the cupboard door, the image of her standing there, arms wide open and holding onto the door handles was enough to make me groan; to want her again. She glanced back at me, seeing the ecstasy on my face she smiled, shaking her head; turning back to the cupboard.

Stepping forward she ran her hands over the clothes, stopping every now and then on an item before continuing. I sat up, an effort to rid myself of desire as she pulled out a decaying orange jumpsuit – one of my numerous old ones. Fuck, I couldn’t remember the last we’d worn it on stage.

“Can I wear this?” she asked, holding it up against her body. Desire struck me tenfold, just the thought of her bare skin pressing against something that I too had worn, something that had been against my bare skin as well – was almost too much.

“You’re going as me for Halloween?” I asked, pressing my legs together I held in the urge to leap forward and drag her back onto the bed.

“No silly, I’ll go as an evil clown,” she said, rolling her eyes at me. I shrugged, nodding to let her know that it didn’t bother me: what’s mine was hers. She smiled, clapping her hands in excitement as she rushed forward to plant thanks on my lips.

My nail tore, bending back it lifted, ripping from my skin as I continued to claw at the wall; at the spot in the concrete I couldn’t get out. The nail fell to the floor; blood began to gather at the open wound, leaving trails behind on the grey cement as I continued my plight.

Scratching, itching for an exit. The damn spot wasn’t moving, it wasn’t going anywhere. FUCK YOU SPOT, I roared; raging, working harder to get it out. I felt another nail starting to lift, tear away from me.

I desired the pain, the feeling of anything real. I wanted punishment; I wanted harsh reality over the crazy mess in my head.

My eyes masked the truth, telling me I was succeeding. The wall began to break away, a large crack rippling its way up from my touch. Small pieces disintegrated, falling away, leaving a small hole. I hunched over, pressing my face against the barrier confining me.

On the other side was a balloon highlight by a single spot light – dancing away with delight at its predicament. Taunting me with its vitality.

Today it was red.

RED

We walked out of the party shop, hand in hand, down the busy street filled with squealing children and adults with permission to act like children for just one night. She skipped along beside me, gleeful at the events planned ahead. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her; even with the caked on, absurd make up, I could still see her perfect form – envision her shaped, deity-like face.

In her free hand she held a bouquet of balloons, all different colours; a simple addition to enhance her outfit. She was riveted at tonight’s prospects, at spending time spooking with close friends. I was simply riveted with the idea of her happiness; the chance to see her face full of life.

I loved her more than I had ever loved anything, more than I valued my existence or anybody or anything else’s. She made me want to breathe, just to be wrapped in her aura.

I thought exactly this when we heard a car screeching, rubber sliding against gravel; a car horn; screaming; panic ensued around us.

I turned to see the headlights.

I turned to see the headlights just as they connected with our bodies; just as I did my best to throw her away from the oncoming metal.

Together, my arms wrapped around her and keeping us that way; we flew into the air. Up and out like rag dolls, straight into a brick wall.

We were followed by that car. It followed us right into that wall.

There wasn’t much else to remember, but we were facing each other when the final blow came.

I was on my knees, pleading; begging for it to stop; to end. I rocked back and forth, shaking my head over and over again. END, END, END. My mind repeated over and over again. END, END, END.

I knew I was at the end of my tether, that I could not take another moment of this life – that breathing wasn’t worth the effort; that existence was worse than death.

I held my breath.

I kept holding.

My chest started to hurt from the tension, from the build-up. A fuzzy blanket swam over my body, chillingly soothing. My head dropped, chin against chest. This was it.

I made one last effort to look up, to say goodbye to my surroundings.

And like it always was, it was there; right in front of me, daggling away on a non-existent string.

I stifled a cry, watching it expand and contract in front of me – like it was breathing – like it was stealing my life away!

I gasped.

I failed.

The air came rushing in, filling my lungs with what I considered to be no better than black smog.

I cried out, this wasn’t how it was supposed to be! I wasn’t supposed to be in a confined madness.

Anger filled me; I blamed my captivity on the thing before me.

With a shout I leapt forward, pouncing on the black balloon. For the first time ever I actually touched it, I actually got a hold of it.

It burst underneath me.

I woke up, wrapped under white bed sheets; strangled by a mass of cords coming out of me. My nose, my arm, my leg. I tried to yell, confused and scared by how I found myself. Nothing came out; my throat was dry; cracked as if unused for years.

There was movement around me, I could feel it. My eyes adjusted to the harsh bright light above…

And there she was; golden in her form; smiling; over the moon. Un-believability cast over her features.

“Corey!” she exclaimed, her hands shaking as she stroked my face. “Oh thank god you’re here!”

“What? Where am I?” I tried, small squeaks the only thing escaping my lips.

“Shh don’t try to talk. You’re safe, you’re here…I love you,” she cooed, placing both hands solidly on either of my cheeks.

“I love you too,” I mouthed; not caring where I was or how I got here, simply in bliss at being in her presence once more. Simply glad I wasn’t left with my mind anymore.