Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

Kevin's POV

"Leave me to die." I said when my mom tried to get me up to go to school. I just used the remote to turn up the music that was playing.

"Na-na-na-na-na-ne-na I miss you, miss you so bad. I don't forget you. Oh it's so sad. I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly; The day you slipped away. Was the day I found it won't be the same."

All I ever wanted to do was lay in bed and cry, in the shirt Joshua bought me and smell the pillow he slept on. "I didn't get around to kiss you, goodbye on the hand. I wish that I could see you again-I know that I can't. I hope you can hear me, 'cause I remember it clearly; The day you slipped awa-" My music stopped playing and I sat up to see Raven. "That song's about someone's who died." She said and I fell back onto the bed. He might as well be dead.

"Get your ass up or I'll kill you." She said with a smile on her face I rolled out of bed and onto the floor, it hurt and I didn't even care. I needed to be perfect again so Joshua would love me. I need to be...perfect for Joshua. I stood straight up and ran into the bathroom. "YEAH You get excited about education!" Raven said sarcastically and walked out of my room. I took a cold shower, I needed to slip back into my old routine. Except change it so Joshua would love me again and no one else. I didn't even care about hell or anything at the moment. I would happily get raped like the heathen I was forever if it meant Joshua was all mine.

When I got out of the shower I pulled on my boxers and the shirt Joshua had bought for me, not even caring that it smelled of tears and stale from me wearing it since yesterday. Yes, tears smell.

"RAVEN!" I screamed and she ran into the bathroom. "WHAT?!" She screamed in alarm and I slouched down, sure I looked hopeless. "Make me pretty so he'll want me." I said and Raven smiled sympathetically and got to work fixing my hair, put make up on me, and then made me wear a black pair of her pants. "You need a belt." She said when I was wearing her old shoes. It's a good thing I don't eat barely ever or else I would be way too fat to fit into any of these clothes. Raven threw me a belt made entirely of the type of chain you see on dog tags and old-fashioned bottle caps.

I put it on as she instructed and then walked over to the full-length mirror. I looked...like I was Joshua's other half. I knew he would think I was pretty-I almost thought I was pretty. It this was any other person in the world besides me looking like this then people would swoon as they walked the street but not me, I was still in my own skin. What a disadvantage.

My hair was...unexplainable. It had grown out some and Raven had slicked it down in the front, over my eyes, and in the back she cut it some and then messily spiked it to go everywhere, the dark circles around my eyes were covered by the...dark circles Raven had made with make up, putting a tiny bit of purple eyeshadow along the black and my shirt was perfect, along with the pants and the end result was something I was praying would make Joshua look at me.

Make him want me again.

I grabbed my iPod on my way out and walked in sync with Raven, she was holding my hand and I was listening to I Miss You again, I don't care if it's about someone dieing. My love has died. It died somewhere along the lines of me not being perfect and Joshua trying so hard to make me understand that was okay.

Joshua's POV

I needed to talk to Raven, I'm sure she would help me but she was holding hands with the new kid. How come she instantly knows everyone who comes here when I don't know half the people here and I, have lived here since birth. I guess it's because I don't want to know the fucking pussies that live here.

But the new kid, the new kid was hot. I walked over to him and Raven and tried to smile up at him in a friendly welcome but he had turned around and was walking away. "Yes my heartless cousin?" Raven asked, I rolled my eyes. "Who was that new kid?" I asked and Raven looked confused, "What new kid?" She asked and I looked at her like she was idiot, she was being an idiot right now. "The new kid you were just holding hands with-he's hot." As soon as the words were out of my mouth Raven was giggling.

"What? Is he gay? I could really do to fuck someone right now, I need to get over Kevin's problem ridden ass." The words came out of my mouth before I could think about them but they were true, "Then you don't want to do it with the new kid." Why was she talking to me like I was four and didn't understand anything going on around me. "And why not? He looks gay." I nodded in the direction of where he was sitting against the wall with his knees curled up to him. His arms were wrapped around himself like he was holding himself together and he had closed his eyes, I'm sure he was listening to some super cool song waiting for me to come flirt with him.

"He is gay." Raven said and I smiled, "I'm going to talk to him." I said and ran away from Raven where I plopped down next to the new kid. He jumped and looked at me with saddened eyes and I stared back.

At that second I realized why Raven was treating me like an idiot, there was no new kid there was only Kevin. Beautiful, beautiful Kevin. My Kevin. I could heard the song he was listening to and I grimaced because it was a mushy breakup song but after a second he paused it, with a new look of hope he looked into my eyes with the deepest remorse I've ever seen. "Hi Joshua." He whispered and I just stared at him. My heart melted when I realized he was wearing the shirt I had gotten for him.

Back to Kevin's POV [I'm sorry I switched it so much]

I was desperately hoping Joshua would say something, anything to me. "Why are you dressed like that?" That was the only thing that came to mind. "For you." I whispered again. God I need a voice. "Do it for yourself Kevin and then we'll have something to talk about." He stood up and it was like beach sand slipping through my fingers, no matter what I did he didn't want me. I started crying right there in front of everyone. My heart was shattering, again. I surely thought that a new person would get Josh's attention. I needed him!

He was my fucking everything.

WHY DIDN'T HE UNDERSTAND?!

