Safe & Sound

The sky outside her window is nearly pitch black, illuminated only by the tiny specks of diamond stars and the glow of the full moon off in the distance. She should be asleep for school in the morning, but she's always stayed up on this day. It's the one exception.

Her lights are off in compliance with her mother's rules, not that it would make a difference since neither of her parents ever bother to come in to check. She hides underneath the protection of her duvet, eyeing the time on her phone. It reads 11:55pm, so close it's making her excited already.

She starts to count down in her head, but an unforeseen text message interrupts the mental numbers.



With a blushing smile, she kicks the covers off and touches her feet to the floor, walking over to draw the curtains. From her bedroom up two stories high, she can see that familiar head of hair leaning against his mother's car with his phone in his hand. He's calling her and she answers promptly.

''No rocks?'' she speaks quietly into the receiver, ''Unacceptable.''

''Sorry, Kenn. I'll do it for your eighteenth, how's that?''

''Deal,'' she laughs, ''If you're still putting up with me then.''

''Can you come down? Just for a while.''

''I can try. You don't think they'd skin me on my birthday, do you?''

Her amusement quiets as she escapes her bedroom, tip-toeing her way down the stairs and unlocking the front door. It's not the first time she's snuck out. Her parents are so oblivious, she could probably go away to another city and they wouldn't notice for at least three days.

''Hey,'' she smiles when he comes into view, hanging up the phone and sliding it into her sweater pocket.

He welcomes her into his embrace, letting her press her pelvis into his against the car door. From behind his back, he pulls out a rose and tickles her face with one of the petals.

''Sorry, I could only afford one,'' he tells her shyly.

It doesn't matter to her how many. She grins regardless, gratefully accepting it and looking up at him with eyes full of awe.

''Thank you,'' she smiles, ''It's beautiful.''

The watch on his wrist begins to beep when it strikes midnight and he turns to silence it before tightening his hold on her waist.

''Happy birthday,'' he smiles, leaning down to kiss her.

His hand rests behind her head to deepen it, wanting to make this kiss, the first of her year as a seventeen-year-old, the best yet. And he doesn't fail.

''Your second present is still at my house,'' he tells her when he rests his forehead against hers.

''Was this the first?'' she motions to the flower.

He shakes his head.

''Then where's the first?''

The suggestive, seductive slyness is obvious in his eyes and tone of voice.

''Anywhere you want.''

She bites down on her lip, flirtatiously cocking her head to the side.

''Get in the car.''



He didn't ever think that he could be happier than the night he first slept with Kennedy. It had been perfect, awkwardness and nervousness and all. But tonight, here in the backseat of his car, this comes close to beating it.

He holds her against his chest, caressing the side of her arm and marveling over the feeling of her lungs struggling to catch her breath from moments before. She feels equally as blissful, thankful every second that she snuck down those stairs.

''Do you think you'll ever have children?''

Her question emerges out of the blue and startles him. But she does this often. She likes to conjure up questions that she wonders about him and she never holds back in asking, no matter how random or confusing.

''Yes,'' he answers, ''But it scares me.''

''Why?''

''I don't know if I'd be a good father.''

She lifts her head to rest her chin on him. He loves the way her hair falls in her eyes like this.

''I think you'd be a great father,'' she corrects him, ''I don't think I'll have children, but if I do, I know exactly what not to do with them.''

He understands what she means and doesn't comment. She jokes a lot about her parents, but he knows deep down that how they treat her hurts her intensely.

''You know what Gemma told me when I was at your house the other day?'' she chuckles lightly, ''That she's reserving right now that she has to be the maid of honor at our wedding.''

He smiles before tightening his hold on her. ''Fine with me.''

''Our children would be pretty,'' she grins.

''Only if they look like you.''

She shakes her head. ''I want them to look like you, dimples and all.'' Her fingers gently pinch his cheeks, making him blush.

''Well,'' he sighs when she nestles against him once more, ''One thing's for sure. They'd be the most loved kids in the world.''

''You bet your ass they'd be,'' Kennedy laughs, intertwining her fingers with his.

Kennedy snaps herself back to reality and as far away as possible from these daydreams. In four years, she hasn't relived those memories as vividly as she's just relived that one. She could practically feel the warmth of the car and the softness of Harry's bare skin against hers. She could even smell the rose. It's a dangerous imagination of the memory and she struggles to push it out of her mind, especially now when her head needs to be present.

