Nothings Gunna Change My World

Kevin's Point-of-View;

"So, are you gay?" Daisy stared at me with her green eyes that could so easily match Joshua's. She was rubbing the palms of her hands on her tight, black pants that could so easily fit Joshua just as well as they did her. The wind blew and her dark blew in front of her eyes and the smell that came with her hit me, this was not Joshua's--this was uniquely Daisy's and forever would be because no matter how hard I told myself it could be the same it wasn't. They were two different people and I would have to choose between the boy who I knew I was supposed to be with and the girl I had so quickly fallen in love with.
This was my problem, and it was big one, how can you choose between the people you love? That would be like asking a mother to give up one of her children and to keep the favorite. Nearly impossible. I knew who I would choose though, whether he made me cry myself to sleep or not me and Joshua were soul mates and everyone in the planet knew that we were meant to be. "Kind of." I finally muttered and Joshua sighed in frustration and went into my house. Of course he would be mad with an answer like that, he knew I was gay--people who didn't know me usually knew I was gay. "Kind of?" She repeated and shifted her weight to her left leg. "Yeah, kind of." I said and she looked at me. "Kevin... I'm not fucking retarded, can we stop playing 'let's lie to Daisy?' Because it starting to break my heart." The way she was brutally honest hurt me, I was breaking her heart? I don't break hearts, that's Joshua's department. "I don't know what to say, though... it's kind of a super long story." She just stared at me. "I have time." I took a step closer and she took a step further away, "I used to be in love with him." She laughed, "Used to be?" "Okay, well I've always been in love with Joshua and something has always kept us apart... first I was in the closet about who I was; Imperfection to me was like the worst thing anyone could be and then somehow he found out I loved him and he started loving me. It was never official, I don't think, but we became an 'us' and he tried to show me that being gay wasn't being imperfect. He tried so hard everyday to show me that I was perfect to him and that's all that mattered." I stopped about those days where I thought I was going to get molested for loving the pastor's son. "Go on." She said, so I did, "Well I was too much for him to handle so he started taking drugs and then eventually he dumped me like yesterday's news. That's when I started taking a bunch of drugs. I was convinced that if we had something in common he would come back to me." She just nodded, "That's when I met you and you were so much like him, so, so much like him--", "So you... you're only with me because I'm like you're ex-boyfriend?" She sounded hurt. "At first, yes, but then I got to know you and you are the most amazing girl I know." "Then why the hell are you making out with that man-whore?!" I looked down at my shoes. Converse, all black, they would be so dirty if there was white on them. The shoelaces were untied, barely ever would I allow something like untied shoes happen to me. "Because you're not him... and I can't make you be him. All this time I was trying to convince myself it was the same thing as having him but it's not, right now I actually had him and it wasn't the same."
"That makes me feel fucking great, Kevin." She turned around and walked into my house. "I'll be gone in a few minutes, don't worry about it." She said and left the front door wide open. Gone? I didn't want her to be gone. "Daisy! You don't have to leave." I ran into my house and shut the door, she was already in my room getting her stuff together in her star-patterned backpack. "I can't stay here if you don't want me." She was crying and I felt terrible. "I do want you! I love you, Daisy." The second it came out of my mouth she spun around and slapped me, "I have had way too many boys tell me that and not mean it. So stop, okay? I know you don't mean it, I know you don't love me, I know you can't love me, and I'm sorry that I even ever expected you to." She was just throwing things around now, mine, hers, Miley's, it didn't matter. "You don't have anywhere to go, though." I whispered, I really didn't want her to leave--she had in these past few weeks become someone I loved, more than a friend--yes, but not like I loved Joshua exactly. "That didn't stop me when I was being raped by my father, or when my mother threw a bottle of whiskey at me and I had to get stitches, it didn't stop me when I ran away from my foster homes, and it's not going to stop me now." I stood in front of the door. "Daisy, you can't leave." I said and she shoved me, I fell back against the door. "There's a window right there, I'm leaving whether you stand there pretending to care or not." I grabbed her arm and threw her onto my bed. "You're not fucking leaving, I choose you, okay? I choose you. You're the one I want." The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying. I had to keep her here and protect her from all the horrible things she was already running from. "What?" She looked up at me, I was straddling her while holding her arms above her head by her wrists. "I said I want to be with you forever?" She smiled a little and tried to get out of my grasp. "How nice of you to think I believe you." I held onto her tighter. "Do you want me to prove it?" I asked and she laughed, "You can't prove it." She said and I leaned down and kissed her lips slowly. "That doesn't prove anything." She said when I sat back up.
I took my hands away from her wrists and ran them slowly down her sides. "You're the one I want." I whispered and placed my hands on her hips gently, my fingers traced the bones there and I leaned down again and kissed her lips rougher this time, more desperate than the time before; This time she kissed back. I felt the shivers come through her body and then go through mine, it was if kissing her was getting electrocuted. When I pulled away again she started crying, "Why are you crying?" I whispered in her ear and then kissed directly below it, "Because I don't think I believe you." I slipped my hands under her shirt and felt the smooth, even skin of her stomach, I felt it flutter beneath my fingertips, "If I was gay I don't think I would be enjoying this as much as I am." I whispered to her neck and she got the shivers again. "Kevin you don't have to do this, you don't have to want me. You wouldn't be the first person who didn't want me." I kissed her tears and then slid my hands around her back and un-did the clasp on her bra. "I do want you." What else was I supposed to do? It's not like I didn't want her all together and I couldn't, I wouldn't let her leave like this.
"Kevin?" I looked deep into the perfect green on Daisy's eyes. "Yeah?" She stared right back into my eyes. "Will you..." I tilted my head slowly as her words fell short, "Make love to me, okay?" I looked down at her. "Really?" I don't even know how I would do that, I've never had sex with a girl... I've never cared about the people I fucked. "Yeah." I blinked one, two, three, four times, "Now?" She nodded and I slid my hands out from under her shirt. "Okay." I whispered and took my shirt off slowly. It landed on the floor and I tugged on Daisy's shirt. "Are you sure?" I asked a final time and she sat up and helped me take off her shirt, I guess that's all the answer I really needed. In a fumble of shaking fingers and nervous kisses our pants were off. Daisy's small hands went into my boxers and wrapped themselves around my dick and stroked it for a minute, making me pant heavily. She removed her hands and slid my boxers off. Next her panties were thrown to the floor and there we were with no clothes ready to engage in pre-marital sex. I had had sex before but never this caring, never to someone I cared about... I think I could assume the same thing of Daisy's sexual encounters. "Are you ready?" I asked as I pressed myself against her opening. "Fuck, Kevin, do it." She whispered and I pushed slowly inside of her, she scooted up on the bed--away from me so I pushed in slightly quicker. "Oh my..." Her words fell short again.
Forty three minutes later we laid tangled in each other, in the sheets, in our thoughts. "I love you." Daisy pushed some of my hair from my face. "I love you too." I said and smiled at her. Joshua could never know about this. This would shatter him.

