Secondhand

We drove back to Austin and Shayley's apartment mostly in silence. Towards the end of the trip, Austin spoke up.

"Alan?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure. Of course."

"Are you scared of those guys? Like, if they show up again?"

"Kind of," I admitted.

"I'm scared for you."

"Why?"

"I just got you back in my life and you mean something to me. It's so rare for me to care about someone. The only people I know I really love are my dad and Shay. They've been all I had for a long time. Now, you're in my life. I want it to stay that way."

Should I tell him that I heard his confession about falling in love with me? No. It would only make things awkward.

"I care a lot about you and if you want me to be, I'd love to have a place in your life. I mean, I really really thought that you were a jerk when we met. I did. I know that's not who you are though. I finally feel okay around you," I confessed.

"Okay?"

"Like I'm not worthless. Like I don't need to... You know."

"Hurt yourself?"

I nodded in silence.

"Could you try to stop for me?"

"W-what?"

"I don't want you to feel like you ever need to do that. Could you try to stop if I helped you?"

"How could you help me?"

"I don't know, but I want to try. Please?"

"I-I guess I could give it a shot."

"Really? For me?"

"I can't stop for myself, maybe I can for you."

"Thank you, Alan." He took my hand across the seats and laced his finger into mine.

"For what?"

"Changing my life. For the better, of course."

"You got shot in the arm because of me and you think I'm making your life better?" I scoffed as we pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex.

"I do. I'm happy around you, Alan! I don't get it at all, but you make me want to be a better version of myself."

"R-really?"

He nodded vigorously before stepping out of the car. I did the same and we went inside.

"N-no one has ever told me that before. I thought I was just a burden."

"Not at all. If you think you are, you're wrong. Even if you prove to be a burden, I want you around. I want to help you get better, get away from the depression."

"I-I don't have depression."

"Maybe not clinically, but I can tell. I've seen the dullness that's in your eyes before. Shayley had that look once. He's getting better now, but he was an alcoholic and had depression for years. I was terrified I'd lose him. Please don't let me lose you."

We were now in the apartment and I hugged Austin, careful to avoid his injured arm.

"You won't lose me. I'll try to get better. I just, I guess I didn't want to come to terms with having depression. I'm already fucked up enough without adding that to the list."

"Please don't say that, Alan. I-I think that you're perfect."

I blushed and Austin himself was flustered.

"I m-mean, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't mean to sound like I'm coming on to you and you probably don't like me that way and I shouldn't have said anything but I did because I'm an idiot and I'll stop talking now."

"You're not an idiot. You think that about me though?"

Looking at the ground, he nodded.

" I, uh, I've thought that from the first time you showed up here, bruises and all."

"Really?"

He nodded again.

"I thought you were perfect from the first time I saw you at Uprising. I didn't want to leave you after everything you had told me, but you had hurt me and I'm so scared of getting hurt the way I did with the last guy I dated. Regardless, I should never have let things go the way they did. I shouldn't have walked out on you. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You have no reason to be. I, on the other hand, have every reason. I didn't mean to be so forceful. I just was thrown off by what you said. I didn't expect it. I didn't want to accept that I thought it was true," he trailed off.

"Can we just say we both fucked up and forget about it?"

"Sure."

He smiled just a bit and sat on the couch while I took off my shoes.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"Sure. Whatcha got?"

"What about Oz? Shay's an overgrown kid, so he rented it but I don't think he's gotten around to watching it."

I laughed a little.

"That works for me."

He stood and picked up the movie with his free hand before inserting it into the player. The beginning credits started and he made his way back over to the couch, sitting closer than necessary but far enough so that we had no contact.

"I only have one condition about movies," I said riskily.

"And that is?"

"If there's an opportunity to cuddle with someone cute during said movie, I like to take advantage of it," I said, smiling slyly.

"Well, there's only one cute person here and it's you, so I guess you're out of luck."

I blushed but moved closer to him.

"I think you're wrong there, Carlile."

"I'm not."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"You're definitely wrong."

"Are you trying to say that I'm cute?"

"That, and that I wouldn't mind cuddling with said cutie."

He blushed a deep pink and covered his mouth with both hands, laughing. It was unbearably adorable.

"So? What do you say?"

"I say you're insane. Come here."

He opened his arms for me and I settled against him. And that's when it all began.