Harry turned out to be more seriously determined about being tested for the transplant than she thought. In the very early hours of the morning, when she'd surprisingly dozed off for no more than a few minutes, he left the room in search of the doctor to talk more about the procedure. She woke up to find him gone and has been parading the halls to find him ever since.

Now, she's pacing the hallway outside, restless and not ready for this at all. When she sees him walk out of the doctor's main office holding a packet of paperwork, she rushes to meet him.

''What are you doing?'' she asks frantically.

''I had a meeting with them about the test.''

''Already? He only just told us yesterday.''

''We said we'd talk about it more in the morning,'' he reminds her, ''And I already made my decision.''

''Don't you want to wait for us? We could all get tested together. On the same day.''

She begins to follow him as he walks around the unit, first to the front desk to give the head nurse a form.

''Why waste time?'' he points.

''You might change your mind later. Who knows?''

''Kenn, I'm not changing my mind.''

He turns back to reenter the office, but before he does he pauses in front of her with gentle eyes.

''Stop worrying,'' he smiles, ''It'll be okay. It's just the test, not the actual transplant. I'll be fine. Relax.''

He waits for her to nod in acceptance, but when he realizes he won't be getting that, he sighs and enters the room, leaving her alone behind the door.

As if her skin suddenly caught fire, she runs back to Addison's room and rummages through her bag for more painkillers. No natural techniques, time or the constant rubbing of her temples, can fix this kind of headache. She can feel her sanity slowly wilting away.

She downs the pills without any drink, crossing her fingers that they'll work but knowing that they won't. A glance in Addie's direction makes her thankful that she's not yet awake to see her mother losing her mind.

''All they had in the cafeteria that didn't make me want to vomit was bagels,'' she hears Gemma approaching her from behind, ''So I hope you like bagels.''

She turns to see her setting down a medium sized brown bag on one of the chairs before meeting her eyes.

''Whoa,'' she gasps, ''What's gotten into you?''

Kennedy's wide, dark pupils are shocking along with her fidgety, nervous demeanor. She's taking constant deep breaths, unable to sit still for even a moment.

''Kenn,'' Gemma approaches her apprehensively, ''Are you alright? Sit down.''

''I think,'' she hurriedly loses her breath too soon, ''I think I'm having a mental breakdown.''

Gemma's arms push on her shoulders, forcing her into a chair. She kneels down beside her, her eyes dark in concern.

''Take a deep breath. Just relax. Look at me. You're okay.''

Kennedy feels like one of the psychotic subjects Gemma probably has to study in school with anxiety disorders and the like.

''How do you feel?'' she asks.

''Like my brain's going to explode.''

''What's going on? Did something happen or what?''

Now she's talking more like a friend and less like a psychologist.

''Harry went to get tested.''

Gemma waits for her to continue and say something that might make some sense as to why she's so terrified, but there's nothing.

''And you're upset because of that? You know it's just the test, right? Not the actual procedure.''

''I know,'' she groans, ''It doesn't matter. The test is what I'm scared for.''

''Why?''

Kennedy stays quiet, biting on her tongue until she tastes the copper tang of blood.

''Oh.'' For some reason, Gemma smiles rather than gets offended by her silence. ''So we have a secret on our hands.''

''It's not a secret...''

''Oh, yes it is. You can't tell me. It's a secret.''

''No, I can tell you,'' Kennedy says quietly, ''But...it's complicated.''

''Is this the same complicated as all the other complicated's? Because I can't keep track of them all.''

''Yes,'' Kennedy nods, feeling the guilty shame on her face already, ''It's the same.''

''The one you said you'd tell me when you're ready, right?''

She nods, but at the time she said that she'd hoped she'd never be ready. She doesn't even know how she'll go about saying it.

''Are you ready now?''

Her brain feels ice cold, sending shivers over every nerve in her body. She's going to have to tell Gemma eventually. She admits that especially now, she has to tell someone after digging herself into such a huge hole, but is this very second the time?

''Gemma, I'll never be ready,'' she admits, ''But it doesn't matter. I have to tell someone.''

Gemma seems to wait patiently, but the words get stuck.

''You'll hate me, I know it.''

She stays quiet, unresponsive to Kennedy's nervous excuses.

''And you'll rush to conclusions and never want to speak to me again.''

''Kenn, shut up and get it out,'' Gemma laughs.

