Steam Punk Goggles and Ink Stained Hands

Previously –

“Barrone…” I sighed and got comfy in my seat, “I’ve got questions. In no particular order, what happened in art, you just randomly decided to knock paint up the floor, what was that? Secondly, why did you switch classes? You spent one lesson in my company and then moved without saying a word. Also, I thought we had actually become some sort of friends in detention last time. Then I see you in the hallways and stuff and you ignore me? You just always seem so tense and nervous around me. Did I do something wrong? Just… what’s going on, Barrone?”

When I’d finished I noticed he was now looking up at me, actually looking me in the eyes for once. We just sat there looking at each other for a minute. Then he opened his mouth and started to talk.

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BARRONE’S POV

~

I was shocked by his bluntness and frankly lost for words; what was I supposed to say?!

Why is this happening? He’s just supposed to accept it and move on, not ask questions! Also, how does he even know about the paint incident? He wasn’t in the room! Okay, Barrone. Calm down. Just do what you always do when people try and pry into your life. Lie.

I took a deep breath and prepared to spin my tale of half-truth and white lies, hopefully it would be believable.

“Right, the classes. Drew, it’s nothing to do with you” Lies.. “I got put into that class after I transferred from another but I don’t like art. They asked me to give it a go as there weren’t many classes available but I still wanted to move. It’s not personal, Drew” More lies. The minor lie being I dislike art. I actually love art, it’s actually one of the few things in my life that remains good. The major lie is that it wasn’t to do with Drew. It has everything to do with Drew. The thing is, I want to see him. I want to get to know him, grow closer to him and maybe even become more than friends but I can’t let that happen. Even if he did actually like me I can’t let it happen. I know that the more time I spend around him the more I will want these things and the harder it will be to deny myself them.

I’m just being selfish though; if I get Drew involved in my life it will end up with him being hurt – emotionally and possibly physically. There are so many aspects of my life that are messed up and to drag him down into the shit with me just so I can feel less alone is the worst thing I could do to him. In a way, I’m being cruel to be kind. I can’t let anyone close, not just him but anyone, it’s best that I remove myself from the equation that makes up his life before he gets completely tangled in mine.
I breathed in deeply and studied his face; he seemed to have believed what I said so I continued on to answer his last question in hope that he would forget the first about the paint.

There is only so much I can lie about and I can’t tell him that I wanted detention, let alone the reason I needed it. I can’t tell anybody…

“As for detention, I did have fun with you, Drew” That was actually the truth; it was enjoyable to talk to someone about our common interests for a while. “I’m just not that great at being social; I’m not really close to anyone…” Once again I spoke the truth. The reason I avoided him and everyone else in general was to avoid building connections with them. “It’s like I’ve built up this strong social friction”.

His expression softened into a small smile, “that’s okay, I can understand that, Barrone. But please, don’t push me away. I want to be your friend”.

And there it is. That word. Friend. As in a bond with someone, as in more people linked to me. I studied the boy in front of me; oh how I wanted to be his friend. I wanted someone to talk to, someone to hang out with during lunches, someone to make me laugh and to ease the loneliness that I had to enforce upon myself. As long as we only really chat during school and don’t have to meet up outside of it –specifically near or in my house – then it should be okay. It can’t end too horribly, right?

“Okay then” I found myself saying before I could fully think it through. A small voice in the back of my head was calling to me, whispering to me that I would regret this. I ignored it though and just focused on how much brighter Drew’s smile got.

I wonder if he likes guys?

The thought popped into my head as I sat smiling at him, taking in his perfect features and beautiful brown eyes. It’s hard to tell. He doesn’t really come across as camp but you can’t judge someone’s sexuality solely on looks and behaviour. Inside, most of us are different to the people we appear to be. We all have parts of our lives hidden away…

If he is gay is he open about it or is he in the closet? I wondered. He seems like such a nice person, everyone seems to like him. I bet if he did come out as gay nobody would judge him or give him any shit. I wish that would have happened when I came out. No, all I got was pain and misery. Misery that I still have to deal with. Pain that I still have to deal with.

I wish I could be like Drew. I’ve seen him around school; laughing with his mates, mucking about with other kids in both higher and younger years, chatting with teachers who I’m sure don’t judge him and dub him as the “weird kid” like they do me.

All I have is myself and the walls I’ve built around me to keep everything in and everyone else out. Today though, I actually decided to give someone else a chance to possibly be let in. It’s like everyone else stays far away from my walls but I’ve allowed Drew to come up to the gate. The only thing is, is that if he were to open the gate and see inside he would wish he hadn’t. All the gates hold are secrets and pain. I don’t want to lose the first friend I’ve had in a long time though so I’ll pretend there is nothing behind the gates and walls. I’ll try to be happy and focus on the positive like all the clichéd advice givers say. As long as Drew remains a part of my school life only and doesn’t become involved in my home life everything will be just fine.