Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

That night I sat on my bed. I stared out of my window. I wasn't aware of it but tears streaked down my face. I was so lost. I couldn't seem to grasp onto something to drown my fears. My 'friends'; what were they? Didn't it say somewhere in the bible to accept everyone, no matter what color, what gender? Didn't it say that anyone was accepted into the Holy Father's kingdom? Then why, why wasn't Raven accepted here on earth? Didn't Jesus wander around Jerusalem inviting the prostitutes and sinners to dine with him? Didn't he reject the authorities, the Pharisees? If this was how God had intended the world to be, then why wasn't it?
Jesus was crucified by his followers, betrayed by his best friend. And yet, people still worship him today, when he was a sinner in the eyes of the public in his time. Still, Jesus held his head high when his family, friends and hope diminished quicker than he could say save me. I could feel my faith in God slipping. If he loved his children so much, then why, why, are his children suffering? Why are they crying themselves to sleep and striking a blade repetitively? Why do I feel so hopeless? If Im 'the fucking religious icon', then why do I feel like I was suffocating in confusion and sorrow?
Raven. I whimpered when I thought of her. The most admirable person I had ever met. Her head was held high; her smile radiated and brought even the sun out to shine. A new bout of tears washed down my cheeks. She had gone through so much. I just wanted to protect her from the fucks I called friends. I wanted to protect her from the reality of religion. She only meant good.
I felt my white walls close around me. I sighed deeply. Today I skipped my session with the reverend. I did it because I was angry at religion for being so unfair. But the world wasn't fair was it? I suddenly got an idea. I rummaged through my school bag until I found a piece of crumbled paper. I opened it carefully, as though my parents were in my room and about to wake up. I stared down at the piece of paper for a moment before quietly tip toeing down stairs. I creaked on a floor board on the last step. I cringed and waited for a few moments. A light was flicked on and I heard my mothers voice call to me.
"Who is that?"
I sighed and adjusted my weight to my other foot. "Just me mother."
The pitch in her voice rose. "What are you doing up?"
I opened my mouth while completely freaking out; what the hell do I say? What the hell is there to say? "Um, milk and cookies?"
I heard the light being flicked off and a quiet goodnight. Milk and cookies? Could I get more obvious? I hate milk. And we don't even own any sorts of cookies. I walked now at more ease and walked into the kitchen. The soft hum of the refrigerator brought my nerves at ease. I picked up the telephone and glanced back down at the piece of paper. I dialed a number occasionally glancing at the scrunched up piece of paper. When I was done I bit my lip and fidgeted from one foot to the other while the dial tone rang. My heart picked up speed; I thought to myself, it's just a phone call, what could go wrong?
"Hello?" I heard Ravens raspy sleep filled voice fill the receiver.
I swallowed. "Hi."
I heard a smile in her voice. "Whats up?"
A tear leaked out of my already swollen eyes. "Can you come over?"
I heard her hang up and I was left in confusion. Was she going to come now? Or was she angry at me for disturbing her in the middle of the night. Minutes later I heard a soft knock on my front door. Apprehension filled my chest. I was surprised my parents hadn't been awakened by all of this. Or maybe they were pretending they didn't hear any of this, and therefore didn't have to deal with what they thought never happened.
I opened the door quietly and slipped outside. I shivered. My flannel pajamas and light sweater weren't enough to keep me warm. In front of my stood Raven. Her hair looked completely untamed and her face was cleaned off with no makeup. She was still pretty.
She smiled and took my hand, leading me away from my house. When we reached the town pond we sat on the edge of the water. She stared at me expectantly. I cleared my throat and played with the blades of grass between my fingers. I looked at the reflection on the water of the moon. This was all to cliche. I felt myself being nudged by Raven. I looked at her and looked back to the ground.
"They read your notebook."
"Wha--" Her voice choked up when realization hit her. I looked at her through my eyelashes. Her eyes glistened and she turned away. She looked like a broken angel. I bit my lip and tensely placed my arms around her. She melted into the embrace and clung on to my shirt.
"Oh god Kevin"
I stroked her hair. I rocked her slightly. This was so foreign to me. It was like a completely different language. I bit my lip. I felt needed. For once, someone actually needed my embrace, my words, and my comfort. For once someone wasn't using me. After a few moments she pulled away from me. She looked shy.
"Th-thank you."
I smiled for real. Suddenly she started poking me with no mercy. I giggled and pushed her away. She wouldn't stop. I tried pushing her into the pond. She sat on top of me and continued to poke my ribs. I squealed and once again tried pushing her off. She smiled evilly and laughed manically. I blushed when I heard a dog bark.
"Stop Raven, stop!"
She smiled when I shrieked when she poked my stomach really hard. I pouted and mustered my strength to push her off me. It worked. She tumbled off me and nearly fell into the pond. She narrowed her eyes and tried not to smile.
"Bitch."
I felt a smile twitch on my lips. "You re just as bad."
She plopped down next to me and pulled a piece of liquorice out of her pajama pockets. She offered me a piece and I took it. She smiled when I slowly placed it in my mouth and began to suck. She placed a piece in her mouth and began to chew. She looked at me.
"Why did you want me to come?"
I was silent and bit my lip. She looked fully into my face. "Your eyes are really swollen."
I turned my face away from her and tried to keep from crying. She stroked my nose. I wrinkled it and glared at her between my tears. She giggled. "What's wrong Kev-Kev."
I didn't understand how she could care so much after only a few days of knowing her. I didn't understand how I wanted to pour my heart out to her when I had always tried to keep myself hidden from everyone. I didn't understand how this one person could mean so much after such a short time. Was this how true friendship worked? Was this how every kid in America felt? I was nudged by her.
I bit my lip. "I-I, I am-gay."
I could not believe that I had just said that. I inched away from her and hung my head in shame. Homosexuality was a sin in the eyes of the Church. I had sinned before I was even born for being gay; I shamed my family before I could even speak. I was a disgrace to society. I had failed. There were probably heaps of children who were gay but were able to keep it suppressed because it was sinful. Raven was silent for a moment.
"I sorta guessed."
My breath caught in my throat. "Is it that obvious?"
She shook her head. "No, just, I can tell."
I nodded and I began to shudder with every tear that fell from my eyes. She placed her arm around me. I hiccuped and inched out of her grasp.
"It's a sin."
She cocked her head to the side. "What is?"
I sniffed. "Being gay."
I felt a hand connect with my face. I whimpered and held my hand to my cheek. I stared at her with big eyes. She looked furious. I bit my lip and once again inched away from her. Her eyes softened. "It's not a sin Kev."
I shook my head in disagreement and flinched; ready for another slap. She sighed and then all of a sudden giggled. I looked at her in confusion. She smiled. "My bestest friend is gay."
I had to smile. I inched back over to her. She embraced me and laid her head on my shoulder. She pulled up the grass in front of us and started to build a hay pile with grass. She looked up at me and I stared back at her. She smiled and whispered into my ear as if it was the biggest secret that she had ever had.
"Best friends forever?"
I giggled and knew for certain she was going to be my friend, no matter how hard I had to fight to keep her. I leaned into her ear and whispered back. "Best friends forever."

