Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

I opened my eyes and wiped the drool away from my mouth, another dream about Joshua, another night of tossing and turning, and an old nightmare re-awakened.

I sighed and climbed out of bed, there was nothing else for me to do it's not like I could tell my parents, the Reverend, and everyone who looked up to me that I really didn't want to go to the church that afternoon. That I really wanted to go jump off of a cliff. That I kind of considered Raven more of my family after one day then I did anyone else. That I kind of preferred guys to girls. That I kind of hated everything about myself. That I kind of wasn't perfect.

Nope, not going to happen.

I jumped in the shower, cold, I wanted to forget the Reverend's hands snaking their way onto my-
Forget about it.

I washed my body quickly and got out of the shower shaking. I dried off and then pulled my school uniform on. I walked downstairs to the nauseating smell of sausage and fried eggs. My mom had a plate piled with it along with toast, I grimaced as she set it in front of me. "The Reverend says fasting requires one big meal a day so eat up." She said and then walked out the back door.

I stared at the food, taunting me from it's place on the table. I didn't know what to do. Raven said they knew that I threw it into the trash. So I took the plate outside and dumped it under the bush. I took the plate back in and held it under the cold sink water so I could place it in dishwasher.

"KEVIN!" Raven attacked me as soon as I walked out of my front door. I smiled down at her, no matter my mood I had been in before, seeing Raven made me feel a lot better about everything. She made me fell at ease, like the first time in my life I could be myself.

"How did you sleep my dear?" She asked me and I smiled. "I slept alright." I said and she nodded, latching herself away from me. "I didn't sleep a wink I was so worried about you." Raven said, pulling licorice out, it was starting to seem like she went nowhere without candy. "Why would you be worried about me?" I asked and she stopped dead,"Well...uh...because...uh....JOSHIE WAS MEAN TO YOU!" She finally said, I think she was making that up because her answer was prolonged and her face gave her away. "Oh..." I mumbled and she nodded, wrapping her hand around mine.

"My uncle said that you were coming to see him today." She whispered, as if she knew it was a touchy subject with me. I held back the shudder that was threatening to show her just how scared I was, instead I shrugged,"Yeah...I'm on of the favorites." I said trying to sound confident when in all reality I knew I sounded like a scared little boy.

"Where's Joshua?" I tried to ask sounding in indifferent, as if I didn't care-when in all reality it was the only thing that mattered to me.

"He's mad at me." Raven said, chewing thoughtfully on her candy and watching her feet as we walked. "Oh..." I said, wanting to know why he was mad at her and wanting to not show that I wanted to know why.

"He really thinks you think you're better then everyone else and I don't believe it and he won't believe me so we kind of got into an argument." She informed me-I think she knew I needed to know about him. I don't know how she knew but she did. "Oh..." I whispered again and as we rounded the corner to the street of our school she stopped walking and looked up at me. "I love you Kevin." She said, kissing me cheek and letting go of my hand, skipping to school as if she had walked all the way there alone. I watched her as people glared at her and ignored them. It seemed like nothing phased her-I kind of wished I was like that, free and uncaring. Wouldn't it be great to be who I wanted to be?

I walked into the school parking lot and saw Joshua hugging Raven, all was forgiven...I wish he would hug me like that. "Kevin!" I turned around and say Susan in her cheer leading uniform. It was a pleated blue skirt and a white sweater with a blue 'S' in the middle, after all our team name was 'The Saints'. "Hey hun." I said, leaning down and kissing her expecting lips. She expected more when other people were around.

"You're coming to practice today, right?" She asked, wrapping her arm around me and pushing her chest onto my arm, I had to make myself not push her away. "No, actually the Reverend wants to see me." I said, trying to sound proud-not scared.

"Really??" She asked and I nodded. Was it so hard to believe? I am perfect.

"Oh well, then another time then." She said, winking and running over to the rest of the cheerleaders. Raven was looking at me. I turned away and started walking to keyboarding. I knew Mike and Ricky would be waiting for me as always. "Hey man!" Mike used the usual greeting when I got close to them I smiled in acknowledgement. "What's up?" Ricky questioned me, patting me on the back. "Nothing much." I told him, leaning against the wall.

"So what was up with you yesterday?" Mike asked, turning to me. He asked causally but his face showed no signs of there being a possible 'casual answer.' "Oh...I was kind of sick-you know?" I asked and Ricky nodded,"Yeah the devil attacks when we're feeling our weakest." He said, and then hugged me. I hugged him back awkwardly and then they walked away. Off to their own classes.

