Cute Is What the Gods Aim For

The rest of the day I blew off my friends to comfort Raven and enjoy her company. Susan's face fell every time I brushed her off. Phillip, who ever else, always looked at me with confused expressions and glared at Raven. I tried ignoring the little voice inside of me which kept on telling me that this was a bad idea and I would pay soon. I closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed to the God who had left my side long ago. I wished that he would suddenly reappear at my side and take my hand to tell me everything is ok.
I walked home with Raven. Joshua remained indifferent and just shrugged his shoulders and walked home on his own. We first walked to my house because Raven wanted to give me a surprise she said. I giggled when she told me this but went along with her plans. I had a small feeling that someone was following us home, but, I kept on telling myself it was my paranoid little mind working on over speed. Raven suddenly spun around and around in a circle. I smiled.
"What are you doing?"
She looked at me like I was crazy. "Spinning silly."
I stared at her. "Why?"
She skipped over to me. "Don't you ever feel like being a little boy?"
A lump formed in my throat and I avoided her gaze. "Not really."
She stopped spinning and looked at me funny. I ignored her and she dropped the subject. I smiled slightly and tugged on her hand so we could continue to walk. She took my hand and began to swing it back and forth. I giggled and she smiled. She seemed in thought and all I could do is hope that it wasn't of what I had said about not wanting to be a little boy. We got to my house and she hugged me and said goodbye with a smile. I turned to her as I was about to open the door.
"What was my surprise?"
She smiled and patted her bag. "The surprise of no surprise but my company."
I smiled. "I liked your surprise."
She giggled and skipped all the way home. My parents were not yet home. I slug my school bag over my chair and moved up to my room when I heard a knock on the door. I went to open it. When I opened I felt my eyes immediately close and wish myself into another realm. It was the reverend. He seemed a bit pissed off. I swallowed. Maybe he was the one who followed me. I tried swallowing the lump forming in my throat and invited him inside. He followed me inside and occasionally passed his hand over my bottom. I tried not shivering. He leaned over the counter.
"Will you make me a cup of tea?"
I nodded mutely and set the kettle on. I faced the wall and tried to steady my breathing. What was he even doing here? I turned and handed him a cup of steaming coffee without looking him in the face. He flung the substance down his throat and placed it on the table with a clang. I flinched and still couldn't bring myself to look at him. I heard the front door slam and then sub sequentially heard my mother's voice ring out to call me. When she saw the reverend sitting there with me. She opened her mouth and smiled with a shiny white toothed smile. She turned to 'leave us in private'.
The reverend waited until she had left. He got up and went around the side of the counter. I tried inching away, yet he trapped me between the counter it seemed that escape seemed to be never occurring. I shivered and tried turning my face away as he brought his face closer to mine. Tears leaked through my eye lashes. The reverend smirked slightly and slid his hand up my leg. I turned my face away and watched his hand sliding up my leg with tears silently streaking down my face.
His face leaned into mine. "You like that don't you, you're such an imperfection."
My breath caught in my throat. Imperfection? I try so fucking hard, and I can't seem to even do one thing right. I was a failure. I couldn't even stay perfect for one fucking day. My spirits dropped until they were the incredible low, they sank down and were consumed by the deadness of my body. I was brought back out of my thoughts by the rough grabbing of my package. I nearly cried out in pain, I bit my lip instead.
Perfect.
I had to be perfect.
I had to try my hardest.
I felt my jeans being pulled down and choked up. Not again. He only did that yesterday? Why did he have to do this again? As if reading my mind he whispered in my ear. "I know you went and fucked with my niece. Do you call that Saintly?"
I nodded slightly and hung my head. I new wash of tears cascaded down my face. All I had to do was let him get his way. All I had to do was allow him this. All I had to do was be perfect. I felt my pants being pushed down. I shuddered. I felt the reverend fondle my limp member and tried holding back a quiet whimper in discomfort. The reverend heard this.
"So you like this huh?"
I didn't answer instead I closed my eyes and waited to be turned over. Within five minutes I was. My heart beat faster as paranoia began to kick in, in full blast. I bit my lip and dug my fingers into my palms to stop myself from shaking. I felt the tip of his dick on my entrance and I pushed back revulsion and fear. I heard him gasp as he slid inside. I bit my lip to stop myself crying out in pain. He thrust deeply and hard. I bit my lip and closed my eyes.
This is for perfection
I have to be perfect
Happiness doesn't come
He thrust especially hard and tears gathered once again into my eyes. If this was how God intended for people to be; I didn't want a part of it. I had to pray to him, and yet, I got this. This as punishment for trying to do the right thing. Perfection was better than happiness and Raven. I had to giver her up. I had to forget what happiness feels like so that I wont be tempted by it. I felt him pull out. I opened my eyes and thanked who ever was up there watching. He patted my sore bottom and I winced. He chuckled and continued to feel my bum. I pushed a sob down. He walked away and as he was about to leave the door he called out to me.
"Stay away from my niece. Shes the very spawn of Satan."