I haven't talked to Joshua in three weeks. Three weeks where I had to avoid him at every turn or have to stand through his desperate, piercing questions. What was I supposed to say? "Oh yeah, I lost my real virginity, you know the kind of sex that matters, I totally lost that to someone who wasn't you. Who? Oh my girlfriend, Daisy." I couldn't say that to him. I couldn't say anything to him, every time I saw him I just wanted to cry and apologize. And that wouldn't work, he would want to know what I was sorry for and I would tell him. I couldn't keep anything from him.
"Kevin! I need to... talk to you." Daisy poked her head into my math class. The teacher sighed, angry and allowed me to go in the hallway with her. "What?" I asked tenderly when we were all alone in the school hallway. "I'm late." She whispered fiercely. "I know... you just got me out of class and I know you didn't get a pass from... you're in art now aren't you?" She looked at me like I was stupid. "I'm late for my period, Kevin." "Oh." Was all that came out of my mouth. Was that supposed to mean something to me? "Kevin, are you fucking retarded?" She looked at me, her eyes looked like they were begging to know what she had told me. This is when the information clicked together. "You're pregnant?!" I shouted and she put her hand over my mouth, "We wouldn't want the people in Africa to know, now would we?" I repeated it in a whisper, "You're pregnant?!" She shrugged.
"You don't know?" I asked and she shrugged again, "Please, please, please say something to me." I held her hands tightly, "I don't know what to say, Kevin, we fucked up--I don't know what to do, I'm freaking out." She said and I nodded, I was also freaking out. I couldn't be a dad. I'm fucking gay, I never thought about children after coming out. I always thought I would have them with like... Susan in my fake, perfect life and they would skip off to school and church and learn how to be perfect no matter the cost the same ways I did. But that wouldn't happen now, would it? I wasn't middle-aged and set in a routine of adult living. I'm seventeen and I spend all my fucking money on drugs, money I earn by letting boys fuck me. "Look it's no big deal, I'll get an abortion--okay?" I shook me head, that was simply out of the question, "Why not?" She asked and I put the palm of my hand on her stomach, "Hello baby." I whispered, "It's already alive, Daisy, it's living--you can't kill it." I said gently and rubbed her stomach. "What the fuck are we going to do, then?" I shook my head, I didn't know.
"I'll start saving money, okay? It'll be okay baby." I said and moved my hand from her stomach and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. I wish someone was here to tell me it would be okay. "You don't have a job." She said and I smiled, "Doesn't mean I don't make money." I winked at her and opened the door to the art room, "I love you." I kissed her again before she walked into the art room. I walked out to the tree behind the school, the lonely tree that sat there. I fell against the trunk and slid down until I was sitting there with my fingers tangled in my hair. What the fuck do I do now? I wanted Joshua to tell me it would be okay but he was the last person on the universe to say something so nice to me after all of this. And it's my fault, I'm taking the blame for this one. My partial lies and insecurities had gotten me here and I couldn't go back in time and change anything. I pulled my pack of cigarettes out and lit one. I couldn't smoke anymore when the baby was born... second hand smoke isn't good for anyone and it really isn't good for babies--not to mention I don't want to be a bad role model. "Fuck." I whispered and let the tears roll down my face, what was the point? My life, as of this moment, my youth was gone.