The Migratory Patterns of the Hikey German Family

I am so sick of writing and trying to be understanding and beautiful when the truth is I've been laying in bed crying for a week now. I am so sick of wondering when this will change, what will happen, will he come back and at least show up as my friend. My heart is shattered in a way I hoped it would never be. I didn't know it was possible to hurt this bad. I should be angry, I should hate him because he said forever and I think he meant it and he's scared that he did. I've been screaming at God or the universe or whatever is out there with a plan for days, begging that this isn't the end of him and I. Maybe no one is listening, or they don't give a damn but I am so tired of hurting like this. I can't see an end to this any time soon. Nothing dulls the sharp edges of the hole inside my chest. I can't even reach out as a friend to him because of what is happening.

I am so sick of talking about it but it's the only thing on my mind. I have been dreaming about him. Maybe that's the only way his soul can reach out to me right now, maybe his true self is trying to comfort me while we go through this. I keep trying to be okay and ignore how I can still see him everywhere I go because we went everywhere together. I am trying to stop calling him mine but it's so hard. I'm trying to be okay with all of this, honestly I am. It just hurts so much more than I ever thought one person could handle. Everyone is saying I'm stronger than I know and I can do this but right now I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I'm just so tired... I have hardly slept or ate in days and when I do sleep it's just him holding me, always his arms around me, kissing me softly, telling me this will be over as soon as it can be. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe our souls are really connected and he's trying to make sure I'm okay while the person he is being right now tears me to pieces. The whole world seems so empty with out him, and trust me I know I sound like every heartbroken girl that ever was to exist. I keep being so cliche. I know.

I've screamed and broken plates and sobbed in the arms of my best friend. I cried at work. I haven't stopped crying, even if there were no tears on the outside I was sobbing on the inside. I've tried just about everything. I drank until I couldn't walk, talked to other boys, focused on anything but him, got rid of all of his things and yet still... I can't stop crying. Even now the words I write are blurred by tears.

I find myself wondering if it was really worth it, if love this deep is worth pain just as deep. I want to say no. I want to never love like this again, never want the chance to hurt like this. Then I feel our first kiss, the way we made love at midnight on new years, the way he held me when I cried, the way I held him when he cried. It is so worth it. True love will always be worth it. This boy, the one who isn't here right now, the one I love with every part of me, he was worth all of this. Even if he thinks he isn't worthy of me, he is, a million times over. The true him, not this person he is being right now, he is the love of my life. I'm not saying he's the only one, or that I'll never love anyone else again, I'm saying he will also have a place in my heart even if I never get to call him mine again, I pray we still end up together though.