That was weird.

The bell rang and I opened the door to the classroom, third computer from the right wall all the way in the back. i sat down and turned it on, not waiting for everyone else. Maybe if I seemed like I was busy no one would talk to me. Joshua came in and sat in the same chair that he always sat in and stared up at the whiteboard.

"Where's..Raven?" I asked. He turned me and looked me over and then turned back without answering my question.

She walked in and sat down in between me and Joshua,"Hello dear." She said, turning her computer on. I nodded and typed my username in, and then my password.

"Kevin, psst." Raven whispered a few minutes later, after the bell had rung. "Yeah?" I asked leaning over,"Can you help me?" She asked, smiling sweetly at me. I giggled and her smile grew bigger. I don't know how she gets me to do that...

"Just well you have to type a business letter." I said and she nodded,"About what though?" She asked and I shrugged,"It could really be about anything as long as it's in business letter format." I stated thoughtfully. It could be, I hadn't thought of that when I was doing mine. I got a good grade but I could have done better if I wrote about something that interested me.

"Oh..." She turned back to her computer.

"I think I got transferred into your English class..." Raven said when we were walking in the hallway after first period. "You do?" I asked and she nodded, I had English next. "Come on, you can sit by me then." I said, taking her hand, her eyes lit up and I led her to our next class.

We walked in and Mrs. Ford looked at me, and then raised her eyebrows and then raised her arm in the direction of my seat.

I pulled Raven to the back, I always sat in the back-it was kind of my thing now. "So what are we doing in here anyways?" Raven asked as the room filled up with students, all of them giving me strange looks before sitting down. "We're reading Hamlet." I said and Raven nodded,"Hmm...uh...well that doesn't sound like fun." Raven said and I looked at her, she was truly free, she didn't do anything she didn't want to, that was clear.

~*~

"We have to hide before the villagers come and take you away again!" Raven exclaimed as soon as the lunch bell rang. I giggled and she smiled at me. "You look so much...more...I dunno but it's nice when you laugh." She said, serious, and I looked at her. How could she say something so completely random and then something so serious, and mean it.

"You don't...smile unless you know someone's watching you." Raven said when we got behind the gym. I had almost forgotten about having to see the Reverend in a mere two more hours-almost. "Why are you carting around football players still?" Joshua asked when we sat down. "He's not staying, they're looking for him." Raven told him as if he was retarded. "Oh, well then I'll come back when he leaves." Joshua got up and walked away. Raven pulled out a chocolate bar and broke it in half. "Take a little bite please." She pleaded, holding it out to me. I took it and nibbled, it wasn't half bad but I could think of a million things to make me go and throw it all up.

"I love you!" She exclaimed, launching herself at me, with her arms wrapped around my neck and kissing my cheek.

"You love me because I ate?" I asked and she leaned back a little, her face still mere centimeters away from mine,"Yup." She whispered and then moved away from me. "Eat some more." She whispered, before getting up and running away. I looked at saw all my friends making their way around the corner.

I watched as Raven ran for the corner, she had to run from them. I stood up and put the chocolate in my bag, I would give it back to her later.

"Hey man what are you doing out here again?" Ricky asked and I looked at the ground where Raven's forgotten notebook sat, I picked it-trying not to think about what I was about to do to hide what I really had been doing,"I saw the girl come out here and I was going to read some Bible verses to her, I think this is that heathen's notebook." I said trying to sound like they did-accusing, un-accepting.

"Oh you're so smart Kevin! We can read it and make fun of her until she decides to become normal." Susan urged everyone to see her way of thinking. That's not what I had wanted at all. This was Raven's private notebook and they didn't even care.

Susan snatched it from my hands and started walking back in the direction of the cafeteria, I led the group idling-I didn't want to be doing this.

We all sat down at the table and the notebook was handed to me; this couldn't truely be right, this couldn't really be what God would want us to do. "Oh I'll do it." Susan said from across the table, she pulled it away from me and opened it.

