Nothings Gunna Change My World

It's been three months since I moved in with Bennett. Three months to completely fuck myself up. Three months to bury myself in shit and not be able to see the light of day ever again. Bennett and I have been going on binges... I stopped going to school 42 days ago, and every time I look in the mirror I feel... empty and broken. The only time I don't feel like that is when I'm high out of my mind or... when Jason comes around. He makes me super happy, I'm not particularly sure why, he just looks at me like I'm a real person, not very many people ever look at me like that. I wear weird, vintage-y clothes, I have pink hair, and it's widely known that I take after my mother--the crack whore.

"Michelle!" Christina poked my middle and I groaned, "Go away," I said and she poked me again, harder, "Michelle, wake up! I have to go to school, Shell," She was poking me repeditily now, I reached out and pushed her off of the bed, "Go the fuck away Christy!" I yelled and rolled over, burying my head under a mountain of pillows. "Ugh!" Christina stomped out of the bedroom and I sighed. I was so exhausted, I'd been up for six days before I went to sleep three hours ago.
I heard the door open again and I sighed, sitting up, "Christina, I'm so tired, can't you give me, like, ten more fucking minutes?" But it wasn't Christina, it was Bennett, holding a kit. I smiled up at him, "Hey handsome," I said and patted the bed next to me, "Hey, you want a hit?" He asked and I nodded, "Yes, please." He prepared the needle for me and stuck me, because I couldn't do it myself and then he kissed my cheek and left so that I could get dressed and take Christina to school. I threw on a white lace dress and my high tops, teased my hair a bit, drew on my face and stuck a bow in my hair--all lickey-split and then I ran downstairs. Bennett had fed Christina breakfast and I took her to school.

"Have a good day, sweet pea," I kissed Christina's forehead and watched her until she was inside the school building and then I lit a cigarette and started walking back home. When I was a few blocks away I ran into Jason, "Michelle!" He yelled and I turned around and waited for him to catch up to me, "Hey Jason, you coming to my house?" I asked and he nodded, "Where else would I be going? It's my favorite place to be," He grinned his crooked grin and winked at me, I giggled and lit up another cigarette, "So... my band has a show tonight, you should come," He said and I nodded, "Yeah, that sounds like fun." He grinned even wider, "Sweet! I'll pick you up at, like, eight?" I nodded, "Sounds great," I opened the front door for him and led him up to Bennett's room, "Hey Bennett, look who's here," I said, Bennett looked up from the picture he was drawing, "Hey man," He nodded to Jason, who nodded back. Boys greetings are weird, don't you think?
"Well, boys, I'd love to stick around and hang out but, I have a life," I smiled and walked back to my room, grabbed some money and left, I had to go to my mom's house, she'd been calling a lot asking to see Christina, and I didn't think that that would be a good idea, and I didn't exactly know how to explain that to her without madly gesturing around to all the drugs and filth in her house.

"She's my daughter, Michelle!" My mom yelled at me, throwing a glass at me, I moved out of the way and it shattered against the wall behind me, "So am I, or did you forget?" I asked and my mom rolled her eyes. "Mom, it's not healthy here for her, it's not healthy here for fucking anyone, it's inhabitable, it's pathetic, you're pathetic and I'm not going to endanger her by letting you have her, not even for one goddamn second!" I said and my mom started laughing. "You're one to talk you fucking little tweaker! Oh, you thought I didn't know? I'm your MOTHER!" She threw another glass at me, this time is hit me and I gasped out in pain, "You think having her live with you and your crazy speed-dealing boyfriend is better for her?!" She demanded and I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. It wasn't better, not when you said it like that, but from an inside perspective I had taken the least of two evils and made the best out of a bad situation.
"Michelle... I just miss her, she's barely six for crying out loud, she needs her goddamn mommy..." My mom collapsed onto the sofa and I stared at her, I didn't often see this side of my mother, sentimental and caring, sad and feeling rejected, lately I hadn't seen her show that she cared about anything except her loser boyfriend, Joe.
"Is Joe going to be here?" I finally asked and my mom looked up at me hopefully, "No, we broke up," She said and I smiled, "I'm proud of you ma'," I told her and she smiled too, "You know, I'm proud of myself," She said and I sighed. "Okay, she can spend the night, but mom... just one night for now... and please... can you clean this place up?" I asked, looking around at the pipes and dirty needles laying around, "Yeah, yeah, I'll clean up and I'll pick her up from school and then you can pick her up from school tomorrow, sound like a plan?" She wasn't waiting for me to answer, though, she was already up and cleaning her apartment, "Yeah," I said and started walking out.
"Michelle?" She said and I turned around and looked at her, "Michelle, I love you too... I miss you too," She said and I nodded, "Yeah, mom, I love you too," I said and left.

