Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

I was going to go to the city with Joshua today. Even the thought of that my heart sped up and I felt something unfamiliar bubble in my stomach. I gulped as I made my way down my stairs and into the kitchen. All I had left to do was ask my mother.
"Mother" I began.
She turned from were she was wiping down the counter. "Yes dear?"
I shuffled and bit my lip. "Can I go into the city with Joshua?"
Her eyebrows immediately knit together and she frowned. "Joshua"
I nodded. "The reverends son."
Her mouth turned down and she turned back to the counter. "Oh, I don't think you should associate yourself with such people Kevin. I think it be best you stay home and pray."
I felt the feeling of confidence vanish. I felt the feeling of happiness vanish. I felt tear once again gather in my eyes. I needed to go. Didn't she understand this? I must of have made a noise because she turned to me. She walked towards me with an expression filled with compassion. "Oh darling"
I looked down at her. "Please mother?"
She must have had an ongoing battle in her mind because her eyes flicked around. She sighed. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt"
I smiled brightly and kissed her on the cheek. "Thank you so much Mother. Thank you."
I skipped up my room and heard my mother giggle. That sound nearly made me stop in my tracks. How long ago was it that my mother had laughed, or smiled? I quickly rid the thought out of my mind and walked into my room to find Miley perched on my bed with Susan in deep discussion. I grinned from ear to ear to them and they clapped. I giggled and walked into the bathroom. I didn't bother looking in the mirror because I knew what would stare back at me.
I got changed as quickly as I could and walked out of the front door. Joshua stood impatiently in front of my house. When he saw me he smiled and tugged on my hand. I carefully wrestled my hand from his grasp and he looked at me. I hung my head slightly.
"Sorry."
He shook his head and smiled. We walked side by side with our hands occasionally brushing against one another to the bus stop. Once we were there Joshua hopped from one foot to the next. I stared at him with an amused expression. He pouted at me.
"What?"
I grinned and looked away. He bit his lip and tugged me on the bench next to him. I sat with my hands folded in my lap and I looked down at them. He turned his head at me.
"Are you ashamed of me?"
I looked up with big eyes; how could he think that? "No, no"
He sighed. "Then what is it?"
I shook my head and looked him honestly in the eyes. "It's not about you." It's about me. But I didn't say it. It was about my perfection. I cursed myself for the obsession. Joshua skipped his fingers across his hurt hand.
We stared at it for a bit. "How is it?"
He looked up. "Mm, it hurts."
I nodded and traced my fingers lightly over the swelling. "I hope it gets better."
I surprised myself at my sudden confidence towards Joshua. He however, was not. He traced a heart on my leg. "I hope you get better."
My breath was caught in my throat and I was speechless. Joshua tugged me up as the bus had arrived. It was near to empty so Joshua led me to the back of the bus. I slid in next to the window and Joshua slid in the seat next to me. He lent over and whispered in my ear. "We're the only ones on this bus."
I blushed at the implications of what he had just said. He grinned at my reaction and kissed my cheek softly. I shuddered and had the sudden urge to kiss him. His green eyes looked at me; smiling. I lowered my lips to his and kissed him softly. I pulled away and heard him whine. I giggled to which he smiled widely. The bus stopped in another larger town before the city to let on passengers. I didn't know these people getting on nor did they know me.
A boy with a large hockey jersey and a girl with a high dark pony tail got on the bus. They sat on the seat in front and diagonal from us. I felt Joshua stiffen and he seemed to turn instantly cold. I took another look at the boy and girl. They were sneering at us.
The boy turned and his face was twisted in an ugly expression. "Hey faggot."
I felt myself shrink into myself as I thought he was talking to me. I looked down; ashamed. Joshua glared at the boy. "Burn in hell Devin."
I looked up; surprised. Joshua knew this boy? Evidently so because the boy sniggered. "Oh Joshua, I'm surprised you didn't get off at this stop for your weekly fuck."
My heart stopped beating. Would Joshua do something like that? My expression was frozen in place and I couldn't believe my ears. Joshua rolled his eyes. "Fuck off, stop pretending you know me or what I do."
Devin sneered. "But I remember that time"
Joshua clenched his fists and ground his teeth, "That was once."
Devin and the girl next to him laughed. Joshua narrowed his eyes and was about to say something when the bus got to the city. The girl and Devin got off and we soon followed. I walked silently next to Joshua; I didn't know what to say. I wasn't good at making people feel better and that's what it seemed that Joshua needed. He led me through an elaboration of streets and alley ways, many which frightened me before he halted in front of a grimy run down store. Joshua entered with purpose. I followed close behind.