I didn't bother nodding as he had already left the house. I numbly pulled up my pants and cleaned up his tea cup. I felt my eyes. They were swollen from crying. I took a deep breath and walked up into my room. It felt foreign and unfriendly, as if it had been tainted by the reverend himself. I shuddered and entered my bathroom. I turned on a cold shower and stood shivering under the icicle water. As it washed over my face, my chest, my legs I thought of perfection.
I was too fat. I pinched the sides of my waist with a frown and decided that eating was definitely out of the question. Maybe drinking orange juice or some liquid which had enough nutrients to keep my going, but not enough to ruin my perfection. I thought of my face and revolting light brown hair. It couldn't go on like this. It couldn't. I was ugly. But I couldn't change that, which was one imperfection I had to live with. I thought of my good Christian clothes and smiled, that was perfection.
I stepped out of the shower and dressed myself in a light weight button up shirt and a pair of jeans, along with a good Christian boy sweater. I walked lightly downstairs. There was my mother and father chatting happily at the table. When I entered the room they smiled at me and seemed so proud. My heart fell. They didnt really care. But it was the cost of being perfect, nothing ever seems to matter anymore, its just really that the perfection takes control and that's all that people can really see. I walked out the door calling to them that I would go to the bible evening. I didn't plan to. I planned to go somewhere else. Somewhere away from it all.
Yet as I walked away from the town I felt my heart thud in my chest. I would pay for this imperfection. I would pay for it all. I sighed and walked in the direction of the bible group. Perfect. I had to remember to be perfect.
I stared at the gates to the church. As a little boy all I could think of heaven when I looked at that door, now all I could think of was hell. I walked slowly up to the steps. As I was about midway I heard a voice call to me.
"Oy, Kevin."
I turned to find Raven staring at me with a wide smile. I breathed in. Resist temptation. I stared at her sadly. "I can't."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes you can, you can do anything."
I once again shook my head while I was breaking into thousands of pieces. "I can't."
Her face fell when she realized I meant it. Her eyes brimmed with tears. I felt myself breaking into millions of pieces. I couldn't do this. My tears brimmed with eyes once again. "I'm sorry Raven, I cant."
She nodded her head numbly and shuffled away. I sighed and focused on the steps in front of me. Perfect. Perfection. That is what I had to be. That is what I needed to be. If everyone thought they were perfect then they would get lazy and their perfection would be ruined. That's why I wasn't perfect yet. It was a motivation to stay perfect. I only knew two perfect people, Raven and Joshua. Joshua.
Tears gathered in my eyes once again and I was shaken out of my thoughtful state by someone linking arms with me. There was Susan smiling up at me.
"I find it so inspiring that you cry when you go into church."
I smiled and brushed her hair away from her face. She giggled with happiness and pulled me along with her, to her friends. I absolutely could not stand her friends. Not only were they creepy by sliding up on me, telling me they wanted to get to know me better, but they also giggle even when I grunt in response.
"Hi Kevin." They also speak in unison.
I nodded and left to go and join my other thoughtless and careless friends. They smiled and handed me a bucket of popcorn. I stared down at it. I couldn't ruin my perfection now. I nearly gagged at the grotesque cheesy and buttery smell. I smiled and placed a corn of popcorn into my mouth. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and immediately spat the piece of popcorn out of my mouth. I heard a knock on the window and went to look out of it. There was Raven standing looking at me.
"Come on with me."
I bit my lip. I shouldn't. I couldn't. I wanted the reverends encounters to stop, just stop. Only if I was completely and flawlessly perfect would I achieve this. In every goal one must make sacrifices. My sacrifice would be happiness and Raven. I shook my head at Raven and closed the window. I heard her begin to softly cry. I wanted to hurt myself for being such a cruel creature, but it had to be done. I had to sacrifice her. Even if it hurt her. I had to do it. My goal was too important to me.
I heard a cough and looked over to find Joshua staring at me. I cast my eyes downward; knowing what he would say.
"You are fucking sick."
I bit my lip and tried to move away from him. He blocked my way. "Look me in the eyes." I looked at his beautiful green eyes and felt my heart shatter once again. His eyes were filled with anger. I tried angrily to push the lump in my throat down; it wouldn't work. I felt tears gather in my eyes and I looked away from Joshua.
"I don't want to hurt her."
He pushed me against the sinks. "Then why do you? Why do I have to glue her back together?"
I slumped against the wall and tried not to look back into his beautiful angry green eyes. "I-I can't."
He cursed at me and shook his head at me. "You're exactly like I predicted."
I flinched. He stopped for a second. He looked at me properly and his expression changed into something unreadable. I hung my head and studied the ground. I studied his shoes. They were different from any other shoes I had ever seen. I felt his eyes on me; surveying my body. I looked up and his gaze immediately softened by a fraction. He caught sight of my tired eyes, my defeated stance; he caught sight of me.
For a second we stared at each other. I closed my eyes and wanted it all to stop. Joshua had to go away, as much as I liked him, he had to go. He would ruin my perfection. I didn't want to handle another one of the reverends personal visits. I pushed myself off the wall and away from one of the most precious things to me. I left him wondering what I really was. I left him. That was what hurt me most. The fact that I could have had him, I could have loved him; but I couldn't let myself.
I just made me hate the reverend more. I just made me more determined to become the complete perfection. More perfect then God. Because what I realized is that; there is no God watching over my hell.