--

For the rest of the month half of me was in complete happiness. There were the obvious downs; hiding from my 'friends', the knowledge that Joshua absolutely hated me when I had the biggest crush on him, my parents concern about my friendship with Raven, everyone's surprise and attempt to 'save' me, and the reverends leering gaze. I had been skipping all of the sessions I had with him to instead play with faeries with Raven in the meadow. I knew he was going to corner me one day and force me to come and talk to him about all of my sins. There were the amazing ups; Raven, my best friend, spending time with one of the strangest people, not crying everyday, be able to talk about guys and drool and of course, playing with the faeries.
I knew that this semi-blissful occurrence would not last forever. I knew that with the knowledge that Joshua hated me, well, it was hard. He often completely ignored me, not even acknowledging my presence. I knew that the reverend would soon come to me. If only I had known it was the day Raven went for a day into the city. If only I had sneaked out with her. If only. The world was filled with ifs.
I felt a hand clamp on my shoulder and I jumped. I turned to be faced with the reverends disturbing expression. He sighed and looked around at our spectators.
"Kevin, its a sin to lie and sneak around your friends."
I shrunk. I knew what he was going to suggest. He knew I couldn't say no in front of my followers. He knew I was still fucking weak. He placed an arm around my shoulders. I tired not to shudder and throw his arm off my shoulders and yell out 'pervert.'
"Kevin, I think you should confess. It would rest your uneasy conscious."
My face remained emotionless and I forced myself to nod. He smiled and led me away. Susan smiled at me for the first time in a month. The kids watched me walk by with awe-struck expressions. I walked by Joshua and saw him roll his eyes and continue with his normal activities. The reverend smiled at me and rubbed my arm. I breathed through my nose and tried to calm myself down. I didn't want to enter another hell. I didn't want to do this alone. I was too weak. I needed Raven. Where was Raven?
The reverend smiled and opened the door to his office. "After you."
I entered. I felt bile rise in my throat as the reverends hand pass over my bottom. He closed the door behind himself, and at the same time he closed the door on my sanity.