"Come on, come on, come on!" Jason was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and I ran down them, he was excited, it was totally adorable. "I'm coming!" I said and stood in front of him, he stared at me for what must have been a full minute, "What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked and patted my cheek, he laughed, "No, you just look beautiful," I blushed, "Thanks Jason, you look very dashing yourself." He smiled and led me out to his car and we drove to the club.
Jason's band was amazing, he dedicated one of the songs to me and then after they played we stayed for the next four bands, dancing and moshing until we couldn't stand up anymore. I collapsed on the sidewalk outside the club and lit a cigarette, "You do this every night?" I asked and he shook his head, "Nah, I usually stand in the back like a cool person," He said and I scoffed, "Cool-Shmool," I said and passed him the cigarette. He took and looked at me, "What? Do I have something on my face, now?" I asked and he shook his head and leaned closer to me.

Oh my God, he's going to kiss me.

Oh my God, the boy of my dreams is going to kiss me.

He smells good...

God, does he smell good...

And then his lips were pressed against mine. He tasted like cherries, like cherry flavored tobacco, his lips were soft, like velvet against mine... I sighed happily against his mouth and kissed him back contently for who knows how long, it was like we were suspended in time, it could have been forever, it could have been thirty seconds, either way--my body felt like it was floating, my head started spinning because I forgot how to breathe, my chest ached painfully from happiness overload.
"Wow," I whispered and Jason mimicked me, and then someone had pulled me to my feet, forcefully, "What the fuck, Michelle?!" It was Bennett, "Bennett, stop you're hurting me," I said, trying to pull my arm our of his grip, but he was strong, and after all the speed I'd been doing I was weak--really, really weak. "What the fuck are you doing to my girl, Jason?!" He kicked Jason, who jumped up and tried to help me out, "Let go of her, man," He said to Bennett who's fingers were probably leaving bruises all over me, "Bennett, I'm not your girl..." I tried to reason with him. "What? WHAT?!" He screamed in my face, his spit hitting me, making me flinch, "Bennett please--" He was dragging me to his car, Jason ran after us, he threw me into the passenger's seat and slammed the door on my hand, Jason pushed him and tried to pull me out of the car, which pissed Bennett off even more, he punched Jason who fell down, holding his nose and looking at the car, Bennett got in and sped away.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing with that loser?" He demanded of me and I looked at him, "Bennett... I'm not your girlfriend," I said quietly and Bennett slapped me, "You are my girlfriend!" He screamed at me. He'd totally come unhinged. "Just... Just calm down, please Bennett," I begged, staring at him, I reached over and grabbed his hand, he hit me again, "Don't fucking touch me you fucking whore!" I flinched at his cruel words and just looked ahead to the passing street signs. Maybe by the time we got home he'd calm down and we could talk about this... like, adults. Or at least fucking normal people.

I was wrong.

"You fucking slut!" Bennett screamed and threw me on the floor in the living room, I started crying, "Bennett! Bennett please, STOP!" I looked up at him, crying my eyes out. "Michelle you broke my fucking heart, I'm taking what's mine," He said and I looked up at him, "What do you mean?" I asked and he laughed, cruelly. "Oh you know what I mean, Michelle," He said quietly, unbuttoning his pants. I pulled myself into the corner. "Bennett, stop," I whispered, looking up at him, I could tell all the begging in the world wouldn't help now. Something in Bennett's facial expression was scaring me... he looked... wrong, broken... scary--terrifying.