''Fine.'' Kennedy takes a deep breath, but it's knocked out of her the minute her eyes reopen. ''Oh, God...''

Gemma follows her gaze and her reaction is similar. Out in the hall struts a familiar blonde, dressed once again in her too fancy clothes, this time a maxi dress and brown leather jacket. She holds a purple colored box and looks lost even though she's been here before.

''Later,'' Gemma warns Kennedy with a pointed finger, ''I'm not letting you off the hook.''

They watch uneasily as Miranda spots them, looking around immediately afterward probably in search of her boyfriend and then drooping her face when she doesn't find him.

''Hi, Miranda,'' Gemma politely greets her, beckoning her into the room. ''How are you?''

''Fine,'' she answers quietly, ''Where's Harry?''

''He's with one of the doctors right now. Should be back soon.''

It's more than obvious that Miranda chooses to acknowledge only Gemma's presence, ignoring Kennedy completely. Kennedy doesn't mind this time around. She can't guarantee that she'll keep her hands to herself in the event that Miranda tests her anger today.

''Is she alright?'' she asks, eyeing Addison.

Obviously not, you idiot. Kennedy's thoughts are rude and very, very satisfying.

''She's better than she was,'' Gemma answers.

''I brought her some homemade cookies.'' She motions to the box in her arms.

Homemade my ass. She can't even have cookies.

''That's sweet of you,'' Gemma compliments, taking the box and setting it aside.

''Do you know when Harry will be back?''

Definitely just answered this question.

''Soon,'' Gemma forces a smile, ''Maybe about fifteen minutes.''

Miranda nods, taking a seat in the corner. ''I'll wait.''

The room after that is beyond awkward. Someone could walk in and practically feel the force of the huge invisible elephant between them. Miranda avoids eye contact with anyone completely, Gemma tries her best to remain indifferent but civil, and Kennedy is still as uneasy as ever. Having Miranda here now doesn't help her breakdown crisis in the slightest. To think that she was seconds away from explaining her problem to Gemma terrifies her. Perhaps Miranda coming was a sign that she shouldn't. Or worse, it's an omen, which she admits is probably more likely. Either way, she's going to try to put off this conversation for as long as possible.

After a few minutes of complete silence that feel more like hours, a soft voice echoes off the walls and it's the sweetest one Kennedy has heard in too long.

''Mama?''

She rushes to her bedside, smiling down at the obviously weak child below. Her eyes are duller and darker than ever.

''Hey, you,'' she grins, taking her hand, ''How are you feeling?''

Gemma and Miranda surround the bed as well, but all of Addison's available attention is directed at her mother.

''Bad,'' she says faintly.

It's saddening to everyone that she can barely hold her own head up.

''I know, sweetie. But it'll be okay soon.''

The child's eyes drift down to locate the fuzziness that's rubbing against her arms and she sees her stuffed animals keeping her company.

''Charlie and Henry came to see me, too,'' she says. Her voice is very quiet, but what is heard sounds happy.

''Gemma went to get them,'' Kennedy tells her, ''She went just for you.''

''Thank you,'' Addison smiles sweetly up at Gemma.

''It was my pleasure,'' she answers.

Addison's eyes then turn to Miranda, narrowing at first but then realizing who she is under the distracting makeup.

''You're the balloon lady,'' she says, ''Miranda.''

Miranda raises her eyebrows in a pleasant surprise that the child even remembers who she is and what her name is. She nods enthusiastically.

''Did you bring another balloon?''

''No, I'm sorry,'' Miranda sadly shakes her head, ''But I brought you some cookies! Harry told me chocolate chip was your favorite.''

The words seem to spark a realization in Addison and she turns back to her mother, creasing her curious, tired eyebrows together.

''Is Daddy here?'' she asks.

It's clear that Miranda is taken aback, not yet aware that the child knows to call Harry her father.

Kennedy nods. ''He's coming in a bit. He's been here all this time looking after you and holding your hand.''

Addie glances down at her empty fingers, wiggling them slightly and wishing he was holding them now.

''And E.D?''

A tiny smile stretches onto Kennedy's face at Addison's inability to pronounce Edith's name and concern about her in the first place.

''Edith was here for a while last night,'' she tells her slowly, ''But then she had to go home so she can go to school today.''

''I want to go to school.''

Her hand reaches up to stroke the child's cheek, almost being stung by how cold it feels. ''You will one day,'' Kennedy assures her.

