Don't Expect Me to Understand

I’d been staying on Of Mice’s bus with Austin (my boyfriend) for around two weeks when it first started.

Every morning I’d throw up. Every hour, I had to pee. And whenever anything came into contact with my boobs, on purpose or accidentally, they hurt like hell, as if they were covered in bruises. I was becoming increasingly cranky and irritable with the boys.

I didn’t know why all of this was happening.

But there was a small, nagging voice in a secluded corner of my brain that was telling me that yeah, I did know.

So I broke down.

I decided not to go to Jaime, Mike or even Alan or Vic for help because it was just too risky and I didn’t want to get them all worked up over some little worry-wart thought of mine that might not end up being true anyways. I walked about a half mile down the road from the venue to a gas station, bought the thing in that godforsaken tiny pink box along with a giant bottle of water, then walked back.

Needless to say, when I returned to Of Mice’s bus, I had to pee really really bad. Thankfully, everyone was gone, so I could do the thing in peace.

Do the thing meaning take a pregnancy test.

So I went into the tiny bathroom in a bus far from home and peed on a little stick that held the potential to change my entire life. And then I waited.

Sure enough, there it was. A little pink +, right in the middle, smacking me in the face.

It had to be wrong, I had to have messed up or something.

But I knew it was correct, it was true.

And in that moment, I, Zoe Green knew I was pregnant, and I, Zoe Green, broke down in tears.

{•••}

During PTV’s set (remember I still sung in one of their songs), Tony was giving me the death stare from on stage, and I was acting like he didn’t even exist. Healthy relationship right? Hah no.

I came out on stage for my verse in Hold On Till May feeling extremely nervous. I felt like everybody knew about the thing. And Tony’s childishness didn’t help to brighten my mood at all.

I looked him dead in the eye and rubbed my tummy as I sang my part.

If you were me, you’d do the same.
Cause I can’t take any more,
I’ll pull the shades and close the door.
Everything’s not alright, and I would rather....

I bowed and promptly left the stage.

The last song of their set, normally King For a Day, was changed. They played Caraphernelia instead.

Sunshine, there ain't a thing that you can do that's gonna ruin my night.
But, there's just something about
This dizzy dreamer and her bleeding little blue boy.
Licking your fingers like you're done and,
You've decided there is so much more than me.
And baby, honestly it's harder breathing next to you, I shake.
I brought a gun and as the preacher tried to stop me.
Hold my heart it's beating for you anyway.

What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole.

Was this Tony’s version of an apology? He’s gonna need more than that after what he did. I ran back onstage, taking Jaime’s mic from it’s stand and singing along with Vic.

Nobody prays for the heartless.
Nobody gives another penny for the selfish.
You're learning how to taste what you kill now.
Don't mind me, I'm just reaching for your necklace.
Talking to my mom about this little girl from Texas.

Tony and I stared at each other dead-on and practically yelled the chorus at each other, him looking pissed and me probably looking close to tears with my hand protectively over my belly.

What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
None of the colors ever light up anymore in this hole.

It was just him alone on the next part, yelling his little heart out to no one in particular.

Just give her back to me.
You know I can't afford the medicine that feeds what I need.
So, baby, what if I can't forget you?
I'd better learn to live alone.

And then it was just me, him, and the little sea monkey hiding under my shirt.

What's so good about picking up the pieces?
What's so good about, What's so good about,
What's so good about picking up the pieces?