When the bell rang I got up and walked to computers where Joshua sat next to me and ignored the black lines down my face where the tears had fallen. I ignored them too-who cared? Shane walked in and I smiled weakly at her. She ran over and hugged me, "It'll be okay." She whispered and then went to her seat.

But I knew, much more of this pain would do me in. It wouldn't be okay.

~*~

At lunch time I went to sit with Shane Miley and Susan, Raven was nowhere to be found. Miley was smoking and I would usually take the cigarette from her and put it out but today I took it and tried it myself. I coughed a little but after a few inhales I got the hang of it and I liked the way the rush of tobacco made me slightly dizzy and made my arms feel like they were weighed down. I felt... grounded. When I was done I asked for another one. She gave it to me and I lit it, maybe I couldn't live without Joshua but it didn't look like he was having any trouble without me. He flirted with everyone guy or girl. No one ridiculed him because he had changed back to who he used to be overnight, mean and scary.

I could make him jealous. I could start doing drugs so we'd have something more in common, I could listen to the same music as him. I wouldn't rest until he loved me.

I had seen him go into a house in the city, he hadn't come back out for hours. I wonder if that was his drug dealer. I stood up and walked off, I needed to go to the city-right now.

"Where are you going?!" Shane was running after me, "I dunno." I lied and started to run to the bus station.

~*~

I walked up to the front door of the house and knocked slowly. "Hello!" A little boy answered it and I smiled at him, glad I had washed the tear stains off my face before I got on the bus. He let me in and I followed slowly as he led me into a room where a man was typing on a computer. "Daddy someone's here." The boy said and the man turned around. "Hey son." He said and I just stared at him. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and gave me one, I took it and lit it after he handed me a lighter. "What can I do for you??"

it was at that moment I realized I knew nothing about drugs. "Uhh..I-I-I dunno?" The man laughed and looked me over, "You look familiar." He said and I shrugged. "Okay well c'mere." He led me into a bedroom and closed the door. "Since I'm a nice guy I'll help you out. What are you looking for exactly? Are you bored with your life? Do you wanna lose weight? Did something bad happen?" I nodded at the last one, "See now we're getting somewhere!" He walked over to a door, unlocked it and pulled out a drawer. "I just want the pain to stop." I whispered and the man turned around again.

"What happened?" He asked and I shrugged, "Come on, you can tell me. I listen to crack heads all day I'm sure your problems are listen-able." I smiled and sighed, "I broke up with my boyfriend." The man nodded and laughed, "It's funny you know-one of my regulars just broke up with his boyfriend." I shuddered because I knew he was talking about Joshua. "Yeah...funny." I said and the man closed and locked the door again. "I'm going to show you how to do this so you won't kill yourself because then I'd lose a new client and well can't let that happen." He winked at me and I nodded.

Twenty minutes later I was back on the bus, no more money, a couple weeks supply of shit, and I was on top of the world.

It didn't feel like my heart was shattering so much, I didn't have to hold myself together and I didn't need anyone else at the moment. Thinking about Joshua hurt but right now I just felt good. The man, Charlie, said I could increase my dosages only when he said, he really was a pretty nice man.

I stepped off the bus and walked back towards school where everyone still was since it was only two. I smiled when I saw Joshua and just kept walking. "RAVENNNNN!" I screamed and jumped on her. "Someone's in a good mood." She said and I shrugged, "I'm feeling a little better. Let's make out." I said and tried to kiss her. She laughed but kissed me back until we were on the ground with my tongue in her mouth and she was messing up my hair she had worked so hard on.

I rolled off of her and giggled. "Love you." I said and she rolled her eyes. "I only kissed you because you're gay." She said and I gasped. "I'M AS STRAIGHT AS A CIRCLE!" I giggled and jumped up, running over to Joshua, "Charlie's nice!" I said in a sing-song way and Joshua's mouth opened. "What?!" He stood up and grabbed my arm.

"You're high." It wasn't a question I just smiled at him, "What are you the only one not allowed to feel pain?" I asked and Joshua slapped me, "This hurts me Kevin." He said and I laughed, "Oh I'm sorry everything's not about me, are you alright Joshua? Do you wanna talk about things?" Then I laughed a mean, sarcastic laugh I didn't even know I knew how to do. "No I'm not alright Kevin you're fucking up your life, your future, I love you so fucking much but look what you did just today!! You went and you did drugs because you couldn't handle it." He wasn't yelling at me like before, but his words stung more because of it. He meant the things he was saying.

"Oh yeah Joshua, because only you're allowed to get high when things get too hard? You're a hypocrite I just wanted to have something in common with you I wanted to know how you felt I wanted to see things through your eyes and I wanted you to see me as a new, better person but all you see me as is a fuck up little boy who doesn't care about anyone else right? Well I care about you! I CARE ABOUT YOU!" I screamed and Joshua just stared at me. I hadn't whispered, I hadn't stuttered, I hadn't even cried when I said those things to him. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel pain but the modification of my brain through illegal substances was holding those feelings back.

"I care about you too." He whispered and pecked my lips. They tingled for a second after his lips had been there and I stared blankly at him, "Then why are you doing this to me??" I asked and he shrugged, "Kevin, I have to." He said and walked away, leaving me standing there all alone. It seemed all I ever was anymore was alone.

You know what who cares? Fuck Joshua, I don't need anyone. Ever again.