After a brief check-up with one of the nurses, Addison is given more medicines, bombarding her tiny system with drugs that Kennedy can't pronounce. Their side effects sound awful and what they're meant to fix in her is a long list of issues that she can't wrap her head around.

An hour in the room passes and Harry doesn't return. He stays behind that door that grows bigger and bigger in Kennedy's eyes the more she stares at it. She excuses herself multiple times to run outside or stick her head out of a window for a breath of fresh air, which helps to bring her down to earth sometimes but never calms her nerves. She sees exactly why she feels like this and realizes that no matter what, she has to tell Gemma. The moment Miranda steps out, she's going to do it.

The umpteenth time she sets off walking back to the room from the parking lot outside, she sees Harry ending a conversation with the doctor and her heart suddenly goes into overdrive. He seems satisfied, nodding every so often at what he's being told, and she sees from a distance that he holds nothing in his hands, no results forms, nothing. And judging by the smile on his face, he hasn't been told a thing yet and that lets Kennedy breathe a momentary sigh of relief.

She lets him enter Addison's room first and then walks in after him, automatically grinning when she sees how ecstatic Addie looks.

''Daddy, you look so happy,'' she tries to smile to mimic his.

''I'm so happy to see you.'' He crosses the room to her and kisses her forehead, lingering on her skin a bit after feeling how cold she is and having to mentally compose himself before she sees how terrified he's been for her all this time.

She watches curiously as he reaches over to grab a chair and kisses Miranda hello before sitting down. The strange gesture confuses the child. She wonders why he's kissing the balloon lady and not her mother.

''Are you married?'' she asks, thinking her logic must apply here if it didn't with her parents.

''Oh,'' Harry sighs, ''No, Addie.''

Miranda's out-of-context blush is bright red and makes Gemma sick to her stomach.

''We're just special friends,'' he goes on to explain.

The child doesn't understand. It's unclear in her eyes. She doesn't have the strength anymore to try either, so she merely dismisses the idea and returns to what she initially wanted to tell Harry. She chooses to pretend that Miranda isn't in the room. Her overpowering perfume makes it hard though.

''When I was sleeping,'' Addie pauses slowly between each word, ''I saw you and Mama in here.''

She motions to her chest, indicating the heart inside it.

''And I was there, too,'' she smiles, ''And it was nice.''

Harry smiles warmly and kisses her hand. His eyes glancing in Kennedy's direction in that moment move too quickly for anyone to see but Miranda catches it and realizes there's something in him that lights up when he sees her and that something is a force she's never seen in him before.



Well over twenty-four hours have passed in the walls of the hospital and everyone's exhaustion is evident. Addison had one too many painful outbreaks after lunch time and constantly being shoved into and outside the room for the doctors to run tests has proven to be mind boggling for everyone. Now that the child is somewhat stable in her bed, dozing off every few minutes due to the overload of drugs in her blood, the atmosphere is a bit calmer.

Kennedy wishes she could sleep like Harry, who's motionless in his chair with his jacket draped over his shoulders. She wishes she could pause these mangled thoughts for just a moment. She can't think straight with any of them running around with each other up in there. Her head has been throbbing nonstop, worrying about her job and Addison's condition and, above all, the whole transplant test situation.

Gemma is sitting in the far corner, asleep herself with her magazine still open on her lap. Now would be as good of a time as any to wake her up and tell her. But Miranda's still here, out and about in search of a vending machine that sells anything low-carb. She can't afford her to eavesdrop and that's something she knows she's more than capable of.

Slowly, the small hand she holds begins to stir and she glances up to see Addison's hazel eyes open slightly as she awakens from her light sleep. As if it's even possible, she looks paler than the last time she was awake.

''Hey, beautiful,'' Kennedy greets her, ''How are you feeling?''

''I was having a bad dream,'' she whimpers, quivering her lip.

''Oh, it's okay,'' Kennedy assures her, tightening her grip on her, ''It's over now.''

''Daddy and you were gone, and I was alone.''

Kennedy's stomach turns. ''That's not going to happen,'' she firmly decides, ''I promise, Addie. Daddy and I are here...to stay.''

Her voice breaks on the last word.

''Mama?''

She hums to the child in response.

''I'm happy that it was Harry,'' she whispers as if it's a secret she doesn't want him to hear, ''Because he loves me.''

''Yes,'' she nods sadly, ''He does love you very much.''

