Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

Kevin POV

I heard something had happened to Raven. I blamed myself. Why did I have to be so cruel to her? It was my entire fault, all of my fault. I heard something about falling through a window and some scruffy outsider raped her and beat her. She was in the hospital now. I wanted to visit her, yet I knew that if I did, I would be punished severely and I couldn't stand that. I had to be perfect. I had to remember what I was until Raven came along and allowed the side of sin to come out. I kicked myself for caring.
The school had enough respect to not cry out in jubilant but I knew that they wanted to. It was all too obvious, Susan came over to me, and to my disgust propped her on my lap. I tried shifting uncomfortably but Susan took that as a sign that I was excited when I was the complete opposite. She giggled into my ear and told me that she would solve that later. I nearly threw up. The only person who I would ever let solve that was Joshua. He hated me and was away, so the non existent problem would just have to stay there.
The school day dragged on. Seconds felt like hours and minutes like days. With no one to actually entertain me, and no one who was actually worth staring at; it seemed like a year for the school day to end. Everything seemed to be back to normal. Everything; except for me. I felt like I couldn't concentrate on anything, as I constantly felt like a saw a flash of pink somewhere. I constantly felt like there should be beautiful green eyes somewhere in the room. I constantly felt like; something was missing.
It was then that I realized that the terribly cliche saying of; 'you never know what you have until you have nothing at all' was true. It hit me with such force I could no longer speak. It was my fault I gave myself happiness; it was my fault I allowed myself to experience friendship. It was my fault I didn't stay a rock, and didn't let anyone in. It was all my fault.
Nothing could change the fact that I had brought all of this upon myself. Nothing. Not Raven's beautiful smile, not her imperfect perfection, not Joshua, nothing. As I walked home alone for the first time in a long time, I felt tears streaming down my face. Even the fact that I was still capable of emitting tears was a wonder to me. I missed her. I didn't know what happened to her, well I did, but I doubted that, that was the truth. I didn't really know what the truth was any longer. I no longer knew what God was. I stepped into my house and shut the door silently. I vowed not to let another person who knocked on my door to let them in.
I yawned and rubbed my tear stained eyes; today was a long day. I heard the soft low ring of the telephone. I shuffled along to reach it. I picked it up and yawned before answering.
"Hello, Kevin speaking."
The person on the other line cleared their throat. "Hey Kevin."
It was Raven. Something inside of me told me to hang up, but, I was safe for now. I padded up to my room and shut the door. I perched myself on my white ironed bed and sighed. "How're you?"
I heard chatter on the other end of the line and laughter, then Raven shushed who ever was in the background and once again spoke. "Oh, I have a minor concussion, bruises and several stitches in my back. Its not that bad."
I nodded although she couldn't see me. I whispered into the telephone, "I'm sorry."
I heard a frown in her voice. "Sorry for what?"
I sighed deeply. "For being what I am."
There was silence on the other end of the line. For a moment it was like this; me staring at a white wall, listening to silence. Then I heard whispers come from the other end of the line. And a giggle which sounded like some one was getting-
I heard her speak up, breathless, "For being perfect?"
I whispered incredibly quietly, "For trying to be perfect."
Raven scoffed on the other line, "You are perfect Kev-Kev."
I got angry; she wasn't allowed to judge my perfection. "I. Am. Not. Perfect."
I heard another giggle. "Well, maybe not to you. But, to me you are."
I blushed suddenly and bit my lip. She then spoke up once again. "Kevin, you don't need perfection, all you need is your friends."
I felt my throat constrict and my hair fell into my eyes. Softly I whispered into the receiver. "I don't have any."
With that I hung up.
I curled up into a ball and cradled the phone in my lap. I had no one. It was me against the world. From the sounds of things Raven had left me; abandoned me. I doubted that she would actually do that, but, something in me felt Raven slipping away from me. I heard the phone ring once again in my lap. I clicked talk.
"Hello?" I mentally slapped myself for being so rude.
"It's Joshua."
My heart flipped a thousand times. Heat crept up my neck. Still in the state of what I was; I was incredibly hot for Joshua. I smiled slightly. "Yes?"
"I don't know what your fucking problem-"
He was cut off when the phone was snatched away from him. I heard something being thrown and I felt confusion creep up and around me. I heard an unknown voice begin to talk to me. "Don't mind Josh, he's a complete dick."
I was silent when I heard some form struggle go on in the background. Suddenly the line went dead and I looked at the phone in complete confusion. What did that mean? I heard the front door slam, and I knew my mother was home. I should pretend to be sick, because at the moment I didn't like living. At the moment I didn't like breathing. At the moment I hated loving.
Softly I heard my mother step into my room. My face was turned to the wall of my bedroom. I shook. I couldn't stop shaking; why couldn't I stop shaking? I felt a tender hand be placed on my shoulder and I felt repulsed. She didn't even care. I heard a murmur of words and my door was closed once again. I curled further into a ball. I just wanted this all to stop. I was alone. I had no one.
They never tell you that you could die of loneliness; of complete and utter helplessness. What was I? What would I ever become? They never tell you that there comes a point in your life were you don't want to continue living; you don't want to continue seeing. The image of Raven hurt me. It hurt me. I could hardly stand the hurt. I could hardly stand her laughter.
I was glad that she seemed to be more complete. I was glad everything was back to normal. Yet I dreaded it as well, I hated the way it was, I hate it more than before. I stepped out of bed; I still had my shoes on. I went into the bathroom and felt sick. I looked in the mirror. I looked at what I was, what I had become. I hated the perfection of it all. I sat in the corner and felt like crying. I couldn't seem to cry, I couldn't seem to care. I couldn't seem to live.
I wanted to die.
I hated it all.
Where was Gods sympathy?
I clenched my fists. One of the greatest sins was to commit suicide, and, no, I didn't want to end up in hell. Although I was sure to, I was sure to. I was such a sinner.