Joshua slammed his fist down on the counter with money curled up in his fist. A middle aged man turned around and gave us a toothless grin. His yellow teeth were stained and rotting and his white frazzled hair was stuffed under a beanie. The man chuckled and handed Joshua a packet of cigarettes. Joshua thanked the man and then again led me back through all these alley ways and into a small secluded park with small children swinging and enjoying themselves on the playground. Joshua led me to a park bench and sat down. I stayed were I was; staring at the children.
They were all so innocent. There was a little boy running around and pulling all the girls hair. I saw one girl screech and run away laughing. The boy followed her and chased her around the park also laughing gaily. He caught her and grabbed her small arm. She stuck her tongue out at him and he tickled her. I closed my eyes to stop myself from thinking how I would have reacted to that. I would have screamed, I would have cried, I would have broken down like any five year old could.
"Kevin!"
I turned my head towards Joshua who had lit a cigarette and was perched on the bench with his knees drawn up to his chin. His grin was lopsided and he had seemed to have no more tension. If only I was the one that had done that. I pulled my sleeves over hand and walked with my head down to Joshua.
Joshua pouted at me and pulled me down so that I sat next to him. He put out his cigarette and played with my pocket. I looked down at my lap and he poked my leg. I turned my face towards him. His eyes were serious.
"Why won't you look at me?"
I bit my lip. "I don't want you to see me."
He raised his eye brow. "But I want to see you."
I shook my head. "No you don't."
His face was clouded with confusion. His eyes narrowed. I felt myself shrink back into my shell. Joshua's face instantly relaxed. His face softened and he took the hem of my shirt in his fingers. "Don't be like that Kevin."
My expression was cold when I looked up at him from my lap. "Don't be like what? Don't fucking be like what?"
His carefree expression vanished from his face and his eyes stared back at me numbly. "Why do you have to be so... so... negative and scared?"
I clenched my teeth. "Maybe Joshua, maybe, it's because I was made that way. Do you think I like being how I am?"
I stared coldly in his face. Fuck, why wasn't I perfect? Why couldn't I keep moments, or thoughts like these to my self? I deserved everything he gave to me. Every hit, every thrust I felt my self go dizzy. I looked down at my lap and tried to clear my head. I didn't want to think about him. I didn't want to. Joshua stared at me with a cold expression.
Time seemed to stop for me. Joshua licked his lips before speaking, "Why won't you let me help?"
My confidence waned. "Help with what?"
Joshua shook his head. "Why won't you let me in?"
I stared straight in his eyes. "Because I don't like letting myself in."
Joshua sat there for a while. Suddenly he got up and pulled me to my feet. He pulled on my wrist and led me out of the park. He led me into a public bathroom and pulled me into a stall and shut the door. I shifted from one foot to the other nervously. Suddenly he pushed me up against the stall door. His hand rested on my shoulder. He stared into my eyes and I seemed to be captivated by them. I didn't look away or close my eyes as Joshua slowly pressed his lips to mine. We stared into each others eyes as our mouths seemed to meld together.
He pulled away and looked down at the ground. "I want you to try Kevin."
His words nearly broke my heart. How could I try? I was afraid to try. I stared at him helplessly. He kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear. "Don't be afraid. I'm going to be there."
He pulled back and I shook my head. "How can you promise something like that?"
He grinned evilly and roughly pressed his lips to mine. My eyes fluttered close and I felt his tongue flick against the entrance of my mouth. I felt myself melting melting. I weakly opened my mouth for his tongue to explore. My tongue flicked out of his tongues way and it soon became a game. He pulled back and we were both breathless and panting. He grinned.
He stepped back from me and I pulled him back towards me by his waist. I placed a quick kiss on his lips without thinking and he pressed himself against me so that our noses were centimeters apart. I felt his breath all over my face and I shivered.
He smiled and I giggled. His smile turned into a grin. "I love making you do that."
I was a bit confused. "Do what?"
"Making you happy."
I raised my eyebrows. "That wasn't corny."
He pouted. "But it's true."
I stuck my tongue out at him and he seemed slightly startled.
Suddenly it seemed he got a burst of energy because he opened the door and flung me out of the stall. I stumbled and finally caught myself. He grinned. "Shopping?"
I nodded.