''And he loves you, too.''

Addison can't yet distinguish between the love that she receives and the love that, in her mind, her parents should share. But nevertheless Kennedy's heart breaks in that moment to a thousand pieces, each of them tiny and weak.

Addie's eyes flutter like they've been doing all day and Kennedy knows it's a sign she'll be back asleep within five minutes. The child can't support herself in consciousness for long. It's like she has to sleep for many hours just to accumulate enough strength to be awake for one.

''Sweet dreams, Addie,'' Kennedy tells her quietly, hoping that at least while she's asleep she's spared the pain.



Her eyelids are gently falling against her will every few minutes and she can't fight them anymore. They're shutting faster and faster, blocking out the white of the hospital with pitch black that looks more soothing than it ever has.

But her process of succumbing to the sleep is interrupted by a soft clearing of a throat by the door. She turns slowly to see Miranda, and since both Harry and Gemma are fast asleep, Kennedy knows she's about to be spoken to.

''Well,'' Miranda sighs awkwardly, ''I better go. It's late.''

Her hands are free of a snack and Kennedy knows she was unsuccessful on her quest to the vending machines.

''Tell him I said bye later?'' she asks, nodding in Harry's direction.

Kennedy silently obliges. She watches as the woman crosses the room and places a kiss on his cheek. For unknown reasons, Kennedy has to lower her gaze when her lips meet his skin.

Miranda doesn't utter another word on her way out, neither to Kennedy nor the sleeping Addison in the bed. But Kennedy doesn't care. Now that she's gone, she has more to worry about.

She turns back to Addison and scans over her face. It looks paper thin; she can almost see the purplish veins underneath her skin. The black circles around her eyes are deeper than before and the rise and fall of her chest is the shallowest she's ever seen it, showing she's barely breathing the longer she stays like this.

Kennedy feels the tears begin to surface now. She surrenders to them, throwing up her white flag as they come down in streams, staining her face. She's not strong enough for this. For any of it. She doesn't know how she got this far. Maybe she's been lying to herself. Maybe it's been luck. Or, more realistically, as she turns to face him, she realizes maybe it's been Harry. Maybe it's been him all along. The idea of him coming to save her. Rescue her from the ones who've wronged her and decided to take her daughter from her like this. But she's done so many things wrong from the beginning, none of the good that's come out of it is worth it.

She returns her focus to the fleeting child before her, stroking her cheek to offer some warmth and then running her fingers gently through her waves of hair. But as her hand reaches the spiraled ends, out emerges thin locks of chestnut and the results of the advanced therapy are finally taking away the one thing that made all of this unreal. Kennedy stares in horror at the fallen bit of hair, slapping a hand over her mouth to keep from crying out and waking everybody up. Silently she sobs, realizing that the only source of happiness in her life is leaving her. She's wronged this child so much and deprived her of a life she deserved to live. She's wronged everyone she loves and cares for, even herself.

Quickly, with tears still falling in heavy flows, she rises to her feet and crosses the room to Gemma, shaking her awake.

''Gemma,'' she calls out in a rushed whisper, ''Wake up, Gemma. Please.''

She startles awake nearly instantly, immediately asking if it's Addie and if everything's okay. Kennedy doesn't answer. She grabs her arm and pulls her up and out of the room in search of privacy.

''Kenn? What's going on?'' she wipes the sleep from her still drowsy eyes.

Kennedy remains silent, locating a tiny empty waiting room and shutting the door behind them.

''Are you okay? You look like you're going to collapse.'' Gemma eyes her worriedly, noting her frantic movements.

Kennedy's sobs never cease. ''When Harry gets those test results,'' she cries, ''He's going to leave and he's never going to come back.''

''Harry's not going anywhere.''

''Yes, he will,'' Kennedy nods after aggressively wiping her sleeve over her face, ''He's going to walk out and stay out.''

''What are you talking about?''

''I didn't know what to do, okay?'' she cries out, ''I was alone! I had no one!''

''Kenn, what are you talking about?'' Gemma repeats firmer this time, her eyes wide.

Kennedy falls back against the wall and sinks to the floor before her. ''I've been lying to him. All this time.''

''About what? What the hell, Kenn? Breathe and tell me what's going on!''

''I should have told him in the beginning but I was so scared! I couldn't tell him there's a chance!''

''A chance of what?''

''That he's not Addison's father!''