--

Raven once again was absent from school; my heart fell. Joshua had returned to school. His face was dark and moody. As I walked down the hallway to find some form of solitary I heard someone following. My heart fell; not another one following me. I turned around with a scowl on my face. But there was Joshua following me some sort of determination on his face. I stopped and let him catch up with me. He walked in step with me and looked at me out of the corner of his eye.
I shifted uncomfortably. He noticed this and pulled me into an abandoned bathroom. He sat me down and sat in front of me. I looked down at my lap. He shifted and I lifted my gaze to look at him. He cleared his throat. "Raven asked me to talk to you."
I nodded and really, really didn't want to know what about. He looked at me from behind his hair. Suddenly he blurted out, "You're a fucking prick."
My eyes grew large and a stared at him. Raven wanted him to tell me that? His face remained stony and he fiddled with his dark hair. "Why did you have to be such a dick to her?"
I opened my mouth as if to speak but he cut me off. "You don't even care."
Anger flared inside of me. My eyes narrowed and I clenched my fists. "You don't know shit."
He stared at me with a blank face. I shifted. "Don't pretend you know anything that goes on in my life."
He scoffed. "You know what you are? You're a fucking unhappy rich kid. You don't know shit. You don't know what Raven has gone through, you don't know how much pain she has gone through, and you just about broke her."
I felt tears gather in my eyes. I knew that it was my fault that Raven was in the hospital. I sniffed quietly. Joshua had heard me and stared at me for a second with a confused expression. I stared up at him with blank and emotionless eyes. "I know; its all my fault."
I walked by him and walked out of the bathroom. The halls were silent and I cursed myself for being late for class. I walked in my class, religion, and all heads turned to stare at me. I smiled and walked up to the teacher. "I'm sorry I'm late."
The religion teacher looked up and smiled. She nodded and I went to sit down. I busied myself with opening my binder when I heard the door being opened once again. My face turned to confusion; Joshua wasn't in this class.
"Welcome back Raven."
Another girl accompanied Raven to her seat, which was the desk next to me. I stared at Raven. She seemed different. Happier. She seemed not to care as much. The girl with her looked at me and whispered something in Ravens ear. Raven smiled and whispered something back. They giggled and the teacher frowned at them. I felt so relieved that Raven was okay. The teacher cleared her throat to catch the attention of the class which had erupted into whispers. Silence.
"Alright girls and boys, you will be working independently on the question; what role does God have on our society. And what happens to the heathens that have no faith what so ever."
I heard the girl with Raven snort and roll her eyes. Raven giggled and poked the other girl in the ribs. The burst into laughter and the entire class stared at them with horrified expressions. Raven and the girl looked at each other, yet did not care. I bent down over my work. I couldn't seem to think of what to write. I had to think of something to write. The reverend would be incredibly unhappy with me if he found out that I would be potentially failing religion.
I closed my eyes and shuddered. I felt a pair of eyes on me and saw Raven looking at me sadly. Her eyes weren't filled with sympathy; rather, empathy. I was startled. She seemed to know what was going on, when I didn't even really know what was going on. She bit her lip and sucked on one of her snakebites. She turned back to the other girl and the seemed to be drawing picture stories on the page in front of them.
Once again I felt my eyes well up in desperation. I didn't know what to write. Because of this; I would pay. I had to seem strong for perfection sakes. I saw some of my other classmates stare at me for a second. I turned and smiled everyone with my winning smile. They immediately were relived and went back to work, smiling and laughing amongst one another. I stared back down at my page and felt Raven looking at me again. She shook her head slightly, and it seemed her eyes were wet.
I was confused by this. Why would she be crying? Then suddenly it hit me. She was crying because she was letting me go. She had given up. I stared down at the blank page. I had given up a long time ago. There was nothing left to live for without Raven. There was one thing that I tried to grasp onto to keep myself going; Joshua.