After he'd done what he felt he had to do, he left and I cried. I cried for a long, long time until I heard the front door open again and saw Jason run into the living room, "Michelle, what happened?" He asked, falling to his knees in front of me and grabbing my hand, I flinched and jerked away from him, "Don't call me that," I whispered and he kept looking at me, "Don't fucking look at me!" I screamed and pushed him away. "Michelle... Michelle, please, tell me what's wrong, what can I do to help?" I looked at him, almost his entire face was covered in a giant bruise. "Can you take me to my mom's house? And please... stop calling me that..." I said quietly, every time I heard my name I heard my name from Bennett's mouth as he was on top of me, forcing himself inside of me and hurting me. A nightmare that I could never, ever forget, and at the same time I couldn't bear to remember.
"What do you want me to call you then?" He asked, helping me to my feet, "I don't know, Raven," I said, telling him the first name that I could think of. After it had come out of my mouth, I kind of liked it. Plus, anything was better than Michelle.

"What happened?" Jason asked me after helping me into his car, "I don't want to talk about it," I said and looked out the window. I didn't want to think about it.
"Sometimes it helps..." Jason said slowly and I scoffed, "Don't fucking push me into telling you all about my fucking rape," I blew up at him, "I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to fucking live at the moment, Jason, so can you just drive me to my mother's house and shut the fuck up?"
He nodded and I sighed, the rest of the car ride was silent. And not the comfortable silence that I was accustomed to when I was with Jason. He stopped in front of my mom's building and I just sat there for a minute. "Mi--Raven... I'm sorry," I whispered and I glanced over at me, "I'm sorry too Jason, I didn't mean to yell at you, I love you," The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I had said. "I love you too," He said and I stared at him. "Still?" I asked and he nodded, "I think I've loved you from the first second I ever saw you," He said and reached out to touch my cheek, I had to make a conscious effort not to flinch away. "I... uh... I'm going to go up, I don't know if I can stay here, though, can you, um... wait?" I asked and Jason nodded, "Yeah, of course, do you want me to go with you?" Jason asked and I looked at him, "Do you want to, really?" I asked and he nodded, "Yeah, let's go," He got out of the car and opened my door for me, and he helped me all the way up to my mom's apartment. I unlocked the door and walked in, and stopped dead in my tracks. My little sister way lying face down in the carpet... not moving, my mom was on the couch, she wasn't moving either.

"CHRISTINA!" I screamed and fell to the floor, I rolled her over and tried to find her pulse, it was completely useless, she didn't have one, "Holy shit," Jason said behind me and grabbed me, pulling me out of the apartment. I sat on the floor in the hallway, stunned. What the fuck was going on? How could she be gone? What happened?

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The next year of my life went by in a blur, I was sent to a foster home where I tried to kill myself, three times, after the third time they locked me up in a mental institution. That's where I quit smoking and drinking and doing drugs, at least the drugs that weren't prescribed to me by a doctor. I would probably still be there if my uncle hadn't arranged to have me come and live with him. They only agreed because of his prime position in this community, hah! Like that covered up the fact that he was a sick, rapist pedophile.
After finding their bodies there, I had thought that my mother had lost her mind and killed my little sister before taking her own life, but that wasn't the case--it turns out that my mom really did break up with Joe, he's the one that went crazy. He was coming over to kill my mom, he shot her up with enough morphine to kill a fucking elephant and then when he realized Christina was there... he did the same thing to her and ran. They never caught him, I used to think he would come for me too but he didn't care about me, I guess, he wouldn't have hurt Christina either if I hadn't of let her go over there. I guess, in a way, I've always blamed myself for her dying. When I first got here Joshua tried to talk to me about it, but I didn't want to talk about it. So many bad things happened to me in one night that to talk about it--to re-live it, God, I can't even... it's impossible. I can't. Jason is the only person who understands, which is why I still love him even though he reminds me, just by looking at him I have to shove the memories way down deep, hide them inside of myself in a place that I can't find them. If I pretend to be happy for long enough, than I will me, right?

I hadn't thought about any of this for a long time. It hurt me, it hurt me so much, I liked to keep other people's problems closer... it was so much easier. But everything was so fucked up and my horrors, while they still hurt, while they still haunted me, were long past. But all this shit with Joshua and Kevin... I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
I walked into Joshua's room and found his stash, I snorted four lines of speed and smiled slowly as I felt my pulse increase, I missed this, oh God! How I fucking missed this. I got up and made my way to school, I wanted Jason, I wanted to be around people. I wanted to apologize to Daisy, none of this was her fault, I had just been mad, and now that I was as high as a fucking kite, well, I kind of felt like... I'd never, ever be mad again.
I giggled and skipped all the way to school.