"March seventeenth:
Mom was drunk again today, she hit me and I'm getting a bruise-this probably means when she's hungover in the morning I'll have to lie and tell her that I fell and she won't let me go to school. I don't know what to do without school I have nothing else...I can't stand to be here with her all day.
March eighteenth:
I was right.
March Twentieth:
Mom has decided that all these accidents aren't really accidents at all, I knew she would figure out someone was hurting me sooner or later. I wish she would have figured out that it's her though. She thinks it's Jason and she said I'm not allowed to see him anymore. I love him, I can't just leave him.
March Twenty-Third:
Jason's mad that I make excuses for her. What else am I supposed to do? Get taken away by CPS?? I don't want to be in the system, I don't want to have to go from house to house and not have a home. He doesn't seem to understand and now he's mad at me too.
March Twenty-Fourth:
Me and Jason ditched the second half of school today and went to central park-we knew no one would look for us there. I talked to him more freely then I have in a while and he explained that he's just worried about me. I wish he would be worried without upsetting me-I already have enough to deal with. Julia is coming over tomorrow and I have to look my best because she tells people things when she thinks something's wrong. I don't think I have to worry though my mom's working over-night with some business man who's sick of his wife...as long as she's not here.
March Twenty-Fifth:
Julia's sleeping so I thought I would write down what happened tonight. She decided to bring her brother with her...he scares me. He left a little while ago though. He's always staring at me like he wants to eat me or something. He thinks I'm like my mom. A whore-but I'm not; I'm a virgin...not a lot of people believe that but it's true.
March Twenty-Eighth:
I haven't had much time to write things down in here but now I do. Me and Jason were in my room today, my mom was supposed to be gone until early this morning so he was planning on sleeping over because his dad kicked him out again and we knew when my mom got home she would be too drunk to notice a boy in my bed anyways; she came home early. She was sober and she was mad because some guy told her she was no good in bed. She wasn't just angry-she was furious. And when she saw Jason she exploded and she started throwing my stuff around and...she broke my ballerina figurine Daddy bought me before he left...and then she laughed when I cried. I'm at Jason's aunts house now. She's the first adult I've met in a while who doesn't ask a million questions when her nephew and his crying, bleeding girlfriend show up on her doorstep.
April First:
I'm home again.
April Second:
Mom bought me a new figurine but it's not the same, he bought that for me. It was mine
from him. I just don't think she understands. Meg is getting colic and we don't have enough money to take her to the doctor so I have to start looking for a job again.
April Third:
I found a job but Jason says he doesn't think it's a good idea. I have a fake idea they'll never know I'm only sixteen, and the drunk men tip good once your breasts are exposed. I vowed to never be like my mother-that's hard when your little sister screams and cries all night; it's still not like I'm in the same occupation as her. I'm taking my clothes off in front of men and dancing, not having sex with them like she does.
April Fourth:
Jason came over tonight, he climbed in my window and he was laying there with me, just playing with my hair like it was a couple years ago after he had first asked me out and it was still a little too awkward to just start making out. Mom's not home and I have to go to work in forty minutes, the bus comes in fifteen and Geno isn't home...I don't know what to do with Meg. I can't just leave her here all alone hoping mom will get home soon.
April Seventh:
We took Meg to the doctor today, they said she has cancer. She's not even three yet and they're telling us she's going to die. I couldn't handle it. I love that little girl so much. I cut myself again. When I watched the blood swirling down the drain with the water as I showered I couldn't think of anything more then how much I wish God would take me instead of her. If there is a God he would let someone so sweet and innocent live and take me instead. I've hurt people-I sin all the time...why does it have to be her?
April Ninth:
I drank half a bottle of whiskey today and Jason came over. I almost had sex with him before he realized I was drunk. I want to be the worst person alive so maybe God will change his mind and cure Meg and take someone as horrible as, well as I'm trying to be-instead.
April Tenth:
I snorted some drug today, Geno gave it to me. He said it re-leaves stress. It didn't relieve anything for me except now I can sleep again. It made me pass out. A dreamless sleep did wonders on me.
April Eleventh:
Bought some drug off some senor in the parking lot before ditching school completely. It was a shot. I took it and then woke up in the gutter on 65th avenue...it's scary because the last thing I remember is that I was on 39th avenue."

"This is a bunch of crap, no one's life is that messed up." Susan said, throwing the notebook away in the nearest trash can. The bell had rung and everyone was leaving. I walked over to the trash can and picked it up.

I put it in my bag and walked slowly to math class.

How could they think that she's lying in something she wrote that she thought only her eyes would see?

Better yet...how could they throw away her thoughts and feelings as if they were something disgusting that needed to be thrown away anyways?

I decided on that second that they weren't my friends. I always kind of knew that I didn't like them but now it was so clear-they weren't what God wanted at all. Didn't all these Bible stories tell us to be accepting and to help those when they ask? To be there for any other human being whether they were like us or not? To....care?